I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

This is a totally vile thing to say. The OP is torn here but stating that her disabled son is some sort of animal is just not acceptable.

You don't get all of this stuff just for being autistic though.

The criteria are strict and the waiting lists endless.

I don't think you can have him back home, because of your two under-18 daughters but also because long term I don't think it'll help your son. What I do think you can maybe do is to help him blitz his current place so he gets as much of his damage deposit back as possible - so he can then use this for his next place. I'd also help him re making sure that he's definitely not entitled to any benefits, either to help with rent costs or related to the struggles it sounds like he has looking after himself day to day. Or direct him to any organisation that could help him with that if he'd rather. I'd also help him look for accomodation if he'd like help with that. I think you need to tell him that he isn't able to come back home so he knows that is definitely off the table and starts accepting that and exploring his options. I'd also make sure he has really thought through living in his car eg the heat/cold, uncomfortableness, where he'll park, cooking, washing, being presentable for work etc.

His being Autistic and how that presents is the huge factor here. OP wouldn't be on here even asking this if he wasn't.

This isn't a helicopter parent situ, it's weighing up what the right thing is with the conditions being the huge factor. It's weighing up risks and detriment to other people whilst considering the vulnerability and disability he actually has.

It's really nothing at all about helicopter parents. OP is like this because he's Autistic. He's vulnerable and will have struggled all his life, so she'll naturally over compensate for that reason.

Parents in another situation without ND kids would never fully understand..

OP I understand your dilemma but personally I couldn't wash my hands of a DC .
My younger DD (late 20s) is also ASD and living on her own for the past year with a bit of parental support but if she was struggling I'd have her back home. She wasn't ever aggressive, destructive or violent though, so I suppose I'm making a bit of an unfair comparison.
However I totally understand that you also have younger kids who deserve a reasonable quality of home life. This must be so difficult for you.
I think you need to act however your conscience dictates as there will be a victim whatever you decide to do here.
On a practical note try again to get your DS PIP as that could really help with his money worries. I got an info pack from an online charity about how to maximise your chances of getting awarded PIP. Unfortunately this was over 10 years ago and I can't remember the name of the charity. I found them by googling help with claiming PIP if you have autism.
The information was so helpful and explained where people were going wrong in the claims process . While still being completely truthful my daughter was awarded a much higher rate than I expected (over £700 a month) and this has helped her so much as she too has a minimum wage job.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

He needs to learn to live independently. You won’t be around forever & it isn’t fair on your poor daughters.

I was the daughter in this situation and I’ve gone on to have a string of abusive relationships because of it. Due to my brother; I am desensitised to violence, aggression, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour because to me it was “normal” so I don’t spot the red flags until it’s too late. I learnt as a child to walk on eggshells, be a people pleaser so as to not “set him off” and that my wants and needs don’t matter. I learned to keep myself “small” as going unnoticed was the safest option and I learned to live with the feeling of being constantly unsafe.

I’m 39 now and I’m still learning what a healthy relationship and home environment should be so don’t underestimate the damage done in childhood to glass children.

I have a similar situation except that it is a daughter and for now she is in supported accommodation. I couldn't have her home though I love her dearly. She and her brother (also autistic) cannot live under the same roof.

Have you got a housing officer you can ask for advice? I think your son needs to be on the housing list for a council flat. I would do what PP have suggested and contact all the local charities that you can think of and support him to go to the housing office

He needs to stay put until evicted and made homeless.

We currently have our adult ds3 living with us - he and his girlfriend want to move in together, but can't until she knows where her training placements and post training placement will be - it could be anywhere in Scotland, so they aren't in a position to take on a rental or a mortgage right now - so of course we were happy to take ds3 in.

But the big difference is that he is respectful of the house, helpful, pleasant to have around, doesn't cause problems for either dh or me, and wouldn't dream of punching walls, creating huge amounts of mess or making other people feel unhappy or unsafe in their own home.

If he had been like @nomorecheesyjokes's ds, I doubt we would have been happy to let him move back in.

It seems to be a really common attitude on here and it's insane. So many helicopter parents who seem to think children should never leave the nest, even when they're fully grown adults.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t have benefits. If he’s autistic and being made homeless, and on minimum wage, surely the council would help with temporary housing? It won’t be pretty but I don’t think you should have him home with two young girls that are intimidated by him.

Oh come on. He's 25 years old, not 12 or even 18. He's an adult. Parents are not obliged to feed and put a roof over their kids' heads for their entire lives, especially when it causes problems for them financially and emotionally.

He's an adult and needs to sort himself out. Doesn't matter that he's ND (which he doesn't accept anyway), he needs to take responsibility for his own life and pay his own way.

He needs to talk to Citizen's Advice and make an application for his own council housing.

Are you insane? What is it about the OP's son that makes you think he'd care for her in her old age?

Oh come on! Her son isn't the only person involved in this. I wouldn't like to live with him - would you? I'm fed up of people suggesting women should be martyrs to their adult children.

@TheignT very shitty attempt at guilt tripping OP.

Also a good attempt at further gaslighting vulnerable females as 'too sensitive ' because they're expressing a very reasonable reaction to male intimidation. Probably more than what OP alludes to here. OP is very likely minimising the extent and impact on everyone, as mum's often do in this situation.

@PiggyPigalleyou are not the only poster that’s done this but a diagnosis does NOT guarantee benefits of any kind. My son has severe autism and has spent years in and out of psychiatric hospital as a teenager. He lost his DLA when it turned into PIP (age related) I helped him appeal and he was still declined.
And yet my youngest son who is far less affected gets full PIP as he had someone very understanding and knowledgeable assess him.
No one (unless they have been through it) knows what it is like to live with someone like this. It nearly destroyed me and I am still supporting and caring for the youngest. Sometimes you just have to say I can’t….

I would retry any charity that provides support, speak to GP if there are any supports available. could medication help?

Any chance of supportive counselling -life coach type - perhaps described as a career advisor.

Don’t have him in an annexe in your house as he obviously doesn’t follow normal expectations and would be in the house all the time.

Does he get benefits as he could work for a charity but it would be voluntary work so no pay.

I would also be sensitive to being subjected to violent and aggressive behaviour in my own home but I guess we are all different. Just for reference, after how many instances of such behaviour would “sensitive” progress to “justifiably scared” in your eyes?

It would be deeply unfair and damaging to your daughters for him to move back in. Your son's presence would put a strain on all four of you, and that's not something you should entertain.

Protect your daughters, protect your sanity, protect your home. Him moving back is not the solution.

Us giving opinions on whether he should live with mum or not, doesn't matter, as he won't be. That's her wish and her right.
If he was diagnosed, medicated and receiving benefits, it could change a lot, both for him and OP.
If he was calm, settled and managing, OP wouldn't have to worry so much.

It's diagnosis and help with rent he needs. It would also allow the rent to be paid direct to his LL.

Have you ever had to live with an aggressive man? Is that what you’d want for any daughters you have?

Oh me too, she's exhausted all other options. It really is desperate and has almost destroyed her.

Why are you infantilising a grown man? Not to mention one with a history of violent and aggressive behaviour?