Sex education for 9-10 year olds

Why on earth does she not know these basic facts by 9 years old?

Loads of 9 year olds won't know.

I tried to teach DD (only child and no family nearby) the facts at that age and she just didn't want to know. I got age appropriate books from the library as well.

I suspect she will have heard stuff at school. As she wouldn't engage with me at all I left it up to the school.

DD was a very young 9 year old BTW and it was obvious she was nowhere near puberty. She started her periods at 13, as did I.

So did I, 30 years ago and in a quite strait-laced prep (i.e. private) school.

Its better they learn from adults than half truths on the playground.

Also families can look very different now. A proportion won't be living in family unit with siblings and both biological parents. The "when a daddy loves a mummy they have a special hug" thing doesn't really cut it anymore.

i am 50 and had this at primary school

no innocence was removed from me

my mum used to say if you’re old enough to ask you are old enough to be told so my daughter asked about how babies are made at around 6 and was told penis in vagina basics with casual nonchalance as if she’d asked me why snot come out her nose or where poo comes from

its basic knowledge on how her body works and will include abuse prevention and consent message

all good stuff and nothing to worry about

Yes, sorry, I wasn't clear. I mean whether they're developmentally capable of understanding it, whatever their numerical age. As I said, my dd is ND and I know this potentially makes her even more vulnerable to abuse. In her case though, she's incredibly inquisitive and has sought out the answers she is capable of understanding. We've just had to be very specific about how we've explained things.

Not understanding your body properly doesn’t make you “innocent”, it makes you misinformed.

There is no rush. She’s nearly 10? Most of the kids in the class will be 10.

And it’s not just “these days”. I was in year 5 in 2004 and I was taught all the above then.

If she is the one kid who doesn’t know this stuff, at best she’ll probably get laughed at for her naive understanding and at worst she’s more vulnerable to abuse.

We had this when I was in Y5 and that was nearly 30 years ago.

We got lessons on puberty and sex in Biology at end of first year of high school. This was in Scotland in the 80s, so most of us started that year at age 12 and were 13 by then. What a waste of time. We all knew about sex, and most of the girls at least were well into puberty.

It's better to learn about these things in an age appropriate way, at the right time before they receive inaccurate or wrong info from other sources.

I recall the sex book though: the first page started "If a couple are married, and wish to have children..." before describing sex. We all thought this was hilariously insulting!

It might also help you to examine your own attitudes around sex, and why you connect language like “inappropriate” and “ loss of innocence” around knowing about it, because it’s likely that learning about the biology and fundamentals through school is going to leave DD with questions that she’d like answered and things she’s curious about - and these are the parts where having parents who can be open and honest about sex and talk about it without any suggestion of it being dirty or not to be spoken about is really important. Over the next few years talking with her about sex being pleasurable, about consent, about what a healthy relationship looks like, about how it’s also fine to want to have sex outside of a relationship is going to be crucial in forming her own adult sexuality.

It's really important for kids to know this stuff before it actually starts happening to them. There will be girls starting periods at 10, starting to develop breasts etc, and boys who will be close to the wet dream stage. Kids do have sexual feelings and thoughts, even if they don't fully understand them. They have to know this stuff before it happens so they're not ashamed/scared/disgusted when it does.

As far as the mechanics of sex goes... what's 'innocence' got to do with this? Your child isn't going to be somehow defiled by learning some basic science. It's literally just biology. Reproduction is a human bodily process just like digestion or respiration or anything else. Your child is not somehow being ruined by learning about it. She will not be less of a child because she knows what ejaculation is. Most kids at that age think 'Urgh, gross' and have a giggle about it and that's that. Just as importantly, they will also be taught about consent and loving relationships. Would you rather your kid learnt about sex from being shown a hardcore porn clip on someone's phone? Because that's the alternative.

Keeping your child ignorant does not keep your child safe. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I'd add that this isn't new - we covered this stuff when I was at primary school at around this age, and I'm now approaching 50. If it wasn't a problem in the mid-1980s it really shouldn't be a problem now.

If you are concerned you can withdraw your child at primary school from Sex Education but not from Relationship Education or Health Education. In secondary school however, it is mandatory. I would talk your concerns through with the school. At Y5 she does need some basic understanding and you may find this runs alongside a science topic with a similar but more biological content.

Don’t be that parent who pulls their child out because you’d only be doing her a disservice

absolutely

She will get the details second-hand from her friends anyway, and frankly she's much better off having the correct first hand version from the teacher

I work in a send school. We cover it developmentally appropriately with pupils.

Out pupils will still have periods and masterbate etc. They need to learn about these things. I’m talking about with children who are non verbal. Part of it is teaching them about talking to the right adults if they are scared or getting hurt. Obviously alongside that a big part is us looking for tell tale signs and reporting any concern immediately.

Bit as children come from sex and sex must be consensual you have to teach it as part of safeguarding.

Why doesn’t your 9yo know about sex, reproduction and periods? I learnt about those kinds of things at school at that age 30 years ago - it’s hardly some brand new phenomenon!

Agree with other posters, OP - this isn’t taking away a child’s innocence this is biology, scientific fact and ensuring they’re hearing about this via a trusted source with their teachers. I had the ‘sex class’ in Y6 (which in the 90’s included a video of a fully naked family! What a lesson that was) and I distinctly remember hanging back with my friend to ask the teacher questions (all very innocent about my period, but still - it opened up that communication pathway and I felt I could go and ask her things I was a bit embarrassed to ask my mum).
It does make me wonder if they’re still putting condoms on cucumbers in Y9 - another memorable science class!!!

Biology has nothing to do with innocence. Year 7 is too late, it needs to be done before.

I'd make sure she knows before the lesson so she isn't the only one there who might look surprised.

They will just take it at face value and as a biology lesson- not as an instruction to go out and have sex.

Giving these children scientific and biological facts isn’t taking away their innocence.

It’s preparing them for very normal changes to their body which may already be happening to some of your daughter’s class mates.

Don’t be that parent who pulls their child out because you’d only be doing her a disservice.

They’re not going to be talking about condoms and sex positions. Just the basics of sex, what it does and how their bodies will soon be changing.

If she didn't know that food goes into her mouth and come out of her bottom as poo and wee, we wouldn't call it innocence.

It's body parts and well worth teaching the basics before the sniggering starts. And they were sniggering at 11 when I was at school in the 1970s.

It's terrible parenting not to prepare them with the real world.

Girls start having their periods! You might want to keep a young child, but she's growing up, it's not about you, it's about her having basic and necessary knowledge.

they will also be talking about boys and wet dreams
so? it happens, how cruel to hide facts like wet dreams and periods.

Do you have any idea what year 5 are already discussing at school between themselves? You'll faint!

Buy Kay's Anatomy and let her read that.

The school PSHE sessions are VERY age-appropriate.

You CAN ask the school not to have mix- sessions, our local schools split the boys and the girls and they have the same lessons but in different classrooms by different teachers.

It does seem young op I get that- I did for me too- mine are older now. 9, year 5/6 is the age when older kids stuff really starts to kick in. Leaning about sex and puberty, being put alone, more independence. As a mum it’s tough because you still feel they are your baby but 8/9/10 is that switching age - the wheel turns to the next stage.
Your DD will be fine- schools are pretty scientific and matter of fact about it all.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and completely agree that knowledge is power in this context. This is precisely the reason we've always had very open and honest conversations with ours - if they're old enough to ask the questions, they're old enough to hear the answers.

I'm always a bit perplexed when, additional needs aside, children of that age don't know at least the basics. Dd has been asking about the mechanics of making babies since she was about 6 or 7. We fudged around it for a bit, but when it was clear our answers weren't satisfying her, I told her the mechanics of sexual intercourse (and also took the opportunity to state explicitly that it's only for adults, not children, and no adult should ever touch, or ask to touch, her private areas and if they do it is them that is in the wrong and she will never get in trouble for telling us). She's 8.

Mind you, she's ND and painfully logical and pragmatic about things. She doesn't believe in God, or Adam and Eve ("because this would mean everyone in the world is related, and brothers and sisters cannot have babies together") and is already suspicious that Santa is not real ("I think it's parents pretending").

I'm in my 50s and learnt about the mechanics of sex around 9 years at school. It's not a new thing.

They need to know it.

this is the age they start puberty. They need to understand sec is how babies are made and about contraception.

importantly it covers consent. But to understand what sexual consent is you need to understand what sex is and what you’re consenting too.
This isn’t solely about sexual Co sent with a peer. It’s also about protecting children from abuse. The younger years cover the NSPCC pants programme.