I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

OP, I suggest you speak to the housing department at your local council to find out the criteria for getting on the housing list and what to do when he is made homeless. Sadly, young men are often not seen as vulnerable but I imagine you will have all the paperwork to support this. Be clear that you can’t house him for the reasons you’ve said. As a pp said, they will probably initially give him a hostel place if he is living in his car and there are homeless teams that will work with people to give them support and refer them to any services that might help. At least there are in my area and they will always try and get people into some kind of accommodation. It won’t be easy but it will be a roof over his head. He’s got a huge advantage in that he has a job. Good luck. It must be a very hard decision to make.

Would be a hard no from me! He's an adult refusing to take medication that may possibly help him. He needs to recognise his actions / interaction within the home are disruptive, threatening and damaging to your daughters and your property. They deserve a life too.

He needs a reality check now because you aren't going to be around forever. Given they've had their childhood with him in the home, now is their time not for you to be pandering to him.
Log him with the council as a vulnerable adult. Encourage but don't take control. Seek a mens hostel environment where certain standards have to be maintained given he won't do his own cleaning.

I think your instinct is right - not just because of the effect on the household but also because it would encourage him not to become independent. There may be some coaching or counselling available that can help him navigate life - even if he's too independent to qualify for supported housing he might qualify for some help.

It's important that he doesn't just come home and then not apply for any of the help he's entitled to, because that would leave him in a terrible situation if anything happened to you and your DH - not to mention causing everyone a lot of stress in the meantime. Not letting him come right back doesn't mean abandoning him entirely - once he's applied for everything he's entitled to and done as much as he can, at least then you'll know what his situation will be without your help, and you can try to fill in any gaps.

It's a good idea to RTFT. Or at least all of Op's updates. Then you'd have the answer to your question.

@Mintsj I think about OP in this. The situation will suck the life out of her and probably shorten her life. I don't feel that's exaggerating.

I agree what you said also that he won't be able to live independently. I'd fight with all I had to sort benefits and secure housing. This won't end well for OP if she has him back. She deserves a life.

Can you do a garage conversion? He would be with you but ina more robust room.

Op, I really feel for you. There is no clear solution here that works for all of you. I don't think you can have him back. It is too disruptive for the household, too upsetting for your DD. But I also feel for him. He clearly needs help, but he only wants to accept it on his own terms, which are very narrow - move back home - and don't work the family as a whole. Best of luck with it xxx

Life is tough for a single independent adult on a low wage anyway. Being autistic ramps that toughness up. He needs to come home and so in your position I would try to figure this out. My adult ds is also autistic, although younger than yours, but functions very well being with us at home.

I would get some sort of structure in your garden, such as an office pod/similar. I would put all your ds’s stuff in there and make that his personal space. I don’t think you’re allowed to sleep in those things generally, so I would get a foldable/sofa type bed in the living room - and get him to fold/unfold this at the beginning and end of every day. Non negotiable - this room is his for overnights only and must be a family room otherwise.

He will not flourish living independently at this time - that is a fact. But you do need to protect your DD’s and by having your DS’s personal space/stuffin a garden pod, you can hopefully do this. I would caveat by saying to him that he needs to understand that times have changed: his sisters are older and they have their own rooms, which they need. He can no longer have one of them because you need to prioritise children - and he is not a child. You also need to lay ground rules - whatever he’s doing that upsets them must not happen. He is autistic, but he can certainly follow rules and do as told.

Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom for things to get better. So maybe he will live in his car for a few weeks till the reality sinks inc then be more accepting of support to locate a new room elsewhere. You’ll be babying him and
disempowering him if you let him live like a teen in your home. Be careful, you’ll live out your retirement with an aggressive frustrated middle aged man who has never grown wings. He’s likely to grow and mature in an independent living situation, accepting support from the sidelines.

he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful

Absolutely no way should you have him move back in. Support him by helping him find another room to rent.

Don’t take him back in . I say that as the sister of a 56 year old man with autism and mental health issues who never left home. I saw the toll it took on my parents. He also never learnt to fend for himself and now is pretty clueless and I keep having to intervene. My cousin has a son with autism who pretty much trashed her home. Eventually she got him a council flat. She still goes there once a week to do a deep clean, but at least her home is clean and tidy.

No one knows your family and coping strategies, support network etc but anecdotally, MIL took her eldest son back after a short period of independent living, ASC and is aggressive/abusive/sexist. He’s still home now and she’s resigned to the fact he’s there forever, but he’s an absolute menace. She’s quite restricted.

He really needs to understand the consequences of not accepting his diagnosis. He can’t just say “everyone is different” and add “and because of how am, your house has to be wrecked and your dds made to feel unsafe”

Also if he rejects his diagnosis, then there’s no reason why he should need to move home or have this behaviour tolerated. He can’t have it both ways.

I feel very sorry for your DDs if you are contemplating bringing back someone who - if he weren't your son - you'd see as mildly abusive towards them. His behaviour is unacceptable, whatever his disability.

I'd echo PPs' suggestions about getting some support to enable him to live independently, and gradually help him to manage to find strategies to find some sort of accommodation between his neurodivergence and a world which is organised around neurotypicality.

If he won't act on his situation by gaining advice and you have explained why he can't return home, you as a mum have no solution.
Maybe finding himself homeless will be the wake up call he needs.
I would though spell it out how not having an address can spiral your life out of control very quickly.
Bank account, work, motor insurance.

If he's too proud to seek help, just wait, tell him, the first time he's asked for his address and has to say he doesn't have one.
So either that or get help, his choice.
If you cave, it will all go wrong and your relationship with him could be damaged for ever.

The Scottish government have a scheme that all house builders have to provide a certain number of affordable and social housing for rent within the allocation of new builds. It has been really effective from what I’ve seen.
it’s a shame the rest of the UK hasn’t followed suit.

People with a diagnosis like your son, requires extra support in school, support in the home and eventually in employment.
It is naive to think that at 18 and above, they no longer require supports, benefits entitlement or not.
Sadly it shouldn't boil down to money.

I think I’d encourage him to join the armed forces where his work ethic would be valued (although perhaps not the lack of respect for authority……) and he would be provided with accommodation!

No, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) accommodate that OP.

Quite aside from the wellbeing of the rest of your family, it is not doing him any favours. If he comes back he probably won’t leave again.

If I were you I’d encourage him to find a new place.

Nope

I see your dilemma and feel for your son but think in this situation you have to go with the best long term solution, and put in place boundaries to help your son grow and develop as an adult. I think this requires hands off guidance and tough love.

Moving him in with you will enable the very behaviours and sense of entitlement he struggles with. It would be different he was going through a temporary crisis or change in circumstances (eg adult son navigating a divorce, university graduate looking for employment). But the core of his current problems are his long term struggles with basic life skills. He is understandably looking for an easy way out of adulting, which will only further entrench those struggles by taking away his only all opportunities to practice independence, being considerate of others, taking care of a home, and socialising with people beyond immediate family.

I think supporting him in a hands off way rather taking on his problems as your own, will allow him to fail and teach him that he bears the consequences of his life choices. The freedom to fail and try again is essential for growth, and may be his only motivation to change.

It was his choice to trash his house, it is his choice not to medicate his ADHD or seek help for his autism, it is his choice not to socialise, and it is his choice not to train in a higher earning or more fulfilling career. Those choices have natural consequences and by being allowed to experience those natural consequences, he will have a chance to grow.

There are other ways to provide support that don’t prevent him from experiencing and learning from his own mistakes - e.g. by helping to financially fund a course if he wants train in another career, helping him find new housing, helping him reapply for PIP/ seek medical support for his conditions, offering to provide financial support if he consistently engages in medical treatment/ support for his conditions.

However, if you completely shield him from the natural consequences of his bad choices, you are not only creating a miserable future for yourself but also preventing his future resilience and independence as an adult.

Angry, aggressive, intimidating men in the home are terrifying for women to endure.
Even worse for minors that cannot leave.
It is very sad but once he comes back the OP and his siblings are at his mercy.
There is no forcing an adult man to conform.

Your daughters have suffered enough.
It is very sad but offer to go to the Council with him.
Offer statements from your daughters of what life was like living with him.

I have several friends in their 50's and 60's that had domineering older brothers.
None of them are in contact today, and their relationships with their late parents never recovered from them allowing the bullying to go unchecked.

Their parents didn't have anything but the most distant relationship with their grandchildren as a result.

This

He has a problem, but won't get help. He can get a room, but not one he likes. Well, tough! This is what being an adult is all about. Most of us have lived in shit rooms and shit apartments in our twenties. It's practically a right of passage. There are resources available to him, but he prefers to whine and is putting pressure on you to bail him out to the detriment of the rest of the family.

Don't do it. If he talks about preferring to sleep in his car rather than look for another place, leave him to it. It's his decision. Do not let him manipulate or intimidate you.

This. Make it clear that moving back is not an option.