Awful mum

I’m in a similar shitshow. Autistic ten year old who hard work, I have chronic pain but due to working less I have to do more of looking after ds. Dh works hard but struggles at home due to his mh issues.
Things that have helped me -
counselling
hypnotherapy - to calm anxiety
yoga- I do yoga with Adrienne on you tube
meditation - I use calm app

Things that help me/my son-
haveing a set routine
time on his switch/watching tv (gives me a break)
Repetitive activities he enjoys

Definitely go back to the GP for HRT. The advice they have given you is completely wrong. I’m finding it much easier to cope with my ADHD DC now I’m not one big raging hormonal mess! Hoping things get easier for you soon x

Insisting that your GP prescribes hrt according to NICE guidelines would be a good start. A couple of weeks for it to kick in, then you can start looking at what else you can do to help yourself. If there is any way that you can go and get a 2 night break away from everything, do it, even if it's just in a local hotel. When you feel a bit more human, look at changing jobs.

Ask your DH to take over some small stuff. Yes, he has an auto immune condition and works full time, but he'll be doing a lot more if you break.

I want to prefix what I am about to say by making it clear my experience of SEN children is limited.
If you have training in this area could you sit quietly for a bit (after daughter is in bed or before she gets up!) and think about your situation but imagine you are not DD mum, imagine it is as if you are watching someone else parent her.
What would you advise that person parenting your daughter to do? If, for example you would advise them to send her to gymnastics for a few hours on a Saturday whilst they get coffee then do that!

Ffs one person with chill out and one competing in misery. Op I am so sorry you feel overwhelmed. I have a 17 year old autistic son and before puberty was hell, he was suicidal at the age of 10 and it terrified me because he is a gamer and I don't think he understood when it's game over in real life u don't get to press play again. And now I have a 6 year old non verbal autistic son who's the opposite of the spectrum and it's very frustrating and hard and guilt ridden. Then the teen daughter in the middle who I have hormonal battles with and worry she is being a typical middle child syndrome because her brothers take so much attention. I have been advised to contact the local social work for families with disabled children, I believe it opens gates to respite, support, grants etc but I'll be honest I haven't been able to self refer yet because I have so so so much on my plate and I'm so overwhelmed I just lay in bed frozen with overstimulation. You are not an awful mum. You are a mum with tougher challenges from the little responsibilities to the more important issues. And I fail to address so many every day and I know the relevant services or schools will pick up on my constant forgotten appointments etc. We are living life for the first time, we all don't know what the fuck we are doing and we are all winging it and even the most prim and proper mothers will get rebellious teens, grown up kids estranged because their parents cause them trauma, learning and physical disabilities don't choose a family either. No one can do a better job than you can. Believe in that. I'm trying to force myself to not say anything negative each day and find positive things when I'm angry. And I've finally started shutting my bloody mouth mid argument no matter how angry or in the right I feel because it just adds to the stress. You will get through the rough days. I am with you.

Hugs. Reading that made me wonder if your dd has a slow processing speed? Try to take a deep breath and give her time to process what you say. Say her name wait for acknowledgment then speak, pause for a couple seconds even after she says “what?”. My whole family is autistic and a couple of us will say what because we haven’t yet processed what was said.

you are also allowed to be stressed out. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Set one small goal of your house- like get a new rug for the living room, or new bedsheets, or organising the kitchen cupboards. Something small and easily achieved so you can feel a sense of accomplishment and home feels a bit more like home.

I'm in the same situation, OP. Perimenopausal with an autistic 10 year old. I agree that it's a good idea to get yourself on HRT. The rage and short temper that comes with perimenopause generally isn't useful when parenting an autistic child. They generally require a calm and measured approach. I realised I needed help when I threw the remote at the wall. HRT hasn't eliminated the mood swings completely but it has massively reduced them and made them easier to manage.

Oh and find some activities that you can take her to where you can meet other parents in the same situation. There can be difficult to find, but they do exist. These can be a lifeline.

Your feelings are valid and well within the possible normal range of emotions experienced by SEND parents.

Make sure you’re getting DLA. Can you afford to give up work and go on Carer’s Allowance? I know it is shit money, but sometimes it helps buy some sanity and breathing space.

You need some help, and some good strategies. “Now and Next” are good strategies. “Now you need to listen to me, and next it will be your turn to talk”. Allow her processing time to take in what you have said. Has anyone given you advice re the PECS visual system?
Call your local SENDIAS for support, as well as local autism support.

Oh if only the OP had thought of that...

I agree you need to put your foot down about HRT. You shouldn’t have to but it sounds as though you’ll have to. Can you see another GP?

You don’t need to explain yourself OP, just focus on the supportive responses. This poster can make her own thread if she needs support.

It sounds really hard and I can understand why you’re struggling.

🙄

I don't have much advice to offer but don't be too hard on yourself, you're not a bad mum, you're having a really tough time.

You're entitled to try HRT. You don't need to explain you'd like to try it.

The NICE guidelines state women be treated based on symptoms. The tests are nonsense - worthless.

Your life sounds hard. It's understandable you feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

You need to think of little things you can do daily to make life better/nicer/easier and then think of bigger things medium term.

I hear you!
daughter is now nearly 13 and it’s much much better, not great but much better, was feeling very much like you last year, still do at times, hoping some parenting asd support groups, do something just for you that takes you out the house if you can, take some time off work if it’ll help, it’s really hard but days will get better

Does it sound like she's in a position to relax and have fun? Obviously just out to be unkind.

Can you do a timetable, printed or written that she can follow? Obviously with encouragement from you aswell? I've had the accusations that I was shouting, when I'd repeated myself multiple times without an answer. I'm trying to get a bit tougher, but still keep it light of that makes sense. Solidarity!

I think I’d try again with the GP. Just because it’s ’part of being a woman’ doesn’t mean there is nothing that can help. Perhaps you could ask to see another (female) GP and explain you’d like to consider HRT. I don’t think you have to prove it with hormone levels.
Not saying it’s not still tough but it might help
just enough to get you through this a bit easier.

I'm kinda in the same boat. Got a disabled child and struggle with hormones. Life sometimes gets the better of me. Evening primrose oil has been a god send! It really helps with my mood swings. I take 2000mg daily. It does take a few weeks to start taking affect. I also take kalms when I feel overwhelmed and going for a walk is so good for mental health if you can get out.

What the absolute fucking nonsense are these posts on here? Telling OP to chill out and then playing the my problem is bigger than yours game.

OP- the fact you apologised to that stupid bloody comment that you chill out and say you're feeling sensitive. This is telling me alot. It tells me you're a people pleaser who probably gets taken advantage of, that your own needs come after everyone else.

I don't care if it's your child here but you need a break from her and you need to put you first!

It's like sucking every breath from you sometimes when raising a child with needs like this. You can love, protect, do everything you can for them but also accept this truth. You're even having your reality turned upside down by your child telling you you're shouting. You are shouting for good reason. My autistic teen does this stuff all the time and I really struggle with the very different experiences of reality we both have side by side sometimes.

Holiday club, after school club, Local Authority schemes for SEN kids. I used alot of them and they were great.

You are not the problem at all. You need some joy, some fun, some time alone and space and breaks regularly. I'd do everything to get that.

Blood tests cannot help as they don't know your 'normal' level for comparison. At least that's what my doctor told me. She had a list of symptoms and was happy for me to try a low dose of HRT.

Gosh, that all sounds hard! Don't be fobbed off with explanations that it is all down to perimenopause. That is probably not helping but you obviously have challenges and maybe there are ways to help improve some things.

With your DD, as a PP suggested, can you try eg through National Autism Society, to find support with/other ways of responding to her that might help improve the current situation?

My DH also has an autoimmune condition which makes him.very tired after work. However, the right medication/dose can make a big difference. I don't know how it works with your DH, but has he had a review recently to see if his treatment can be improved/fine-tuned?

Re your house, can you identify exactly what you don't like about it and things, even small things, iiiiìiìii you could do to address these? Are there positive things you could do which might overcome some of the practical.issues you might have with it?

If you hate your job, can you apply for others or else have some sort of plan to undertake study which would allow you apply for different things?

You definitely need time for yourself too so try to shoehorn that in. My autistic daughter picks up on and is affected by stress/negative vibes in the house and I imagine yours might be similar. If you can take time out regularly, even for a short walk in green space, you will start feeling better and hopefully your DD will respond to this.

Did you get any help? I was like this and got HRT which changed my life within 2 weeks.