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Original poster

Cry it out - AIBU

110 replies

Chunkychips23 · 09/06/2025 21:04

(posting here for traffic and to get a general consensus on what approaches others have taken)

DH is desperate to do cry it out with our 18 month old, but I don’t feel that it’s the best approach - I have no judgement on those who’ve done it, I just don’t think it’s the right approach for our toddler. DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep at night, but sleeps through until morning.

Bit of background: I’ve recently had a baby and due to having a rough delivery and PPH, DH took over toddler care for the first week whilst I recovered. He completely changed DC’s routine, from nap times to meal times. As DH has the inability to literally just sit and exist, DC has been out on adventures all day everyday. Add all that to a new sibling, I feel that’s completely thrown him. Prior to this, DC went down to sleep with a cuddle and was happy to be placed in his cot and would drop off to sleep. He now also cry’s when someone leaves the room, which he never used to do. Again, DH is getting annoyed with this.

DH is getting incredibly frustrated that DC isn’t falling asleep independently anymore and needs someone to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. I personally think he just needs more time to adjust to all the changes that have happened as it’s only been a couple of weeks. DH won’t hear it and thinks DC is doing it on purpose and trying to manipulate. The last time he tried cry it out, DC got so upset he projectile vomited and I stepped in, much to DH’s annoyance. He tried to do it again tonight and DC got very distressed, not ‘faking it’ as DH claims. Again, I stepped in and got DC to sleep.

Yes it is frustrating and DC is attention seeking, but he’s a toddler. He has very little emotional regulation and I think DH is being impatient and expecting too much for DC to just ‘get with the program’ after big changes. He’s roped his mother in to try and push me into leaving DC to cry until he falls asleep, so I’ve got both of them going on at me.

I think he just needs more time to adjust and I’m going to speak to the HV for some advice.

Am I being unreasonable by derailing his sleep training?

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 09/06/2025 21:12

Chunkychips23 · 09/06/2025 21:04

(posting here for traffic and to get a general consensus on what approaches others have taken)

DH is desperate to do cry it out with our 18 month old, but I don’t feel that it’s the best approach - I have no judgement on those who’ve done it, I just don’t think it’s the right approach for our toddler. DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep at night, but sleeps through until morning.

Bit of background: I’ve recently had a baby and due to having a rough delivery and PPH, DH took over toddler care for the first week whilst I recovered. He completely changed DC’s routine, from nap times to meal times. As DH has the inability to literally just sit and exist, DC has been out on adventures all day everyday. Add all that to a new sibling, I feel that’s completely thrown him. Prior to this, DC went down to sleep with a cuddle and was happy to be placed in his cot and would drop off to sleep. He now also cry’s when someone leaves the room, which he never used to do. Again, DH is getting annoyed with this.

DH is getting incredibly frustrated that DC isn’t falling asleep independently anymore and needs someone to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. I personally think he just needs more time to adjust to all the changes that have happened as it’s only been a couple of weeks. DH won’t hear it and thinks DC is doing it on purpose and trying to manipulate. The last time he tried cry it out, DC got so upset he projectile vomited and I stepped in, much to DH’s annoyance. He tried to do it again tonight and DC got very distressed, not ‘faking it’ as DH claims. Again, I stepped in and got DC to sleep.

Yes it is frustrating and DC is attention seeking, but he’s a toddler. He has very little emotional regulation and I think DH is being impatient and expecting too much for DC to just ‘get with the program’ after big changes. He’s roped his mother in to try and push me into leaving DC to cry until he falls asleep, so I’ve got both of them going on at me.

I think he just needs more time to adjust and I’m going to speak to the HV for some advice.

Am I being unreasonable by derailing his sleep training?

Why would you have a second child with a man who resents a toddler this much?

user101101 · 09/06/2025 21:12

You have a baby. It’s normal for you to not get much sleep even for 2 years. I’ve heard couples who tried it and it worked until the next sleep regression. I tried it for 10 mins and it broke my heart. And just coslept after that. They do sleep eventually

TeddyBeans · 09/06/2025 21:12

Cry it out is cruel. Controlled crying is completely different and absolutely worth a crack. When they start crying, go immediately, resettle and say goodnight. When they start again, leave them a minute then go back in, resettle etc. then two minutes, then three, then four etc until they settle themselves to sleep.

Had to do it with DS when he was 2.5/3ish and the first night he stopped after we got to the 7 minute wait, the second night was 4 minutes and then he was good as gold again and still sleeps like a dream now aged 7.

Lmnop22 · 09/06/2025 21:11

I sleep trained my DS when he was 6 months old using the cry it out method but never just let him cry until he was sick! It was always leave for 10 minutes but be outside the door and then go in and pat/shush/reassure if still crying and repeat. Within 2/3 days he would just roll over and go to sleep on his own or chat away to himself for a bit then roll over.

I would try and come up with a gentler way to get him back into the routine of getting off to sleep than cold turkey nobody responding at all to his hysterical crying!

AlertCat · 09/06/2025 21:11

CIO is cruel. There are much better ways.

I used the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and found it really effective.

KateWithTheGoodHair · 09/06/2025 21:10

Yeah definitely don’t cry it out! None of this is forever I promise. I know it’s frustrating when you’re both tired and want a quick bedtime. He’ll sleep on his own again eventually. Mine were exactly the same and now late teens and I look back on those toddler years and so glad it was me who ‘suffered’ and not them (if you know what I mean! Suffered with the long bed times!). Lovely memories looking back.

tangobravo · 09/06/2025 21:10

Personally I'd cancel the bloody sleep training and follow your gut - he needs more reassurance now!! Dependence breeds independence with infant sleep, he needs to know you'll (both!!) respond to him. Your DH sounds a bit cold tbh.

Barnbrack · 09/06/2025 21:10

TheatreTraveller · 09/06/2025 21:07

An 18-mth old being accused of attention seeking and left to cry until he was so distressed he was sick. I honestly can't get my head round anyone treating a tiny child like that. He needs more reassurance not less.

Yep this

Tiswa · 09/06/2025 21:09

He sounds awful and can’t parent an 18 month old like that

TheatreTraveller · 09/06/2025 21:07

An 18-mth old being accused of attention seeking and left to cry until he was so distressed he was sick. I honestly can't get my head round anyone treating a tiny child like that. He needs more reassurance not less.