I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

He was accommodated there before. Not long ago, in fact.

I really feel for this guy and can’t imagine how it must feel to be struggling so much plus have your entire family not want you just to come home.

Working in a city and walking past young men sleeping rough every day just really gets to me.

Anyway, I hope the OP and her family can work out a solution that means everyone has stability.

Go onto Facebook and look up the support group ‘Fightback for Justice’. They are AMAZING at helping genuine disabled people get the benefits they are entntiled to. They are a free advice service but for a fee will help you fill in forms, check them for you etc. They are a non profit CIC and run by a solicitor called Michelle. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Ignore the posters who say that you must love your daughters more, value a tidy home more than you son etc. Unless you have lived day in , day out with an autistic person with ADHD you have no idea whatsoever of the chaos that they can cause. The mess! The stuff left in bedroom! The demands for privacy but when you dare to venture in the bedroom to look for all of your teaspoons/forks etc it’s almost like you need a hazmat suit!
My advice - don’t have him back. He’s manipulating you ( some autistic people are very very good at this in order to get their own way) to get what he wants without a thought of what your daughters need or you and his dad.
Contact every agency/charity you can to get him support and to help him get social housing or supported housing. If he comes back he will never leave.

l know you love him. I know you want the best for him and I know you won’t abandon him - so give him as much support as you can but tell him he is an adult and has to learn to live independently from you as you won’t always be here.
People don’t understand that with an autistic child the support, the emotional/financial help never ever ends and is much much more than a NT child needs. It’s non stop and utterly draining. It’s such hard work.
We do it because we are their mum and we love them but we have to teach them how to be independant as one day we won’t be here to run their lives/do everything for them and so it’s vital they learn. Cruel to be kind but it has to be done.
Good luck sweetheart.

Well that sounds like emotional black mail on his behalf if he won’t accept your help.

Yes - it may be a reason but it’s never an excuse.

Pish posh. This young man will unlikely see beyond himself. Ever! He is not stupid. He just sounds like he pretends he is for the sympathy vote and to guiltrip his poor mother

So they all have live a life of hell? His parents are trying to support him in every way possible. I'm sure the OP doesn't need you guiltripping her, the way he is. I'm sure she is beating herself up having to choose between the happiness of her son and that of herself and the rest of the household. Should they all just live their lives walking on eggshells and in fear of anger bouts and verbal abuse?

Well like it or not, he's an adult who as you say holds down a job so needs to find somewhere to live. I'd insist of helping him find another room in a shared house but invite him over a couple of evenings each week for a meal and again at the weekend one of the days so he knows he's loved and wanted around. Tell him you've given the bedroom he slept in to his sister now so he can't have the room back as it's being used. He won't pick being homeless and sleeping in his car over a safe room. I'd help him out with bond if necessary though.

Bless her. It is a tough business growing up ND in a NT world and especially if you have a high sensitivity ND profile. Best of luck to your DD with uni and I hope she finds a lovely ND tribe who will look out for each other.

No not at all. I wouldn’t let her do it!

But she’s a gentle soul really. She just cries all the time.😣

I think you have to consider your younger daughters in all this. They are not adults and don’t have the ability to make decisions themselves about their living arrangements. By letting your ds move back in, you are putting them at risk.

I know it sounds harsh, but unless you have the space and money to build a separate house/annex for him then he needs to stand on his own two feet. At the moment he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into letting him move back in, by saying he’ll sleep in his car. No one in the uk should ever be homeless and you’ve given him help, just not the sort he wants.

I'm well aware, I'm autistic and used to do autism and ADHD assessments myself. I'm not like NTs either, and nor are my DC, and we are often made painfully aware of it! The whole "ND emotional age" thing is subjective, and depends on the young person, upbringing, etc. It isn’t a hard and fast rule that can be applied to all autistic folks. It did used to annoy me when the psychs I worked with would say stuff like that, because there's not sufficient evidence to substantiate it. Autism research is overwhelmingly done on middle class white boys, it lacks the diversity to speak for women, girls and differences in background, ethnicity, etc. But clinicians repeat this stuff as if it's gospel and it isn't. But here endeth the autistic soap box for the day. Back on topic.

If you read what I said, I didn't suggest that autistic people with fewer support needs don't struggle with anything. Adulting is hard - I'm 47 and it still is some days. The poster I was responding to was suggesting OP's son a) had severe autism and b) can't be held responsible for what he does, which he a) doesn't and b) isn't accurate.

I don't doubt uni might be challenging, and exhausting at times, but I also would venture to suggest that you probably wouldn't find it acceptable for your daughter to lash out unprovoked at a housemate because she was exhausted from a bus journey, for example, as I wouldn't for my almost uni aged autistic DS.

My dd isn’t severely autistic. She’s going to university in September. But that’s all she will be able to do. She will I’ll be overwhelmed or exhausted by public transport, socialising, cooking. She’s classed as high functioning. And the pyschologist who assessed her told us that the emotional development of ND is a third behind the rest of their peers. So if OP’s son is say 24. That means he is functioning at about 16 years of age.

Having said that l still don’t think op should have him back, but there is a lot of misunderstanding of ASD people on here. They aren’t like NT, they do get overwhelmed and all will struggle in some areas of life even if they are OK in others.

He won't get pip. It is a huge form to fill in and very stressful in itself, which set my son (aspergers) off on several meltdowns. The fact he can drive, can navigate life (to a certain extent) and holds down a job means in general he is able to be independent. I totally empathise with OP. The flying off the handle and temper tantrums can last for days. And frighten me. Also physical aggression and he's a big chunky lad. How about anger management referral? Try and tackle each area of his disruptive behaviour separately? No solutions for you (sadly) or I'd have taken them on myself. I would praise his getting and retaining employment tho'. Even if not his ideal role, it keeps him 'out of trouble'!

Don’t have him back. Instead support him as best you can by enabling him and helping him find alternative living accommodation. Go to Citizens Advice to see what help he could get with his issues. Maybe he could change his job or learn a trade.

Have you got a spare room downstairs that you could turn into being his, leaving DDs where they are?

If he won't improve his attitude and behaviour, how can you reaĺly be expected to have him back?

@givedogbone

Absolutely shocking responses from people who obviously have never dealt with a severely autistic person.

OP's son isn’t "severely autistic". He is working, can drive, and has been able to live independently, albeit some aspects of those things are hard. That isn't severe autism. I would agree with you if he also had learning disabilities and/or other complex needs and lacked capacity and OP was washing her hands of him, but that's not the case here at all. Even if he did have severe autism, if it wasn't safe for the younger children in the house to have him there, OP would have to find other care for him to keep the younger siblings safe. Otherwise is she not effectively abandoning them?

He may well be struggling with his mental health, but nobody here has said OP should abandon him or disown him. Most people have said OP should support him in other ways while he continues to live outside the family home, which is common sense.

Don’t have him back. You’ll end up with your other children having to leave home earlier than they should and they will distance from you because you have prioritised him over everyone else.
he is living independently, support him to continue and ignore all the emotional blackmail about living in his car. There are options, he needs to face them. He works and drives and needs to continue to progress .

Nope, he's mid twenties; if you let him come back he'll never leave. Why should you and your family put up with an aggressive, untidy, destructive man?

Absolutely shocking responses from people who obviously have never dealt with a severely autistic person. A very good friend at work has their autistic son still living with her at 25, didn’t once cross her mind to abandon him despite it taking over her life.

No, he is not blackmailing anyone, no he is not bullying his sisters. He’s mentally ill and doesn’t know how what he’s doing impacts other people.

He’s clearly not capable of living independently, and no landlord or tenants would want him in their house any more than you do.

He’s your child and you need to care for him. Unless you basically want to disown him and cut him out of your lives. It’s not your fault he’s like he is, but unfortunately it is your problem.

Or he could follow the rules and they all live happily ever after.

No need to fail someone before they’ve been given the opportunity to try.

Your DD are sensitive but they should understand their brother has autism and tact can be lacking

We're not talking about lacking tact. We are talking about previous aggressive behaviour and the privacy of minor females being invaded by a full grown adult male.

Autism or not, safeguarding minor children is the priority over and above an adult with full capacity.

If I asked someone to move out and they didn't then I'd be changing the locks.

I think this is an unfair comment, he's an adult, able to hold down a job, learned to drive and did live independently for a year. The OP said he'd been aggressive towards his 2 younger sisters so why should he be given preferential treatment over his sisters? He would be making 4 other people unhappy/worried by returning so why is the OP the baddie in this?

@JustMarriedBecca Would he really move out if asked to though? I think it's highly unlikely.

I think our job as parents is to prepare our children to live as independently as possible and to be become the best version of themselves while providing unconditional love and strong boundaries.
With your son, I’d break it into small tasks. Focus on the positive. He’s living and working independently and has a strong work ethic. I’d give him lots of praise and kudos for that.
His current set up is a mess so perhaps he starts by breaking the tidying and cleaning into small tasks. Make a list. Tick them off. Can the whole family go over one weekend and help him improve his environment?

If he gets aggressive or won’t participate, stop and explain you’ll be back to help when he’s happy to join in.
Keep trying until it is done. Then set a list of weekly tasks he needs to do to keep on top of it. Explain that everyone has a responsibility to themselves and their neighbours to keep their environment clean and organised.
Next tackle his personal care, diet etc. Is there a sport or exercise he enjoys? Could you or DH or one of his siblings or friends go with him to this activity and support him or join in with him?
He is unpopular at work and has few friends. Is there a hobby he loves where he can hang out with like-minded people and adapt his social skills? Can you help him to verbalise and understand why he has difficulty with relationships? Can you encourage and help him with friendships? Is there a charity or therapy he can access to help him with his social contacts?
He has no qualifications and does not like his job but has a great work ethic. Is there a better job for him, one that makes better use of his skills or that he would enjoy more? Could he work towards a practical qualification in his spare time?
I’d lean into the thing he likes and the things that bring him joy. I’d try to incorporate family time with him outside of the home - a family trip to the cinema or for food or a weekly takeaway at his (now clean) home. Can you take him on holiday for a week?
Basically, set firm boundaries about moving back in to the family home. That’s not possible and would be a retrograde step. But ensure he feels loved and included whenever possible. Is there wider family that can also help you support him.
Lots of young people earn badly at first and living independently is a huge shock to the system but he deserves praise for this. He may not have a lot of spare cash but he has enough to support himself. Make sure he understands this and that he has to remain self-sufficient. There is no magic money tree. Work gives him a sense of purpose and routine so that must be protected at all costs.
It’s a long slow road, OP, but he’s done brilliantly moving out and staying employed. Remind him frequently of this. Do everything you can to support him in his current circumstances. Don’t give in to blackmail. Point out the consequences of his choices and explain that while you will always support him emotionally and love him unconditionally, we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. Explain exactly what you can and can’t do for him going forward and let the decision be his. He’s an adult, and while he needs as much support as you can give him, he needs to be allowed to choose for himself. Good luck.