Cry it out - AIBU

Your 'D' H sounds like an emotionally abusive idiot.Cry it out is emotional neglect and you actually sound like you have a sound understanding your son's emotional development needs in general, so I am suprised you are asking if CIO is unreasonable.Is your husband quite controlling towards you?
Google the research, show him, and put your foot down that you won't let him treat your son that way again.
If he really wants to sleep train there are plenty of methods which don't involve leaving a child alone to cry until they are so upset they throw up.
And the reason he is clingy at bedtime is probably emotional insecurity from the previous occasions....cry it out will cause that.

Don’t agree with cry it out at all. Just teaches children that when they’re upset/scared and need us the most, we won’t be there so they just learn to accept we aren’t coming

Maybe dh needs to go back and live with mil if they share the same ideas..
Neglecting your dc isn't in your moral compass...tell her she can feed her ds whatever she wants and he can have as much sleep as he wants there...

My parents did cry it out and I swear to god I remember it. I actually have some astonishingly early (albeit very brief) memories including things I couldn’t possibly have known any other way and I vividly remember being in my cot utterly petrified because nobody was coming; Wondering what had happened to mummy… Just evil.
OP, could his mum be encouraging him do you think?

God, this is awful. Your h has all the empathy of a brick. And your mil is no better.

Sounds like you were doing a great job. Your h should learn to listen to you.

I dream of a toddler who.sleeps through. My almost 2 year old still.wakes a few times in the night, at least 2 and up to 4 times.

If he needs someone with him atm to fall asleep but is sleeping through once he's down then seems like a reasonable adjustment for the little man, and just part and parcel of being a parent to very young children. Your DH needs to accept and embrace it.

Crying it out is hellish. I wouldn’t do it.

His whole world has been turned upside down with arrival of baby. If he's then feeling more abandoned at bedtime it is going to be very distressing. He is a toddler and needs validating and reassurance through the very understandable regression, which will be temporary if handled well.

Oh my God these fucking weak, intractable, heartless men. About the third thread this week I've read about 'fathers' who just can't be arsed with the inconvenience of loving their tiny children because it messes up their own preferences. I honestly just hate the lot of them sometimes. If they can't hack parenting they should just say so, fuck off and send money so the mums can just get on with raising the kids without the added work of managing these arseholes' callous, disruptive interventions. Aaaaaargh fuckemall 🤬

I wouldn't have had the 2 nd if the first had something wrong with them .

And what sacrifice are you on about?

It’s a quite a we’ll know fact that the cry out method does more harm than good to a child mentally.
please don’t let your child cry it, it breaks my heart

Yeah I do know that, I'm saying if you had a child who legitimately couldn't sleep you'd have to make that sacrifice. Because you can't make a child sleep. A child with seizures and a diagnosed sleep disorder and vomiting reflux can't be left to cry. And no amount of being left to cry leads to that child sleeping. You'd lie there and you wouldn't just lie for an hour you'd lie for 3 and you'd breastfeed your infant while calming a marauding 4 yr old. Because as well as not sleeping they'd scream and fight and disturb the neighbours.

Anyway that aside once you can't leave one child to cry you realize how they benefit from not being left to cry and you move your life around accordingly

Does DH stand for dickhead here?

Surely it’s to be expected that a toddler who can’t articulate having been displaced will need extra reassurance, not a whole new routine and distant parenting.

In fairness though we discussed approaches pre DC so we knew we were mostly on the same page and agreed on important stuff like this.

I'm not sure my 4 year old could be trusted to totally behave while id left her to lay with her sister. And definitely the 1 year old ( very mobile) couldn't be left unsupervised while I spent half hour laying with the eldest.

And even when number 3 joined the mix I would need to be helping with homework, collecting elder one from clubs etc . Spending half to an hour minimum every night laying on a bed cuts into the evening somewhat

But if they could get in bed themselves and go to sleep, could they not occupy themselves in any other way? Or when babies and toddlers all snuggle together? If you can leave them to try you can surely manage to juggle then

Because I had another 2 that needed attention. .

Why couldn't you spend half an hour with them?

I lie with both of them, read stories, sing, listen to audiobooks, move the smallest to her bed once they're asleep.

Lying with both of them? What seperately? What do you do with the other one then I while you are laying with the first?

I didn't say id left mine crying for hours merely I couldn't be spending half hour ( at least ) PER CHILD laying there till they went to sleep

I do (ironically) love it when parents in real life and online confidently assert that their methods "did no harm"!

Especially any comment MIL made about weaning (she was badgering me to give my child baby rice before he was even born). Didn't do your two any harm, no? That'd be the man I live with who'd have developed scurvy if left to himself?

I agree with this. I breastfeed but I’d feed the baby first and then hand him to my husband who has always got our second born off to sleep at night since a newborn even if it was just in his arms for the first part. 18 months on, the baby is still so demanding of my attention all day that it’s nice to lay next to my eldest and it just be the two of us again for a while and listen to him chat before he falls asleep, it’s an important time of the day for us.

In the early days I would then would go into my own bed usually to catch up on sleep and my husband would bring the baby in when it was time for the next feed. If I’m honest he does sound really cold with your toddler though so I’m unsure if he’d be as willing to help with the baby?

I can put both to bed by myself by lying with both of them. My mum.managed 5 of us without anyone being left to cry

Sleep trained the eldest by the time second one was born is what I did. Obviously if a child was distressed then I'd have dealt with them but that's a tad different than spending ages each night laying with a child to get them to sleep

My DDs dad was in the Army so often not around so there wasn't 2 people to manage to get kids to bed. . That seems to be a fairly recent recent thing

Honestly, I think this is a mistake. With a new baby I would do everything I could to keep the toddler’s routine the same.

When he starts nursery he will just have to adapt because starting nursery is requires him to adapt in pretty much every area. You can’t prep for that. Especially not nap time unless you can borrow 10 random kids and put them all to sleep at once on your living room floor…

I’m usually the one to say yes to sleep training (not cry it out but gentler methods). But with a new sibling in the house and a change of routine it definitely is not the time to do so.