Cry it out - AIBU

If my husband left our toddler to cry until he was physically sick, and then accused him of being manipulative, I’d leave him. I’m not exaggerating. I could never be in an intimate relationship with someone who was so callous.

I’d usually say each to their own but in these circumstances please don’t use CIO! Your poor toddler is desperate for attention having just had their life turned upside down. Also they sleep through the night already so you’ve got it pretty good! They already know how to sleep, you don’t need to teach them that.

Suppose that's ok when you don't have other kids to deal with. If I spent half hour every night laying with DS then that's half hour less I could be spending with his sisters

If id had been lying next to DD2 then DD1 would be running riot

Lying next to DD1 then I'm not sure who would be looking after DD2

I think what your DH needs to do is decide what it is that annoys him so much about it and come up with a ‘fix’
Is it because he wants to start his evening sooner? Chill out sooner? If so, why can’t he lie next to your toddler with earphones listening to a podcast or audiobook and see it as a bit of chill time for himself as well? Me and ExH used to quite enjoy this little bit of ‘down time’ either lying there thinking about and/or processing the day, reading threads on MN or whatever.

I must admit, I was so used to lying by him until he fell asleep that I kept doing it and exH told me one week “I don’t lie down by him anymore, you can just tuck him in and kiss him good night and carry on with your evening”
And I was like “wait; what? Seriously?” First time I tried it, it worked. He was gone three by then and I felt like a right wally. Imagined him lying there thinking “I dunno why you’re here mummy but whatever makes you happy I guess” 😂

If my dp was happy to leave out toddler to cry until they were sick out of distress, I'd be really worried about whether there was a problem his him bonding.

Of course you can't let him do that, it's unsafe if the toddler chokes and emotionally harmful.

It sounds like he could do with a better understanding of child development. An 18 month old is crying to "be manipulative".

18 months is a classic time for a sleep regression and clinginess, even without a new routine and new baby sibling.

I’m totally fine with sleep training in general. However CIO is all wrong for an 18 month old, they will not get exhausted and go to sleep quickly as a much younger baby might do, they will cry for hours.

I would suggest settling DS for a few weeks, it might be a phase he will snap out of. If not, then some gradual retreat and explain every step.

Horses for courses I guess. I didn’t really mind lying next to him for half an hour fucking about on my phone while waiting for him to fall asleep 😂

Maybe for a short period. But a damn sight quicker than spending the next however many years laying beside a kid until they fall asleep

Could you breast feed your baby and hold your toddlers hand or talk/sing to him and then gradually retreat from
the room?

Sleep training is cruel and teaches them not to need you. After having a new sibling and his Dad changing his routine, this seems cruel. He won't know what he's done to deserve it. Sounds like he was a good sleeper. It's actually very normal for babies that age to still wake in the night so he is doing well.

How can you let him do that to your child? He cried so much that he vomited? Project your child. I couldn't give a fck about your husband. Why are his feelings more important than an 18 month old? No or child is not doing anything for attention. He is a baby, he is expressing his need.

Your husband needs more patience and he needs to come up with his own way to get him to sleep. And you need to protect your child from this. He probably misses you. I'm assuming you put him to sleep before the new baby came? Everything they do comes and goes, he is just adjusting and needs extra support at the moment, not less. Put your foot down on this.

An 18m old faking it? Being left to cry so long that they vomit?

That’s a bloody joke. Your husband is a wanker and although I’m not sure how recently you had this new baby, you’re not much better for letting this cry it out happen more than once. Your priority is your child(ren), not appeasing the cruel excuse for a father they have.

Clearly you understand exactly what your toddler’s issues are, and all of them are totally expected given the new baby etc. So stand up for him and put an end to this for now.

You never let him cry till he was sick? Oh my god. I feel so fucking sad for that baby.

I have nothing against cry based sleep training and think that controlled crying (although never cry it out) can be quite effective under the right set of circumstances but an 18MO with a new sibling absolutely isn’t it. He needs lots of love and gentle reassurance. Your DH is expecting far too much from such a young child and needs some lessons in empathy and child development.

Your DH need some empathy and lessons in child development.

18 months old, new baby, different routine, different primary care giver. No wonder your DC is seeking more connection at bedtime.

Being a parent is hard and incredibly frustrating sometimes. As the adults we are the ones who have to deal with that as we are the emotionally more mature ones after all! Your DH is trying to remove his discomfort by pushing the discomfort onto your DC.

Fair enough if he decides to make gradual changes to the routine to help LO be more settled but that is not cry it out.

Your toddlers world has completely changed. Crying it out in these circumstances is cruel.
I couldn’t watch that happen either.
I did properly sleep train my DC1, who took to it very quickly. My DC2 didn’t and I stopped; but they were sleeping through in their own room at 6 months. They all regress when unwell or their routine changes. They need cuddles and reassurance not being left alone to cry. That’s horrible. The pressure you’re getting to continue this must feel awful for you too.

Hi, another mum of 18 month old here!

My baby has never slept through. Also has had no routine disruptions such as different caregiver or new baby.

Since hitting just over 17 months old sleep has gone to absolute shit worse than ever. Used to go to sleep really well (staying asleep more of the problem), now is taking 2 hours plus to go down. Huge separation anxiety but from both parents (so basically is never happy 😅), has started refusing most food except berries and snacks.

And you know what? All my parent friends from baby groups with babies same age are going through the exact same! It's developmental, and tbh sleep training isn't likely to work because of it. It only works if there isn't a 'reason' for the sleep issues. Developmental leaps, teething, illnesses etc all trump even the best sleeper.

Agree and it was! But as a single mum in COVID lockdowns at the time, I needed the evenings to catch up on housework and have some much deserved time to myself 😁

What @TheatreTraveller said.

I couldn’t hear my child cry for me and ignore it. My two were/are awful sleepers but I don’t regret all the time spent cuddling them while they fell asleep.

Don’t be bullied. Sounds like MIL is projecting her guilt onto you & DH. He is buying it. Stand up to them.

I would never do cry it out because I absolutely don't agree with it, but no way in hell should he be doing that while you have a brand new baby as well! Your poor toddler has had a massive change and now your husband is leaving him to cry, he must feel so rejected.

I’m glad this worked for you and I’m not against it, it sounds like more work than just lying with them until they’re asleep 😂

Personally, I would get your DH to look after the baby, and spend time with the toddler. The toddler has been used to having your full attention, and now a new baby has come sling and his world has changed.
Help him to adjust to the new world, baby won’t care that your attention isn’t on them.

Your DH is a knob. And 18 month old has NO idea how to manipulate. I’m sure that ‘skill’ doesn’t come in until they’re about 3. I’m totally with you on this OP. He needs more reassurance, not less.

FWIW, my now 7yo DS is an excellent sleeper and I did all the ‘wrong’ things. Breastfed him to sleep when he was a baby, co-slept until he was nearly 3 and carried on lying by his bed until he fell asleep for a while after that. He has no problem getting to sleep on his own, is a very independent and resilient kid. No way would I have let him cry it out at any age