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Original poster

Exh new GF

157 replies

Sortitout81 · 09/06/2025 22:25

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 11/06/2025 07:04

I’ve experienced similar with my three op and exh was quite happy to centre the gf’s pov. In the end, because he didn’t like being ‘told off’ (ie the kids asking me to talk to him because they didn’t feel able to raise it with him) he decided to just stop seeing them. Men like this would rather cut off their own kids than do a bit of self reflection and admit they are wrong. Sorry op. It sucks. I’d be suggesting neutral space/no gf going forwards, if that’s what the girls want.

ButterCrackers · 11/06/2025 06:41

Spirallingdownwards · 10/06/2025 23:58

Whilst I agree with everyone that what the gf did was vile I am afraid you actually legally can't dictate what he does and who he has at his property whilst the girls are there and therefore even if he agrees and then doesn't follow through and she is there then it is unlikely any court would insist that his partner he lives with has to leave the property while they have contact

I would hope, however, that he sees that what she (and subsequently he) did is totally out of order and they need to make it up to the girls.

Edited

An abuser and an enabler is a different matter.

ButterCrackers · 11/06/2025 06:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 23:43

11, 9 and 8 year olds who love their dad don't want to be stopped entirely from seeing their father - that's much more traumatic than dealing with the gfs nonsense while being there.

Everyone here needs to calm down you included. If this is how things escalate I can see why the relationship didn't work and I don't expect the new gf will last very long either.

The dad and gf are totally in the wrong but parents get things wrong, Your reaction is very dramatic and you may well make your children think you're no longer their safe place to talk to about things like this as they'll worry you'll take their dad away from them.

Gf is ignorant and annoying but she's not a safeguarding risk or abusive therefore you shouldn't have unilaterally stopped your children seeing their dad for the foreseeable that's a power play that won't look good if he takes you to court.

Actively preventing a disabled child from having their required living arrangements needs complaining about. If taken to court the gf and dad will be seen as abusers.

Tofana · 11/06/2025 02:40

To deny a deaf person (esp a child) subtitles is unbelievably cruel.
What a massive bastard she is. Poor DD. My own DC has a disability and I’d like to think I’d have handled it as calmly as you but I’m not sure I would have. Well done.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/06/2025 01:08

@Sortitout81 isnt just saying "you arent seeing the kids anymore!". She has offered alternative arrangements to make her children feel happy to see their father.

This isnt just "I dont like Daddys GF", we are talking about a woman actively refusing a disabled child the thing she needs to live as normal a life as she can. That isnt just GF being a bitch, that is abusive. Imagine that the DD with deafness wasnt deaf but a wheelchair user and the GF refused to allow her to use the chair in the house. That is what she is doing.

Ex enabling that is therefore also abusive and that would be the line I would be taking if I was the OP.

Spirallingdownwards · 10/06/2025 23:58

Whilst I agree with everyone that what the gf did was vile I am afraid you actually legally can't dictate what he does and who he has at his property whilst the girls are there and therefore even if he agrees and then doesn't follow through and she is there then it is unlikely any court would insist that his partner he lives with has to leave the property while they have contact

I would hope, however, that he sees that what she (and subsequently he) did is totally out of order and they need to make it up to the girls.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 23:46

Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 10:20

Thank you all for your support.
He contacted me this morning - apologised but then took it back, still maintaining that our daughter does well without subtitles and his gf wasn't being "cruel or mean" but it came from a good place. I asked him if he asked what M wanted, he said "well no, but she didn't argue back" of course she didn't she was probably frightened.
My youngest daughter and M don't want to go to daddy's house anymore because of her, they both said this in the car on the way home. My eldest hasn't said anything, but I will ask her this evening.
I still have a good relationship with my ex MIL and unfortunately contact wouldn't be able to take part at her house due to her moving back to Devon a few years back.

I don't want to stop contact if the girls want to see daddy, and our relationship was good so I would feel safe having him in my home to facilitate contact, I said this to him that would be the only way that he would see the girls as his gf lives at his house. He kinda refused this as he said his gf wouldn't like him spending time in the family home (it's not it's my home, he's never lived here, we sold ours when we divorced) but he would get back to me on this.

We both agreed that we can avoid court at the moment, but I said I do not want that woman around my children which he said nothing back.
He asked to speak to the girls this evening when home from school and I said I would ask them if they wanted to talk to him, he become a little bit angry at this saying "why what have you said to them" which I replied "nothing, but there last memories of the weekend are of you bundling them out the house" again he went quiet.

So we are at a stalemate at the moment I think, unless we do a neutral place, which would work but my daughter struggles with very noisy places, and loses concentration. He knows this, my home is the only place unless we use my brothers home which is a 20 minutes drive from me but he has his own family so It would be alot to ask and both my parents passed over 7 years ago.

Thank you again

Sounds like you're doing your best to move this forward

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 23:43

11, 9 and 8 year olds who love their dad don't want to be stopped entirely from seeing their father - that's much more traumatic than dealing with the gfs nonsense while being there.

Everyone here needs to calm down you included. If this is how things escalate I can see why the relationship didn't work and I don't expect the new gf will last very long either.

The dad and gf are totally in the wrong but parents get things wrong, Your reaction is very dramatic and you may well make your children think you're no longer their safe place to talk to about things like this as they'll worry you'll take their dad away from them.

Gf is ignorant and annoying but she's not a safeguarding risk or abusive therefore you shouldn't have unilaterally stopped your children seeing their dad for the foreseeable that's a power play that won't look good if he takes you to court.

Flyswats · 10/06/2025 21:11

I think you're handling everything very well indeed.

Original poster
Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 20:21

@jeaux90 no it's not ruled out, it's all so new at the moment I'm due to meet him tomorrow so I'll see how that goes in person.

He's never stopped me going abroad with my children, I met someone last year in January 24 and children met him in September 24, we went to Norway for new year eve (with his children) and my ex was fine, unfortunately we spilt due to him moving back to Norway in march. There is no romantic feelings on both sides both fully moved on.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2025 20:10

Well for two reasons I cant help thinking that this GF may not be around for long.

One is that if he has previously had a good relationship with you, then all this drama may be opening his eyes to what a nightmare she is.

Two, if he has been a good father who is close to them then I hope he wouldnt put them second to this cow.

However.....there another issue which means he may put the kids second.......she has sex with him and a certain kind of man will rarely think further than the next shag.

Calling · 10/06/2025 20:03

It is not for your ex to decree that your daughter 'does well without subtitles'. He should respect her special needs first and foremost. That your ex's gf turned them off is shocking and a huge warning, as is his compliance with the gf's bullying of a disabled child.
I wonder whether the gf engineered this whole situation with all the dc being upset. She sounds very manipulative.

jeaux90 · 10/06/2025 20:00

Don’t rule out getting a CAO in place OP but wait and see how much of a pain things become first. I assume he wouldn’t stop you taking the girls on holiday out the country or anything like that? But you never know how people change with a new partner on the scene.

Original poster
Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 19:52

@Rootheroo like I said I do want to take this to court, I do not think he would anyway. We had a good marriage and a good co-parenting relationship until recently.
I hope and believe we can sort this out ourselves. His mother and I still have a good relationship and he is extremely close to her and even she believes he was in the wrong which I believe has lead to his apology and going along with what is needed at the moment. Obviously I'm not going to detail every word of our conversation.

All 3 girls spoke to him, conversation lasted no more than 5 minutes, my eldest (D) said to him "dad your gf is strange, kick her to the curb" I heard her say this.

Good on you for not stopping contact at his house.
My daughter has a disability, she was made to feel bad about her disability in her father's home by pretty much a stranger - therefore I will not let her be in that home while that stranger is there and make her feel bad about herself anymore.

OP posts:
Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 19:30

Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 19:26

@Rootheroo every other weekend Friday from 5.30 pick up to Sunday 5.30 due to distance mid week would not work.
He is in Chelmsford and I'm in west London (Brentford)
So he has every half term, 3 weeks in summer holidays and 1 week at Easter and 4 days over Christmas.

And on the basis of one incident where his GF shouted and swore, you think a court would stop a father having his children in his home with her present?

lets presume she doesn’t have a any criminal record, the court would be… and? Yes it was a very poor showing on her part but I’m not going to refuse contact between a father and his children in his own home if this GF is present

Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 19:27

my head up and say I gave HIM not the chance and my girls are old enough to state wishes.

snd they said yes they want to see dad again (obviously!) but “maybe” without the GF.

doesn’t sound like a…. I never ever went to go back to dad’s every again if hisGFis there

Original poster
Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 19:26

@Rootheroo every other weekend Friday from 5.30 pick up to Sunday 5.30 due to distance mid week would not work.
He is in Chelmsford and I'm in west London (Brentford)
So he has every half term, 3 weeks in summer holidays and 1 week at Easter and 4 days over Christmas.

OP posts:
Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 19:25

Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 19:22

@Rootheroo as pp have quoted and advice I got from a old friend who's mother was a solicitor earlier today. If I stopped contact based on this and did not suggest an alternative and their wishes I could be seen as the "bad guy"
I do not want to do this and be that person. If he decides not to show up, thats on him but at least I can hold my head up and say I gave HIM not the chance and my girls are old enough to state wishes. I cannot deny them that. So please no to WTAF when the law would not be 100 on my side

And he is well within his rights to refuse your “offer” and show up and stick to the arrangements. He could say his GF will be out. Or his GF is going to apologise and make an excuse for her along the lines of a headache or PMT. And no court in the land would say that on the basis of one incident as described he can only see his children away from his home either at yours or out

How often does he have them usually?

Original poster
Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 19:22

@Rootheroo as pp have quoted and advice I got from a old friend who's mother was a solicitor earlier today. If I stopped contact based on this and did not suggest an alternative and their wishes I could be seen as the "bad guy"
I do not want to do this and be that person. If he decides not to show up, thats on him but at least I can hold my head up and say I gave HIM not the chance and my girls are old enough to state wishes. I cannot deny them that. So please no to WTAF when the law would not be 100 on my side

OP posts:
Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 18:51

How often does he usually have them op?

Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 18:50

I asked all 3 if they wanted to see dad again as usual

WTAF

Original poster
Sortitout81 · 10/06/2025 18:43

Update
All girls want to speak with dad tonight, he usually calls at 7.30 when all are settled down, so a call as usual will go ahead.
I asked all 3 if they wanted to see dad again as usual, they all said yes but maybe not with the gf my eldest said "she was alright to start with but she's weird" I asked her weird how she said "she doesn't really talk to us alot and goes out alot with her friends, only see her on the Sunday"
I might wrong but maybe she goes out on a Saturday night drinking and had a hangover leading to her outburst (not defending her, but it would make sense) I asked my eldest if she's shouted like that before and she said "no she's not really about on a Saturday, we only really see her on a Sunday"

I've only ever asked if the girls have had a nice time at dads when they have come home, never probed them so I never knew this info.

I texted him earlier saying the girls wanted a call and I don't work on Wednesday's so I'm happy to have a chat with him face to face tomorrow (he's currently working from home) so after I do school drop off I'll meet him halfway.

I suggest contact at my home for the considerable future and see what he says tomorrow.

I couldn't give a flying monkeys what his gf thinks.

OP posts:
GiveDogBone · 10/06/2025 18:39

This reply has been deleted

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Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 18:24

It’s incredible how easily he has bent to this op
essentially agreeing to never having his children on his home with his live in GF is there.

maybe he knows that the GF is a shit around his children

odd it does not seem to occur to him to put his children first and end the relationship so he can actually see his children in his own home!

Rootheroo · 10/06/2025 18:19

What is the split usually?

, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

this sounded reasonable