To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

Agree, you also think it’s about you and it’s not it’s about them and how they view the world. It’s not your issue if they don’t like you they are just two random people to you really. Do you like you? That’s all that matters .

But stop martyring yourself , don’t get them a present match their energy.

Im crap at doing or giving gifts im so pleased my family and friends are not in to it receiving or giving.
As some have said there are people out there that are just shit at it im one of them.

You and they are very different people. You're obviously not ever going to be close. They seem to have accepted that, but you don't want to. I get that, I'd be the same as you.

From their perspective, could they both perhaps be thinking 'why on earth does she keep lavishing extravagant gifts on us? Is she trying show she's better than us? We're not gifting people, and find it difficult to get the vibe right. We feel inadequate and ashamed. We don't speak much because we don't know how to talk to her.'

Now I can tell from the way you write that none of that is true. But could they maybe see things differently to you? Are they introverts? Do they maybe feel you possibly look down on them?

Put the gifting to the back of your mind. Leave all that to DH. Concentrate on your DH and DC, prioritise their happiness (and your own). Let others who aren't outwardly caring or emotional deal with things in their own way. Don't give them any more of your headspace.

And I'm sorry about your miscarriages. That must still be very hard for you.

I kind of agree op about the miscarriage.

My SIL had several and got upset if anyone did mention it so I think that’s a tricky one to know.

And gifts are just not some people’s thing. It sounds to me more as though they know you drink wine so see it as “safe” rather than implying you are alcoholic. Sometimes people aren’t good at knowing how to choose. I do realise it’s nice if they make an effort to learn but I don’t think any of this is personal or targeted.

Why? Who says?

This is who they are and they won’t change. Lower your expectations and stop making so much effort when it’s not reciprocated. By the sounds of it they probably won’t notice the difference. The only person feeling crappy in this situation is you, so stop doing that to yourself. You can’t control their behaviour but you can protect yourself from it.

You don't have to see her. Or as DifficultEggs says, see her but don't get her presents or cards anymore.

You say MIL and SIL are joyless but they seem to be getting on with their lives whereas you seem to waiting for crumbs of approval from them. Why are you so tied to them?

Why?

So what, though? I see my MIL weekly, too, plus I’m quite fond of her, but she’s DH’s mother, not mine. He does presents, arranges stuff etc with his family, I with mine.

Why then are you expending so much time, thought and emotional energy upon them?

Yes, exactly. It makes no sense. I get cheap Boots toiletries sets annually from MIL, but it doesn’t bother me in the least, and DH deals with presents for his family.

What sort of thoughtful gifts are you getting them and are they in keeping with their lives?

I have someone who because I write for a living buys me lovely notebooks. But I don't use them. If I'm taking notes in shorthand I need spiral bound from the top to turn the pages. Not pretty hardback books. They gather dust until I donate to charity as stationary does nothing for me.

Similarly I get gems to match my birthday or scented candles to match my cushions. They give me a headache, I don't light them.

They are thoughtful but not in any way me. I wonder if you are just different and gifts show this up?

I'm not overly bothered for stuff. I don't really need anything and a bar of chocolate is fine.

Some people love cards but they really do nothing for me.

You may be over estimating your gifts to the same extent you are underwhelmed by theirs.

I would stop buying for them and tell your partner to sort them going forward and I would tell them to stop buying for you

Exactly this - match her energy with the present giving stop putting so much effort in, doesn't sound like it's appreciated anyway

It’s time to stop putting thought into gifts for people who can’t be arsed to spend any time at all thinking about yours. You’re kind, they aren’t.

The more you laugh about it, the easier you will find things

You just have to see the funny side of things. Play birthday bingo - wine, shared gift, identical card is a full house.

Don’t even bother. Give the exact same wine bottle back to her with the same card—let her know it is for her and her daughter and son in law to share.

I don’t get all the excuses being made for SIL not saying anything re the MC. If you’re shit at empathy, you can literally google what to say. It’s what I once did for my then boyfriend’s mother whose father had died.

I don't get any gifts from any in-laws. It does not bother me at all. My family will buy for my DH sometimes but it's not consistent. If they have not been big on gift giving in the 7 years you've been married maybe it's time to lower your expectations.

What's she like when it comes to other people's birthdays? If she's the same then that's just her and YABU. My family are big things like on choosing the card but I know people whose families don't bother with cards at all, and others who barely look at their cards.

Let your husband sort the gifts for his family and save your efforts for where they are appreciated.

You say they have social issues-unless they're particularly different to you, I'd not bother about it. As for the Vino, a lot of shops seem to assume all men are mad about beer and women about wine-again, unless they've said something, I wouldn't bother. Were they both so cold about your miscarriage, or just SIL? Seems wrong to me, but giving the benefit of the doubt, could she have had one herself? While that's not an excuse, if she's internalised trauma, it could explain her not reaching out. And sadly there's a lot of people who dismiss miscarriage, even if the mother is really ill or left unable to have more children after. Not ok at all, but unless she's singling you out for different treatment, I'd just be distantly polite when you see them.

I don’t think that they are saying that you have a drinking problem. If they had lots of say chocolate boxes or candles then they’d gift you that.

You’re upset because it’s proof that they don’t care and perhaps on a certain level you thought that being thoughtful would win them over. You are upset because you spent more than the 5 seconds they spend on thinking about you.

Only way forward is to stop being so thoughtful towards them. Send MIL a generic gift or say that her gift from her son is also from you if you give separate gifts. Say that this generic gift is from your child too.

It’s hard to know if she’s like this with everyone or just with you. If it’s everyone then chances are she organises a gift because she has to rather than wants to in which case you should match that energy. Next event go for the box of chocs on offer at the supermarket or return her energy with a £7.50 bottle of wine. I know that it may be hard because that’s not your natural inclination but it will hopefully get easier with each obligation gift.