Cry it out - AIBU

That’s pretty normal for small children- and he’s really only a baby himself still- to be clingier and more demanding when a big change happens. Nothing bigger at that age than a new baby! You can’t fix what isn’t there. It is frustrating when everyone is knackered and you just want him to go to sleep but your husband has got to calm the fuck down and not turn bedtime into a battle ground. Basically he needs to do what you say here. IMO you’re in the right.

Wow your DH really needs to get a grip. Some kids can't be sleep trained at the best of times, and this is absolutely the worst of times as you know - his whole world has been turned upside down. If DH was a reassuring presence even if DC1 did take ages to go to sleep he'd start to get better over time as he realises things are OK. What your DH is doing is absolutely making it worse. When my DC were 2y and 2w I used to snuggle in bed with DC1 with DC2 attached to the boob. It made DC1 feel that she wasn't being displaced. If it were me even though it's a pain I'd do that for two or three weeks whilst DC1 gets used to things, then gradually retreat out over the next couple of weeks (sit by cot holding hand, sit outside door etc). I would remove DH from the process in the short term and ask him to do something else useful instead eg cleaning, making dinner etc.

This has all occurred after our newborns arrival and DH changing his long established routine, that was working

Sorry, may have missed this also, why has his routine changed? It’s important to keep the same to avoid these issues.

That is because (as I'm sure you know) those are not the 'wrong things' at all.

In fact, how you did it, is how the majority of the world does it. It is generally a western/anglo thing to expect very young children to sleep on their own. An invention of Victorian households after richer families began to have multiple bedrooms.

For most of history, and still in most cultures, children are not forced to cry and be by themselves at such a young age. They all grow up fine, as you found.

DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep
Probably needs a later bedtime! Has he dropped his nap?

YANBU your husband is an idiot. And probably didn’t help by changing the toddler’s routine at this time as other things have also changed for him.

My eldest went through a few phases when she was tiny of needing company to sleep. So I’d plonk myself down in her room with her until she went to sleep. We didn’t speak she just needed to know she wasn’t on her own. I’d move further away from her each night. If went well. My second child… I sat with him until he went to sleep every single night until he was 11. He has autism and it was the only thing that worked. I have no regrets. It was actually kind of nice. In the dark, in silence waiting for him to start snoring, scrolling through my phone.

You really should have had this nailed, incl CIO if necessary, prior to the new arrival. At 18mo, 45-60mins is taking the piss somewhat, but it’s too difficult to address at the moment due to upheaval of new arrival so you need to suck it up basically until the dust settles.

OP, so your MIL is a fair bit older than me, and from what I can remember the points she’s arguing do reflect parenting of the 70s-80s - much of which has long been shown to be unsafe, particularly sleeping on the front. Is she not aware of Anne Diamond’s campaigning after her own child died? It sounds as though she has paid no attention to developments in childcare in the last forty years.

You’re going to need some support if she’s overbearing and he is listening to her not you.

If he listens to his DM on childcare and tries to overrule his own wife your marriage is in deep trouble.

So what did you do? And what would you have done had your older child been distressed?

I have 2 with a 3 yr age gap and eldest has a diagnosed sleep disorder. Bedtime for him has always been distressing for everyone really. When my daughter was a baby one of us would manage his bedtime and the other would have the baby and if need be I'd lie down with baby feeding on one side and my son tucked in my armpit on the other side. Even now at 7 and 3 bedtime is a fiasco requiring ideally 2 people. We adjust ourselves around that rather than have children suffering real distress because that's what you do when you have small children.

If my husband had reacted as ops husband is there firstly wouldn't have been a second child but secondly if he hadn't been an obvious neanderthal prior to second child and this was new we'd be splitting up. Noone is treating my children like that and having me condone it by continuing a relationship with them.

Honestly he can do it because he's a horrible person. There's no way this is the first time he's been cruel.

So many posts about husbands who think they know more than the child’s mother about sleep and what makes them feel safe. They all need to read a book on child development and stop treating babies and toddlers as if they are teenagers being unreasonable

Your poor 18 month old is just getting used to having a new sibling and a totally different routine with his Dad. Please don’t do cry it out - cuddle as much as is needed right now. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.

OP, I don’t know how old you are, but I’m probably closer to your MIL in age. I know no one of my generation who did what your DH is doing. He needs to stop now, and you might need help from an authoritative HV.

We did similar to this - just repeated putting back to bed and reassurance, but silent, following supernanny. It worked well after a couple of tough nights, but our DC did not get distressed - he was just jumping up and down and laughing in the cot because he had mirror wardrobe doors in that room and could see him through a hardly open door.

There is no way I would do what your DH is doing. And to be frank, I would tell him that if his mother does not butt out it will irreparably damage your relationship with her. My DH knew very well that if he’d recruited MIL into, in effect, bullying me over childcare the result would have been explosive.

No no no. This is just a phase, like almost everything else with toddlers. And the crying thing… mothers’ brains are hardwired to intervene when their child is in distress. It’s part of the secure attachment thing. Your DH can’t ask you to sit back and listen to the baby crying and getting sick. It is not natural.

I have a 21 month gap and found keeping the toddler routine and fitting the baby in around that worked best.

I’ve been in a similar position to you, I had my second baby when my first was 15 months old so have dealt with many sleep regressions between them. The most effective methods for me were following the Huckleberry nap schedules during the day and Co sleeping. Don’t let your toddler cry it out, it’s beyond cruel. And don’t let your husband make you doubt your instincts as their mother

Your husband is being a wanker

I love that ❤️ he was probably just happy that you were happy to be with him 🥰🥰

Cry it out is awful. Studies show that the cortisol in the mothers body decreased as time goes on and the baby cries less, but the stress hormones in the baby remain the same. They are still distressed, but have learned no one will come. Like that NSPCC commercial "miles has learned that bo matter how long he cries, no one will come".

And to do it to a toddler who has a new sibling seems particularly counter intuitive. They are anxious about being pushed out, so let's really drive it home and just leave them to cry.

Ditch the husband. Sounds like he is no help anyway.

Yes that is a very, very fair point. I realise I was (and still am) lucky in that regard

Your DH has accidentally assimilated some 1950s child rearing habits and it may be very difficult for you to detail his views but you are definitely right to stick to your guns. In an ideal world he would see the light and realize an 18 month old isn't quite that manipulative, but he almost inevitably will find it mind bending to switch his viewpoint.