Exh new GF

Unless we have more info this is a one off incident. As upsetting and unjustifiable it is no court in the land will take it on board or label it as abuse.

I agree the situation is out of hand but there are some very hysterical answers on here. OP cannot withold contact, nor can she dictate the gf is not allowed around the children when they are in their father's care. If they are at their dad's and he is out then there's nothing even to forbid him appointing her as the babysitter and them being alone with her. I understand that's outrageous but it is how it is.

It sounds as though ExDH is complying in this instance so long may that continue, and that he sees that his DDs needs come first going forward. But please don't fool yourself that you can enforce any of that - that is where a lot of people end up in a frightening situation re custody battles. And you will have to play somewhat nice also to maintain a civil relationship. Unless of course you get some sort of legal injunction which, based on one isolated incident of she said/they said, is unlikely.

I'd track any and all further incidences however. I understand why you feel the way you do. Best of luck OP.

For me op, it’s all about your husband

what he said
how he behaved

The ex is a no one in the children’s lives when it really comes down to it.

Your ex however is their father and he proved himself to be as limp as a lettuce and cruel

Yes but her thinking you’re unreasonable meant she actually thought your sensible decision to give him an alternative was “unreasonable”

ie her grandchildren should be allowed back to their fathers as normal

I don't understand your husband's explanation that his girlfriend wanted to give your daughter confidence in not watching with subtitles. Why would she want to do that and why on earth does she think that her has the authority or expertise to do that? Watching TV should be an enjoyable and relaxing experience, not a teaching moment by someone who is absolutely not equipped or trained to do that.

I would be so angry at your husband's defence of his girlfriend's actions. She sounds like an unbearable know-it-all with no empathy who is trying to impress your ex-husband by exploiting your daughter's disability in her attempt to show him that she knows more about how to parent a deaf child than her own mother does.

It sounds like your ex is easily led and influenced by a younger woman who likely has little experience of children, let alone children with additional needs. You handled this perfectly though so hopefully she is suitably shamed in to behaving herself and he now understands that he risks losing a positive relationship with his children if he doesn’t put them first.

and from how she's treated her GD she doesn't seem to keen to do so,

but she rang you to tell you that she thought you “were being unreasonable”?

😕

You phrased that so much better than I would have.

I am starting a BSL online course in September, as I worry that my hearing is slowly getting worse so at least I can communicate to others and not have to rely on lipreading all the time which I find extremely draining mentally.

As a fellow deaf person, your ex is being an absolute arsehole. I am not completely deaf but I still need subtitles on, and I try and lipread as much as possible.

I would have done the same as you have done. He will have done so much damage to his relationships with his daughters with this that can never really be undone. They have seen him for what he truly is.

11, 9 and 8 year olds who love their dad don't want to be stopped entirely from seeing their father - that's much more traumatic than dealing with the gfs nonsense while being there.

Not necessarily. My DC found that making the decision not to see their Dad less traumatic than him constantly choosing their SM over them.

I feel sad for your girls.

I don’t have hearing issues and I watch tv with subtitles (and often have a little laugh at the words on screen compared to what’s actually been said).

His girlfriend sounds like a nutcase why on earth would subtitles bother her that much especially knowing your daughter is hard of hearing. I would of reacted worse than you.

Your exs priority should be his children so it's on him what he does about this. You've done all you can.

so if the girls go to Devon to stay with their granny for the first two weeks of the school holidays, presumably the gf won't be there? or will she turn up one of the weekends? or will he go back to London to see her, and leave his daughters behind? Glad you have a good relationship with your ex MIL, and it sounds like she will not allow any bullying behaviour or subtitle-deprivation under her roof.

Oh gosh OP, what a horrible situation for you and your poor dds. It's baffling to me why a grown adult wouldn't make all the accommodations in the world for someone struggling with anything, let alone a little girl - and with something so simple!

But I don't think you can stop the contact, or dictate where it is or who is present I'm afraid. I mean, in the short term perhaps you can but it won't be looked on favourably if it continues. You also can't demand to meet her if she refuses. I don't want to just be negative, I totally understand why you feel rightfully justified - but I really think you'll be in a sticky situation if he wants to fight it. Do you think he will?

@Sortitout81 wow!! speaking as someone who is deaf and probably has the same percentage of hearing in the one ear as your daughter, that is a shitty thing for his girlfriend to do to a child, or anyone for that matter!! I have relied on subtitles for years and when if i watch something which doesnt have subtitles then the tv in my kitchen is blaring so loudly that the neighbours on the opposite side of the street can hear it!! if you go to court, make sure you stress the subtitles requirement on the tv for her deafness. no one on this planet could possible find her actions reasonable!! as for your daughter struggling in noisy busy places, that is very true. if there is too much background noise, a deaf person ends up hearing nothing at all. I can vouch for that.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum the GF was abusive. She abused a young child with a disability.
@Sortitout81 took action to protect her child and her siblings, has been proactive in trying to sort it out having spoken to her children about what they want.
Good luck with your meeting @Sortitout81 . Hope your ex is willing to acknowledge the GFs behaviour was unacceptable and wrong.

You said that your ex mother in law said you were unreasonable but then that she had told your ex husband he was in the wrong. So I assume her view was that the girlfriend shouldn’t have blocked the subtitles and shouted but you shouldn’t stop the girls going back to the house? If she has his ear can she press harder on the girlfriend point?