Dh’s mum slapped ds

Obviously it’s not acceptable for her to hit one’s child, but is there not just a little irony in the replies “she would get a slap from ME”? I thought that one reason (among many others) that many of us think it’s wrong to hit children is because nobody should be hitting anybody.

Her instinct when faced with a screaming child was to slap him?! That’s not someone I’d ever have around my child unsupervised and I’d be close to saying at all unless she sincerely apologised and could see why I was upset.
I would probably speak to DH first, to make sure we were on the same page and that he knew what I planned to do re the conversation with his mother. I expect he wasn’t quite as surprised as you were op as she probably slapped him a few times in his time… but times have changed, and it’s just not okay anymore.
As for the pp flicking water in her children’s faces for expressing emotion in a very normal-for-their-age way… 🤯

but that's when you do something that you know is wrong, and socially unacceptable.

If she did it as it's "natural" to her, why do you pretend she thinks it's wrong or she has to hide? makes no sense.

I am a lot stricter with my kids in public than at home, and I am not the only one.

I think you need to go back to her. I would go back to your dh and have an open conversation about her parenting style as sometimes grandparents revert to what they did as parents forgetting themselves and if she had no problem hitting your dh then you know she thinks it's acceptable.

I also agree next steps depend on her response and how hard it was. If it was hard enough to hurt him then she doesn't get to be alone with him again period. If she's not remorseful then I just wouldn't have her around him again at all.

I totally understand freezing and not knowing what to do at the time, there's reasons why people can react in that way on instinct so don't be too hard on yourself. You focused on your child and you can still address this. It will be important that your dh is on the same page with this. I would confront her as a team, together so she knows you are both in complete agreement on this.

Obviously if there are additional circumstances like dementia or other vulnerabilities advice might be different but you've not mentioned that here.

Angry? I'd be raging. You are there to protect your son, what she did is not ok and you need to be very clear in telling her that & also explaining to your son that it shouldn't have happened & why (boundaries).

She should have acknowledged it and apologised though. It’s the fact she didn’t do either of those things that would concern me. (OP’s mil that is).

My mum did something similar to my DS when he accidentally trod on her foot, she tapped (not smacked) him on the arm. It was a reflex and I am sure she felt awful afterwards but I wasn't worried that she would be smacking him without me there, and I didnt want to make a massive deal of it. Yes my parents smacked me when I was child and no, I didn't smack my DS as times had changed but I wouldn't have made a big fuss over something that was an instant reaction, it probably shocked her like being trod on the food if it was in close proximity. I doubt your child will be traumatised over it, I just asked my 19 yo son if he remembers and he doesn't but said he probably deserved it!

You probably don’t want to permanently cut her out of your life so I would tell her there is to be no smacking under any circumstances. I wouldn’t leave him alone with her though because, as others have said, if she can do that so freely right in front of you, you can’t trust her to not repeat it (or harder) in your absence. Be strict about it and don’t take any ‘gaslighting’ from her. My mum used to smack us as kids but never, ever laid a finger on her gc.

Really can’t understand why you didn’t say anything but maybe that’s because I’m older now and a lot more assertive. Are you afraid of your mil?

I had a go at my dm for slapping my puppy for nipping her when excited.
I can’t imagine saying nothing to a person slapping my dc.
You need to tell mil it's unacceptable.

I'm trying to understand the difference between slapping a child and flicking water in its face.

My eldest is 45 I certainly never slapped him or his siblings and I had absolutely no idea that people were throwing water at their children's faces, what bizarre behaviour.

Please speak in very strong terms to your MIL OP and never leave her alone with your child. She need to be told to learn to control her 'instincts' to hit small people.

Good idea? Could you be a bit clearer?

Good idea!

Hang on, someone HIT your child and you didn't DO or SAY anything??!!

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt with the 'shock' of it but you could at least be messaging her to let her know that if she ever does it again she will be picking herself up off the floor and never seeing her GS again.

'Kin hell.

Sorry but that woman would not be seeing my child any more unless she apologised. And would never ever see them unsupervised.

Fair enough to not want to confront her at the time, we are all different but I would have picked my child straight up and left. (If I was you - actually, if it was me I’d probably be in jail for slapping her back 🤣)

🤣🤣 your comment made me laugh so much ive spat all my tea out and its gone up my nostrils too. Yes im so ridiculous you got me . Of course she couldn't go into shock at seeing someone hit her child... and yet she did 🤣🤣🤣

Because we all do this, it's not unusual to do things when unobserved that are socially unacceptable in public, or when someone else is watching, surely?

Don’t be ridiculous, nobody goes into shock becsue their MIL hit their child. Shock is something far more serious and trauma induced. OP went into ‘meek’ mode, not shock.

why do people say that?

If she reacted in a way that is "normal" to her, why would she behave differently alone?

You really need to reflect OP on why you said and did nothing. A grown adult assaulted your three year old child right in front of your nose, and you didn't act or say anything to protect him or make it clear it wasn't acceptable??

This sort of thing can really shape how kids feel around their grown ups, not just his fear around her, but feeling unprotected and unsafe with you.

When someone assaults a child, in front of you, you act. I'm honestly saying this with best wishes for you, but I would heavily suggest some reflection to try and identify why you sat back and did nothing. For your own sake and his.

Hmm, if this was me I am not sure I’d let her see him again. Hitting children is never ok in my book. You may feel this is not doable for you. In which case, I’d certainly bring it up, make it clear it’s non negotiable and if it ever happens again you will not be seeing her again. I’d not let her see him alone again ever in any case - you have no idea what she could do ‘without thinking’ when no one else is there.. You need to discuss this with your DH though - I hope you are on the same page.

Its not bizarre, some ppl go into shock but it doesn't mean they think its OK.

The fact that you are making excuses for your MIL's behaviour is unsettling. You say, "almost on instinct" and in a "knee jerk" reaction she hit him. Hitting is hitting and this was her response to your son being, well, a 3yo.

I can understand being upset with yourself for not speaking up in the moment. I struggle with this too. However, it is not too late to take appropriate steps.

Things to consider:

1. Your MIL hit another person's child. Yes, this is her grandson, but it is not her son.
2. She hit that child in front of his mother.
3. She didn't apologize to you or to your son but defiantly sat there while you consoled a toddler who had just been hit by a person 4 times his size.

This all says a lot about her sense of entitlement and lack of boundaries. She needs to be put in her place immediately or this attitude will manifest in other ways.

I would never let her be alone with your child again. And if she asks why you keep saying no to any requests, I'd tell her exactly why. Her actions, her consequences. Her complete lack of shame or acknowledgement that she majorly overstepped.

I'd also make it clear that if she ever strikes your DS again, she will never see him again, even with you present.

I'd make all of this very clear to DH as well, without making ANY excuses for your MIL, because there is NO excuse.

Are we thinking that there aren't people who are qualified in the science of Child Psychology and aren't writing papers based on research, making that scientific research?

I mean, we could just ignore all that and stick to slapping children and throwing water in their faces, of course. Whatever does it for you. Lol.

Of course there will be an overturning of the current approach in the coming decades. Which was my point. I think we got sidetracked by your clunky sarcastic shift there. We aren't still using many methods used in previous decades, because there is evidence to show that we can do better. This isn't new information, surely?

I’m not sure about “have a calm word” if it was me I’d probably say smack my kid again and I’ll smack you and she definitely wouldn’t be seeing them for a while. I don’t know if she’d be seeing them again tbh… she smacked a 3 year old.

It was a joke.