I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

No, I don't think you can have him back to live with you, it wouldn't be fair on the other dc. I'd also be worried about him ever being about to leave again if he came back.

Ultimately, he's a competent adult. I can understand him feeling overwhelmed and wanting to come home, but he needs to make the best out of the choices available to him.

I wonder about other ways to support him. Does he have much of a social life? Accessing people with similar niche interests can be a real game changer, it was for me!

I'm sorry, but I'm autistic and never in my life have I been aggressive towards someone. It's funny how it's usually men who are aggressive as usual, but we have to put up with it if they have a diagnosis.

Exactly this. I'm AuDHD and have two autistic boys (one with ADHD, one without). They don't have co-occurring learning disabilities..We have never, ever taught them that autism means they can treat others how they like. It does autistic people a disservice when they are totally mollycoddled and people believe we are not capable of understanding the impact or natural consequences of our actions and changing behaviour. Autism is a reason this may be more difficult (executive functioning, memory, habit formation, ability to perspective take, etc) but if the autistic person has full capacity, no LD and is able to live as an autonomous adult, it is not an excuse.

I was absolutely determined to not be one of those mothers of autistic boys who think the world must bend for their every need, and who care nothing for their autistic child's impact on others, even their other children.

ND parenting isn't easy, it's even less easy when you are ND yourself, so I'm not without sympathy for how difficult a job is, how much advocacy you have to do, how the world doesn't understand, school doesn't understand, etc. I know it's bloody hard to get help unless you can pay, or navigate the system. But autistic children still need boundaries, they still need to understand there are consequences for treating others badly, and they need to understand that nobody will give them a free autism pass once they become adults. They're no longer a dysregulated child lashing out at that point, they're a scary full grown adult male.

There will be other houseshares where people are willing to live in a sty. Did the other people move out because of him as that’s a problem that might repeat?

This is absolute bullshit. I am autistic. I am still responsible for how I treat people.

I can be terribly blunt. I can be very abrasive towards others when just trying to get through my day. I can have meltdowns where my behaviour is overly angry, even aggressive in my younger years. I am still responsible, it's still possible to learn this behaviour is not okay and put extra effort in to do no harm - or at least to be sorry for the behaviour you can't help, that has impacted others, and work with others to figure out how to make it better for everyone.

There will be some people who cannot understand, of course, but if you're here writing your opinions on mumsnet - or in the case of OPs child, able to live independently, drive and hold down a job - you can understand and put effort in to control yourself and your reactions so you do not cause harm and hurt to others.

Having an autism diagnosis is not a free pass to treat people like shit. Not at all.

There have been others on this thread that have attested to the long term damage being subjected to a violent and aggressive autistic sibling can cause.

That his behavior is caused by autism does not negate the harmful impact it has on those around him. His siblings aren’t obliged to accept his behavior and/or want to be around him. He’s an adult man that is capable of living independently, and his desire to move back in with OP, to the detriment of everyone else in the home, is not more important than the welfare of OP, her husband, and daughters.

I'm so glad my family treat me the same as they would there normal children. You do know autism is an illness and this lad has no control over how he is mostly. Were his siblings even brought up to understand the differences how it's actually not bullying, hurtful comments etc and part of an uncontrollable illness and to ignore rather than take to heart. Anyhow my siblings were so they know thoughtless words, deeds etc means nothing so we have no problems and ye I left at 18 struggled alone tbh for a while and then got invited back home and siblings re-shuffled happily. Middle 2 siblings are fine but my youngest brother 12 years younger is even more autistic and ye we just get on and love each other anyhow..They are only bullying, nasty words when they come from a person with no problems and can control themselves

Her situation is very common. I agree. Seen this too.

It's a mum blaming default you have gone to though. Not fair at all. Punishment in traditional forms tend not to work. I don't therefore agree that she should have done that. OP is probably scared of him and we can't determine here how much back up if any she has/ has from a father figure. That plays a role. There may be commonalities that many recognise here but the tools accessible and additional ingredients that may go into this situation are different for each family.

I'm an advocate for meds if all else fails. But even that is no easy feat if he is headstrong and resistant and has been for a long time I'd guess.

It is not unfair many parents make allowances for sn children, until they're adults who have the same behaviour, it is imperative to change this behaviour when they're young and continue channelling their sensory output.
Not on the ipad.

Not short sighted at all.
It is not a dream-list, it is a must when you have a child who is on the spectrum, aggressive with defiance.
I couldn't afford the services neither but we had no chance of getting them publicly.

OP should have punished her DS for his behaviour years ago, walking in to his Dsis room, punching walls, remove his things, he can't meltdown forever, he'll eventually tire.
OP's situation is not unusual. I seen it all before.

What a horrible post and very judgemental.

Sometimes children/teens won’t agree to do therapy or take medication, you can’t force them. Then they change from not being a child anymore to an adult and if they are being aggressive and violent then that is scary and OP should absolutely protect the children she still has in her home.

Everything isn’t solved by CBT and talking about feelings. Sometimes you just need to make a boundary.

Come on now. That is incredibly short sighted and very unfair on OP. That dreamlist you provided is just that. It really isn't within the gift of many mum's. How long has her son been denying his status as an ND person who needs support that he himself has to engage in. This probably started quite young. And maybe OP can't afford the implementation of that list. We know public services won't provide it. Very unfair post.

At no point does OP refusing to house him in her home mean dumping him and doing a runner. Stop it.

he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful

Yep, leaving him out in the cold for society to deal with, where he can be aggressive and intimidating.
Why wasn't his attitude worked on with a therapist when he was young enough to change, occupational therapy to channel frustration, CBT to regulate emotions, so many people make allowance for bad behaviour from children with SN and once they're an adult, you shut the door.
We're both thankfully working again. I have spent years financially broke paying for OT and play therapy for DS.
We continue to work on his empathy and resilience. He may move out, he might not, however it is my job to try give him the tools to cope.

Not even universal credit?

Totally agree with all this. I'm quite au fait with the nightmare ridiculous questions on PIP forms and supporting people to help their answers fit. Great advice there ref TTok.

He needs benefit help and it's wrong the way it's set up. I agree entirely that playing the game is the only way.

He'd need your help filling the form OP and being there in an assessment with him because the god damn numpties assessing will have zero true comprehension of his challenges.

Absolutely agree with this OP.

You have to protect your daughters, and yourselves at this point.
He’s working and has been living independently. It’s not a party for anybody, and independence is hard when you’re a young adult, but he’s aggressive and manipulative. Support him with housing by all means, but elsewhere.

The thing with Pip and being ND I can almost guarantee that unless you understand the nuances in the questions then you get refused.
There is a poster on tik tok who goes through the questions and explains everything (think in RL she is a solicitor)
He should apply again taking her advice and relating it to how he lives.

Could you approach this as, if he can put aside the fact he doesn’t believe he has ADHD and autism and “play the game” it will mean he gets more money in and that will mean he can find a better flat/car/wont have trouble with his bills/can afford stuff etc

If he has a diagnosis of ADHD then meds are what he needs. Some people might get results from things you can get online or OTC eg, Lions Mane, L Carnitane, Saffron, etc but meds are what he needs (I take meds and all of the above and still my brain doesn't quieten but I can get stuff done)

Could you maybe give him the information that having ADHD means not only is his brain a different shape to a NT person but if he goes through life unmedicated his lifespan will be shortened by about 15 years compared to a NT person

If the first meds he gets don’t make him feel right then he can try others. There are different brands, different strengths and different types

He does need to try them for at least a month to get used to them and then he can try stronger or a different medication. He needs to go back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed him and go through titration.

Maybe point out that the way he is with people and the mess and the destruction are all part of his ND and if he still thinks he is not ND then he needs to look at how NT’s live.

The anxiety and frustration that comes with being ND in a NT world manifests as anger.
Being ND and not being able to concentrate on anything that doesn’t interest you when surrounded by people where life, living and the right words comes easy to them even if it is the most boring thing in the world is like a bad joke.

He is probably a much more intelligent guy than his fellow co workers so seeing people progress above him is really frustrating

I also have a DS diagnosed with ADHD and is more than likely ASD but hasn’t gone for a diagnosis. He is medicated
School wrote him off as never being able to be a functioning member of society and able to look after himself let alone get a job.

Within 3 years of him being diagnosed and medicated he has a managerial role, his own start up business and is learning his 3rd language

Ds never believed he had ADHD and was resistant to meds but he can see now the difference they make.

@Mintsj It sounds as if he's doing pretty well for himself, actually, despite the challenges. He has a full time job and his own place, which is a lot more than many people his age!

Yes, he needs support, but OP can support him without him moving home.

@Mintsj Part of the issue though is that he won’t acknowledge his diagnoses and accept support. He probably won’t flourish until he does.

Do you know many single young autistic men in min wage jobs flourishing on their own? An autistic man is likely to need quite a lot more family support for quite a lot longer than most.

Why can't he flourish living out of home? It sounds far better for him than living at home.

.

Could he apply for a council flat close to yours? Or a privately rented flat, close to yours?

Best of all worlds would be close to home so he can get some support from you, but not actually at home.

As he has diagnosis, would the council have more a of duty of care to help him?

I would prefer not to have him back either. It sounds like having the house free of him has been a welcome relief. Your DDs also deserve some quality of life too. He probably would prefer autonomy and being independent. I would help him with the search for another room, preferably on his own?

He would then only have to look after one place and not cope with others.

Could you just build a nice shed in the back garden? I'm not sure how much they cost but a garden pod would be about 16k so that wouldn't be any good. I know there would be no insulation but it would be better than being homeless.

I wish people didn't think that autism means eligibility for PIP....hardly any of us receive it. He will be more likely to get it if he lives with you because he has to be able to say that someone is prompting him to do things. That said, it sounds like he won't allow you to help with the form and won't understand what he needs to say in an assessment.

And adult man barging into the rooms of your daughters?
Completely unacceptable.