I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

Often people will find it easier to listen to a non family member about the need to take meds and accept help etc. So it may be worth OP looking into local support maybe NAS or MENCAP. If a support worker could build a relationship with him they might be able to persuade him to try meds and re apply for PIP etc.

You are being blackmailed. No. No. No. Be the supportive parent you have always been - but do not let him return home. Think of the others - and value yourself.

This would worry me OP. The mental health crisis for young men, especially those with autism, is REAL.

I would let him come home and find room. Do you have a dining room you could convert to a bedroom or use the living room for a short time? On the understanding he needs to be up and the living room returned to living room status by e.g. 8am every day?

Your DD are sensitive but they should understand their brother has autism and tact can be lacking.

I would suggest a 3 month basis with a caveat something more permanent needs to be in place after that.

It's your DDs home but also your DSs

But then if (when) he doesn't do any of those things, the OP has to actually evict him from her home, which is highly unlikely to actually happen.

So then the other kids suffer, which is what she's trying to avoid - and the son doesn't actually sort himself out either! Lose lose!

Let him move back but with rules, he gets support with his ADHD and autism, he pays rent, he does jobs. It’s then his choice whether to accept these rules or find a room somewhere else.

Let him do that. It will be uncomfortable for him, but it may give him the impetus to find somewhere to live.

If you help him, you may be ruining your DDs peaceful life. They will be insecure. They are unable to defend themselves if he turns to bullying them to get his way again, if you give him his way now.

Do you think he is on drugs? If he is, then he will take anything in the house from you and your DDs to buy them, and you will never recover from that.

If this is so, then you should help him find another place to live for the sake of yours and your family's sanity.

You must consider your DDs first, because they are minors and need you and he obviously does not.

You may have to speak to someone who is able to help you professionally.

You mean your siblings have learned to bury their true feelings so as not to upset you? They’ll possibly end up in dv relationships because they’ve been taught that their own feelings don’t matter and that abusive words don’t really mean anything (except they do). How sad.

OP he’s manipulating you by the sounds of it. I have a brother in his mid 30s who does the same, refuses to get a proper job or flat but also refuses to pay towards bills at my mums because he’s not earned enough. Can’t handle the demands of real life and then sighs and says he’ll just live in his tent on the street.
Autistic Individuals aren’t all poor souls who just need everyone to bend over backwards for them, sometimes someone just isn’t a very good person and will take the mick no matter what you do. I say that as someone whose whole entire family is autistic.

The needs of all members of the family are important though. The son has autism, that does not make the needs of the daughters any less than his, they're different needs. it sounds like the son moving in would have a serious impact on the mental health of others in the Household. There's no winner in this situation. But the OP can do the best they can to support the needs of everyone. Supporting the needs of one shouldn't be at the expense of everyone.

I think it's more that it's complicated - the OP has three children to consider, not just her son. Her son is vulnerable due to him possibly becoming homeless and his autism, her younger children are vulnerable because of their age (being under 18) and how her son behaves when he's home (regardless of how much that behaviour is a choice or not). The OP has said she'd have him home if it weren't for the affect on her two younger children. She also said she's tried to help him search for another place but he's refused that help. She's not abandoning him, she's still supporting him to the extent that he's allowing her to. But she is in a no-win situation as the needs and wants of her three children aren't compatible.

But if this was a mobility issue, the OP’s DS wouldn’t pose a risk to his two teen sisters. In this instance, his aggression and behaviours make him a risk. The OP is in a very unenviable position, because it’s clear that she is in a situation where she has to essentially choose whether to prioritise her adult DS with disabilities, or her two teenage daughters. It’s clear her DS wants to move home and is struggling, and it’s clear that this decision would have a significant and negative impact on his sisters. Living with an aggressive male with no boundaries would 100% impact their sense of safety and security in their home. I can empathise with the son, but I don’t think I’d be able to place two very young women at greater risk. I’d feel horrendously guilty though, and would probably get a second job to ensure I could financially support my son to live in a studio or small flat on his own, as sharehousing is likely to be an issue.

This can so easily be flipped around though. Ever heard of glass children? Many too are NC with their parents for always being sidelined to the more needy sibling.

If OP has him move back in it will be at huge detriment to both her daughters. Don’t they deserve privacy and dignity? Not to be made uncomfortable, and acted aggressive towards in their own home?

It’s disingenuous to compare it to mobility issues. The son has proved he’s capable of living alone, he just doesn’t like it now. And someone with mobility issues wouldn’t actively detriment the rest of the family in the same way someone aggressive, tactless and destructive would.

OP it’s an incredibly hard situation. I think you should support your son as much as possible emotionally, practically and even financially if you can. But draw the line at him moving back in. Your daughters are still minors and just because they aren’t autistic doesn’t mean they don’t have needs and aren’t important.

As an autistic adult myself it feels like you're putting the needs of the "easier" able bodied children above that of your son.
It's what so many autistic adults in the community say has happened to them. The dad thing is if it was an adult child with mobility issues no one would ever put the needs of their other children above those!
Most are now NC with their parents.

@thatsalad ds is autistic and he has never been the slightest bit aggressive. He used to get frustrated when people couldn't understand stand him but now, after years of private and nhs speech therapy that's not an issue anymore. If he is feeling overwhelmed he knows to take a time out but he doesn't expect any special treatment because of his 'illness'.

My late db would have been diagnosed as autistic if he'd been born now and our parents, especially df, were very keen for him to move out and be independent. He wasn't aggressive and was very clean and neat he could drive and had a minimum wage job. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think both my parents regret him moving out (aged about 28) and though he seemed to cope at first he became very lonely. He also started drinking and became an alcoholic. He couldn't afford to keep a car. He died last year.
Ds is also autistic (aged 22) and can be loud. He knows that being ND does not mean he can behave badly! I expect he will move out but he would be welcome to live at home. Dd3 is still at school and there have been issues but she has learned to stick up for herself and they are quite close.

Could you find a new part for him. Staying with a tolerant family member outside of your home? He might behave better with them, and have a new frame of mind from being somewhere new?

Look into supported living for him

Op he’s an adult. Your duty is to protect your children who are still living at home. They cannot move out to get away from their brother who bullies them and is agressive. You also need to prioritise your marriage.
He’s shown he can live independently. Moving back home is NOT an option because it will put your other children are not safe, your marriage will suffer, your house will be ruined again and it’s not temporary. He will be home forever and your other kids will move out as soon as they can to escape the abuse at home and your marriage might end in divorce. You can’t prioritise his comfort over the safety of 4 other people.

Many of you are wilfully ignorant towards disabilities and that's why your empathy is in the bin here.

OP, clearly having your son back home is a risk to your daughters so you can't do that, but I think if your view of your son is as most responders have shared here i.e. a manipulator who will be fine if you just push him out and don't consider how autism impacts his behaviour, your approach to solutions will be limited. If you see him as your son who is genuinely struggling and seeking help then you can think of ways to help beyond having him back at home. It's also possible to see your daughters as needing safeguarding from his aggressions and understand that he might feel abandoned in the process, AND still decide he cannot come home. This thread is littered with binary thinking.

Does he have an official diagnosis for autism? If so what has been his support so far and what has worked? Have you reached out to any charities/groups that work with youths with autism? The latter especially will be key because it sounds like he has no one to connect with and someone more specialised would help.

There are no overnight solutions to your situation and I understand it must be really difficult but hopefully with the right support life will gradually improve for him and you all.

Can’t really believe the responses here. At the end of the day he is your child, he needs your support whatever age he is. My son is autistic and can be a handful on times for myself and his younger sibling, but there is no way I could ever abandon him. It really does seem like you prefer life without him.

People saying here he won’t end up homeless, chances are he will, people with ASD are at a significantly higher risk of homelessness than the general population. Could you forgive yourself if that happened? I really hope you can work something out.

I asked the OP this question yesterday but she hasn't been back for 24 hrs .

The safety and wellbeing of the family as a whole needs to be the priority. If your DS moving in has a detrimental impact, including to his own health and wellbeing, then that's not the solution to this. Contact adult social services for advice, and provide information about the options to your son to take forward with your support.

How old are the other children?