I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

Oh wind your neck in. It’s nothing to do with him being autistic. Get a grip. I was asking because the OP said he lacked boundaries, he would barge into the girls’ rooms and they were both scared of him. I was asking if the inference by what she said above was that he was perhaps not entirely appropriate.

The thing is - how much is it him struggling to find a room and how much is it struggling to find something he “really likes” which is what the OP has said

it doesn’t sound as if he can’t find anywhere to live - he just would prefer to live at home

if he ends up homeless therefore it’s his own stubbornness - I know that is a trait that I associate with autism but it is one he is going to have to learn to overcome if he wants any kind of good future life

The system is a mess and I agree that the house situation is going to be difficult.

I would get him down there and looking for support despite the state of things. He has got to be in the system.

OP, you're going to have to have a very clear outline as to why you can't accommodate your son and why he must be supported. They'll try everything to get you to just drop it and say ok I'll sort it.

Please look at the PIP. Get in touch with adult social services asap. Call Housing support.

If there's no likelihood of housing access anytime soon, councils will support the provision of private rentals that they somehow commission. Emergency accomodation by way of hostels is going to be risky; because he'll be in proximity with very problematic people if we're being honest and that's going to be a nightmare if he gets in with that crowd.

It's time to start highlighting his diagnosed conditions in every single Comms and interaction with services.

The word 'burnout'.and ' capacity to function entirely independently' are important phrases. Because in reality, as another poster said, he really cannot manage all these demands and something will give. Public services will be brain dead on this so it's for you to impress it on them.

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." In other words, I would not let him move back in OP. You need to protect/look out for your daughters. Then sit your son down and discuss the options. You can help him, find a new place to live, find another job if necessary. But letting him move back in will make all of you miserable and it will not teach him to stand on his own two feet, which by the sound of it, he must do (as he can't live in your house forever). I would also discuss with him to again look into a proper autism diagnosis, potentially medication for adhd, etc, look if there really are no benefits he could receive, etc. So you offer help, but then it's up to him. It sounds like he's trying to move back in, but I really don't think it's a good idea. Sorry OP, it must be very hard - for all of you.

@nomorecheesyjokes is he a lodger at the moment or did he sign a tenancy? Is it an HMO? Why does he have to move out? Was an S21 issued?

I think he needs to apply for his own social house and get on the very long waiting list.

You do not have the space for him to move in and he is an adult.

If he rented a bedsit would he be entitled to any benefits?

I don't know if you've applied for social housing but there's no housing where we are medical points or not.

A disability he won't accept or acknowledge. And a personality that treats other people poorly, is aggressive and destructive. You can be autistic AND an asshole, and he appears to fall into that category. OP can try to help him, but having him back into her home isn't one of the sensible options here and would be very unfair to her daughters.

You definitely need to hold firm and not let him back in. He's choosing not to investigate other sources of support. He needs to understand that going back to trashing your house and frightening his sisters is not an option available to him, and that he does still have lots of other options.

You don't have to justify yourself. You are a saint to have put up with him for so long. I wouldn't have done.

I grew up with a violent autistic brother and have trauma that affects my entire life. Your daughters deserve a safe home and if he cannot be that he cannot return.

This is what I’ve said but then he says he’s going to end up homeless and on the streets so I have to think no I won’t let that happen when he has a family who love him.
I have tried to help him find a new room but he’s adamant he’ll just live in his car because he can’t deal with it all

I have a cousin like this. Her parents eventually had to draw the line when she was in her late 20s and she was actually homeless for a while before she got it together. In the meantime, the two other kids suffered greatly and there is still resentment for the fact the her welfare was prioritised over theirs.

He has been able to live independently. He just doesnt want to adult. If you dont let natural consequences play out now, they will only be postponed to down the line and it will all be a lot harder.

I'm sure the son does feel rejected, but he has gone out of his way to make life miserable for the rest of his family.

He is not going to change and will mess up their lovely home so he does not deserve to live there.

The OP says that he has a family which loves him but I don't think they do and I can't blame them.

Everyone in this country, apart from single people, no kids and high earners get some form of benefit. They really are the forgotten group.
He needs to try again, either seeing a CAB advisor or someone from a mental heath group.

Until that might happen, could he be persuaded to lodge with a landlady? Sounds too that he needs medication if not already taking it, or/and joining a group session for anger and personal skills.

As he passed his driving test and holds down a job, he's obviously capable of managing his life, but his rent at 50% of his wage, leaves him with little for emergencies. Certainly not fun, which could be a reason he's short on mates.

CAB have special money advisors, or they did. They would be a good place to start, even if just to put him in touch with the right people. They will also help him fill out the forms for help correctly.

He should put his name on the council housing list, along with a letter from his GP or specialist, that makes all the difference.
With some help from the right direction, I think he could turn it around.

I don’t think you can have him back to the detriment of your daughters. They are still children, and as teens with exams etc need peace and stability.

Can you help him to find an acceptable place? Even help him pay the rent (contribute a fixed amount)? Anything’s better than doing this to your dds.

His refusal to accept his diagnoses and accept any support for them is a huge issue. As an adult in his 20’s, his parents can’t insist that he accepts any help so they’re stuck in a hard place. He isn’t going to suddenly change his behaviour towards his sisters nor stop causing damage to the house.

The previous advice to contact charities and social services could lead to some progress, maybe start with this, OP.

I would prioritise your daughters as they are still growing up and require your care. He’s an adult now and able to live independently so you have to put them first. It is probably the first time in their lives they have felt free from his aggression.

Boundaries like don’t trash the house and don’t insult your sisters are unlikely to work though are they?

I would look at supported living. If he comes home and it doesn’t work , I think it will be harder to get supported living in place (from a friends experience that I know of)

im usually the first to stand in line and say he’s your child, but I really don’t think him coming home will be the best option. You can’t be there forever for him. Help/ from a distance when he needs it

Would you take Axel Rudakabana in if he was your son? He's disabled and he's vulnerable. What do you think?

Even without her daughter's, there's a huge risk to OP. If OP becomes vulnerable in any way, she'll never ever get out of this situation.

OP needs to explore every middle road possible. The public services we have give zero fucks about doing anything to help here unless you pull everything out that you have. If they get one sniff OP will take him back, the ' computer says no' brigade really will leave her to it.

I sympathise with you but do think he should be allowed to come home particularly if you can create a garden room or caravan.

I have a 19year old ds who has autism and ADHD… He is holding down a job just about but no way could he cope with a flat etc at the moment.

it is tough on the family but you are a family and you all need to support and look after each other..

Being an ‘adult’ is such an artificial construct… just because you are over 18 does not mean you are able to cope with things that other adults can do.

And Is he really being manipulative intentionally or is he not coping and needs more support than he has currently?

I really dispair with all the people that say kick them out when they have no understanding of what it’s like to be a parent of someone with additional needs… the constant worry and stress whatever path you take…

OP, you seem to want to support him at home for now, is it possible to agree the boundaries that come with that? Only you know your son but I knew when push comes to shove I need to be frank and clear with my son about what is expected and what he has to do to make that happen.

really hope you find a way through this.. it’s tough!

I don’t agree op has a duty of care to her son - she has a duty of care to all her chikdren and if the eldest is harming her home and the other children then the disability is a red herring

society should have a duty of care perhaps but forcing it all onto OP and likely tearing the family apart is wrong

the son has possible accommodation but doesn’t like it . What a poor excuse. Lots of people have tl
do things they don’t like

You need to safeguard your daughters so I wouldn't be having him home, no.
I would take him to the council and tell them he's going to be homeless in x days and he's a vulnerable adult. You may need proof of his autism diagnosis. You may be able to go without him if he's too anxious/overwhelmed to attend. He won't necessarily get supported housing but he should be a priority for temporary accommodation or may be eligible for a discretionary housing payment to help with a deposit.

Of course you’ve got to have him back! He’s got a learning disability and statistically will end up homeless. He’s extremely vulnerable and as your son despite being adult you do actually have a duty of care towards him. If he didn’t have a disability I’m sure you’d welcome him back with open arms! What hope has he got when his parents are discriminating against him!

I think the risk of you growing old with an adult child who never leaves and dominates your life is too high so no, I would listen to the experiences of people in that situation and not do it.

I have a DS25 and I would only have him back in an emergency and because he can behave responsibly. I would not allow a 25 year old to make life very unpleasant for much younger siblings.