To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

You’ve just got to let it go. My MIL once gave me a plain pair of black socks from a Primark 3 pack. It was intentional. Who cares, I simply thought what a great way to show the world what a bitch you are why not!

My Ex SIL brought round a bottle of blue nun for us all to enjoy on Xmas day - …between 11 of us..with a four course meal I felt insulted !! it wasn’t we needed it, but it’s not acknowledging the effort or expense you have put in for them. Some people are just rubbish at that sort of thing and just very thoughtless. step back and don’t put yourself out for them so much it’s really not you it’s them.

I have voted YABU. Your expectations are too high for these individuals.

You have admitted that your MIL & SIL have poor social skills and are difficult to talk to. They sound like they are not capable of thoughtful gifts or have the emotional intelligence to 'read you'

If you don't want mediocre wine just say 'don't get me a present' or 'I would prefer a voucher' - make it as easy as possible for them as they are clearly shit at buying presents.

They won't get better

This is a get out of jail free card for you, never again do you have to make any effort for any of them. Try and reframe it as a win, it’s not you it’s them.

I’d stop buying gifts altogether. it’s clearly not their thing.

As others have said, just match their energy. They don't put any effort in, so you don't either.
I spent years and years putting soo much effort into choosing and buying gifts for my SD, to get thoughtless, obviously last-minute crap back. After one memorably shit Christmas gift from her, which left her father furious, I just stopped.

Honestly I’d try to not think about this too much to protect your peace. Some people are awful gift givers, it’s not their love language, and it’s just not something they’re good at. It’s not necessarily malicious in any way. My family included. I was shocked at the presents I got from my in laws, vastly different way of giving and doing things to what I was used to.

from what you say they also find conversation hard, so it’s understandable why your SIL didn’t acknowledge your mc. Sorry to hear this. For some people such conversation is very challenging and maybe she felt it better to not say anything than potentially mess it up. I adore my IL family but all comms re mc were done through my husband, no one contacted me directly. It felt appropriate at the time. It’s a tough situation for people to navigate, even for those who are good at talking.

Don't overthink it OP. Some people are just lazy, thoughtless, basic human beings. My own sister (with whom I have an ok relationship, and always receives a card & flowers from me every birthday) couldn't even be bothered to send me a card this year. I've accepted it's the way she is - lives in her own little bubble & can be quite selfish. I don't let it get to me. Let them get on with it & don't put yourself out anymore x

My late MIL used to re-gift stuff given to her, to me...mainly things like Body Shop/M&S bath gift sets that were literally years out of date...and still had the original giver's gift tag on. If it wasn't that, it was poundshop crap.

She gave me a set of Royal Jelly bath products from M&S. I used to love that stuff, so I made the mistake of using the hand wash. Ended up with a rash on my hands that took weeks to go away. Did a search of the product serial number...it was a decade out of date. She was in her 60s, no cognitive problems...she was just very, very cheap. I would have much preferred to get nothing, I got sick of having to pretend to my husband that I liked her manky presents. She gave me a pair of primark slipper boots one Christmas...they were a size 6 (her size, so another fucking re-gift). I'm a size 8...I did lose my temper when my husband asked why I wasn't wearing them...'they are two sizes too fucking small!'

Reflect her energy back to her, just give her the same generic present.

It wouldn’t bother me, I’m not into gifts and only ever buy small token ones and don’t mind if I do or don’t receive anything back. Some people place more importance on gifts, some don’t, it’s easy enough to op out of buying her anything and leave it to your DP.

Print some cards that say In Vino Veritas, leave the inside blank, and you're good.

What presents does your DH get? I am assuming that they are not much more imaginative than yours.
Your in laws have had a lot of years being them, they will find it difficult to change now.

Some people just can't be who you need them to be. I've known my friend for 50 years, for 50 years I've chosen her thoughtful, lovely, birthday and christmas gifts. She sends me shit she picks up in the charity shop, any old things seems to 'do'.

I get that you’re pissed off with the present situation - it shows total lack of effort.

But I disagree with the miscarriage situation. I’ve had a few and I wouldn’t want my SIL to text. Like you said, she is socially crap. Anything she would have put would have pissed me off. You don’t sound overly fond of them and that’s fine. I wouldn’t text my SIL in that situation, we just don’t have that sort of relationship.

Absolutely. Match their energy is one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from Mumsnet. You will feel a lot better.

I think you’re reading too much into things. I have a very normal and positive relationship with MIL and SIL.

SIL also didn’t acknowledge my miscarriage, and it’s only on reading this post that this has occurred to me. I didn’t realise family members were supposed to check in, it’s not like she could’ve done anything to help or make me feel better.

And I’m pretty sure I got the same birthday card from my MIL that I did last year. I don’t think it’s stockpiled, I think she just picked a relatively generic one I might like and just picked the same one twice.

Oh and SIL doesn’t even buy me a birthday present. MIL probably does spend closer to £20 on me, but it’s very much a token gift. Sometimes it totally misses the mark, but I say thanks and then donate it or bin it.

Buy the same card and wine for her next time.

Do they buy your DP nice gifts? Agree with others, stop buying nice gifts. If you find it hard not to then stay away from them around birthday time (eg don't go to a birthday meal, feign illness). Slowly wean yourself off it. I would also have DP speak to them about it and say he thinks it is shitty of them (ie his opinion not yours).

If it was me and my family were doing this to my partner they'd either get a massive bollocking if it's lack of effort, or if I felt it was genuinely just that they are crap at gifts then I'd sort them out - right, DW loves pink flowers, here's a bouquet I found online, order it - without telling you. You will know when you suddenly get a nice gift he helped them sort it, but it won't feel as bad as this lack of effort.

Stop buying them thoughtful gifts. They don't appreciate them or reciprocate. Stop expecting anything better from them. Put it out of your mind and (kindly) get over it, it doesn't matter.

It never occurred to me to buy or expect any birthday presents from my husband's family. YABU.

It’s a bit generic and boring, but I think you need to better manage your expectations. My MIL has gotten me a Burt’s Bees gift set for probably 15 years. I don’t even like Burt’s Bees! Though I think last year I did get a Neal’s Yard one, but it was the mini selection, so like a hand cream, a soap and like a shampoo, all like 50ml size. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t particularly like Neal’s Yard either.

One year, it fell out the boot of the car while she was unloading the shopping and dh’s uncle ran the whole box over with his mobility scooter. So that year, I got a crushed Burt’s Bees gift set with actual tyre tracks on it. 😂

I have lowered my expectations now. It’s fine. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t ever have to buy her a present though because Dh does all that. I give the soaps and stuff to dd who does like them.

In my family, no one bothers with cards or presents for birthdays except mum to child and vice versa. Never had a gift or card from DHs side if the family. I don't think it's a reflection of how you are loved personally, and I say this as someone who's love language is gift giving and service. Christmas is another story, generic gifts with zero thought and I'd rather they didn't waste their money because they think they need to buy something for the sake if it. I'd worry more about your relationships and how they are than the gifts, as the gifts don't really mean much really.

So when I lived in Jaoan we had a “gomiyagi” cupboard (gomi = rubbish; omiyagi = gift). These were all the crap gifts people gave that you could recycle by gifting onwards. Since culturally ig is ride to open a gift in front of thd giver, oftentimes the gifts could bd recycled IN THEIR ORIGINAL WRAPPING. Everone did it!

I feel sorry for you OP.

You sound nice and thoughtful and I can see how wearing it is for you trying to maintain your energy and positivity while dealing with people like this.

i think it’s important you fight the impulse to let them drag you down and just accept that this is what they are like. Be grateful you are you and that you clearly have an inner sunshine that you usually carry around with you. Don’t lose your you ‘ness’ because you seem a lovely person.

I think you feel bad because you feel that in spite of your best efforts you mean very little to them and perhaps you do but that’s on them, they sound unbelievably miserable and unsociable.

Look on the bright side - you made me laugh describing your in laws, especially the joy sucking brother BIL! I don’t mean to be lighthearted btw, but I thought you described them very well indeed!

The idea above is quite a good one actually of same bottle of wine , and say it's shared from x , y and z ! As it might actually make her realise it bothers you . I've actually learnt to be better at thoughtful presents to my friend who feels valued that way . We had a nice chat about it years ago and how meanwhile I don't particularly like getting stuff as end up with too many things ! Though funnily enough I do enjoy wine or edibles as they don't take up space !