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Original poster

DP and friend fall out - I’m in the middle and don’t know what to do

84 replies

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:03

I’ve been a bit of an idiot I think - but feel a bit upset at how this has played out.

In the early days when DP and I were together, we’d swap stories about drunken escapades when we were younger - holiday flings, silly behaviour etc. On one occasion he told me a story to which I replied to say my friend ‘R’ had done similar.

I’ve never repeated any of his tales, they were told in private, and he’d never relayed any of mine…until the weekend.

We were out with R and her husband, for dinner and drinks. I got a message when arriving home from R to say she didn’t appreciate me telling my DP about X story (in far stronger terms than that).

Basically, when we were all very young on a girls holiday she had gone off with a couple of blokes from a group we met. When we were out, she apparently brushed past DP’s leg and made a joke of it as you do. DP said something like ‘I know you have form for introducing someone else but I am sure you’d draw the line at your mates man’ and laughed.

DP says it was my fault for telling me in the first place and that he assumed it was common knowledge.

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

OP posts:
PerkyGreenCat · 10/06/2025 00:05

You've been a horrible friend to her. Why would you humiliate her by telling a man intimate details about her previous sexual encounters? Did she give permission for you to do that? Tell him about all the sex you had before you met him instead. Oh, would that make you feel uncomfortable?

I'd feel violated if I was your friend. I'd hate for a friend's boyfriend to know private things about me. I'd be so upset and never speak to the woman again.

Your boyfriend is a creep, ridiculing your friend with sexual comments. Sounds like you deserve each other! How would you feel if he's been telling all his creepy mates all about your sex life. I'm sure you won't mind them all laughing at you behind your back like you and your boyfriend were laughing at your friend behind her back.

Be a better person.

JHound · 10/06/2025 00:05

ScaryM0nster · 09/06/2025 19:19

Some stuff gets shared with partners and is very obviously not for repeating.

Other stuff gets shared and is actively labelled not for repeating.

Other stuff gets shared as a passing comment, and can seem like it’s reasonably common knowledge. And therefore not appear to be off limits for referring to.

The run up sounds like this landed with your partner as being teenage antics stories that would have been known by others at the time - and not off limits for future references to.

Even he was stupid enough to believe it was common knowledge what justifies him
bringing it up in a creepy disrespectful manner?

Nosuchthing2025 · 10/06/2025 00:03

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:03

I’ve been a bit of an idiot I think - but feel a bit upset at how this has played out.

In the early days when DP and I were together, we’d swap stories about drunken escapades when we were younger - holiday flings, silly behaviour etc. On one occasion he told me a story to which I replied to say my friend ‘R’ had done similar.

I’ve never repeated any of his tales, they were told in private, and he’d never relayed any of mine…until the weekend.

We were out with R and her husband, for dinner and drinks. I got a message when arriving home from R to say she didn’t appreciate me telling my DP about X story (in far stronger terms than that).

Basically, when we were all very young on a girls holiday she had gone off with a couple of blokes from a group we met. When we were out, she apparently brushed past DP’s leg and made a joke of it as you do. DP said something like ‘I know you have form for introducing someone else but I am sure you’d draw the line at your mates man’ and laughed.

DP says it was my fault for telling me in the first place and that he assumed it was common knowledge.

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

"As you do" is doing some heavy lifting there.

I would never, not ever, literally never infer that I'd like to had thought about fucking of my husband's friends as a joke.

He likes the idea that she had a threesome and has been thinking about it.

Renabrook · 09/06/2025 23:59

Well unless you are speaking medically I have never done anything i dont want others to find out, he was gross but people share stories of things in their past whether it is worth partners or friends

So I have nothing to be ashamed of so dh can share what he likes seperate to him being gross that is

JHound · 09/06/2025 23:58

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:48

I have apologised profusely to my friend, and explained the context in which it was shared.

DP finds the whole thing hilarious which is frankly pissing me off.

There is no context within which it was ok to share a story that was not yours to share.

JHound · 09/06/2025 23:53

Redpeach · 09/06/2025 18:07

Your dh was completely out if order, blokes are terrible with sexual anecdotes of that nature

They really are! I have a similar story and 3 people know. 2 women and 1 man. The women have never repeated it. I have had to pull up male friend on telling people.

But honestly your DP is really vile.

JHound · 09/06/2025 23:50

And why are so many men incapable of not being gross when they hear anything sexual about a woman. Almost like her having a “wild” past gives him carte blanche to be sexually inappropriate.

JHound · 09/06/2025 23:39

He should not have said anything but neither should you.
Both you and DP are in the wrong.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 09/06/2025 23:37

So he’s sexually harassed your friend, then?

Also, how long ago did you tell him? He’s obviously been giving it A LOT of thought over the years if that’s the first comment out his mouth.

L00pyLou · 09/06/2025 23:31

Coconutter24 · 09/06/2025 18:18

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

He should have kept it shut yes but so should you.

This. You're both in the wrong. You owe your friend a heartfelt apology for breaching her trust, your DP owes one for being inappropriate

healthybychristmas · 09/06/2025 23:09

Your husband is a creep and sleazy. You are not a good friend. You betrayed a confidence.

MattCauthon · 09/06/2025 22:59

Ew, even if it WAS public knowledge, thats deeply inappropriate from him

Dh knows the story of the time I apparently missed the signals that a three way was on offer. It is absolutely a story that one or 2 other people know and er have definitely laughed about it with the couple whose party it was at. Nonetheless, if these dh of that couple.saif something to me like, "no no, I'm not suggesting a three way, I know how you can misread signals" it would he hugely inappropriate and offensive.

TaranFollt · 09/06/2025 22:37

Your husband has made a sexualised comment to your friend. This isn't just about your breach of confidence. He's displayed the misogynistic idea that a woman's sexual history can be used / commented against her years later.
It's also an indication that he's given the scenario of your friend's sex experience some thought. It clearly was on his mind and the leg brush led to his unguarded comment.
He's humiliated your friend and she may have felt creeped upon. Unsure where it leaves your friendship, but she'd be well within her rights to not want to see your husband again.

Thepossibility · 09/06/2025 22:12

Ew he sounds like one of those creepy men that just can't fucking wait to turn everything into sexual bantz. Gross. Him thinking it's funny he threw a grenade in your friendship so he could enjoy his sexual bantz is disgusting too.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 09/06/2025 21:53

Nasty and stupid are cousins or at least closely related and I believe he is one or the other or possibly both.
Either way, I can't bear embarrassing partners who can't be trusted out in public not to humiliate me.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/06/2025 21:39

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:48

I have apologised profusely to my friend, and explained the context in which it was shared.

DP finds the whole thing hilarious which is frankly pissing me off.

Wow, he sounds an absolute Prince... 🙄

Yes of course he should have kept his mouth shut but you absolutely shouldn't have shared this information with him in the first place. Every woman knows that men love to use sexual encounters by women as a tool to make them feel like they should be ashamed.

notacooldad · 09/06/2025 21:28

think it's a genuine cock up/misunderstanding. No one is to blame. You didn't mean any harm by telling him while he didn't know it was a touchy subject.

Of course there is someone to blame.
In the first instance it is the OP for opening her big trap. I'm sure she wouldn't want other people to know her sexual shannanigans.

Of course the boyfriend knew what he was doing. He hasn't fallen off the cabbage truck, he knew its something that wouldn't ( and shouldn't have )been broadcast but he chose to bring it up in front of the friends dh. What was that about, to let the husband know that he knows a secret about his wife? to humiliate the husband in some way, embarrass the friend or mock her? He is still finding it funny so that shows he had intent to stir the pot instead of cringing that he had spoken out of turn.

Both op and the bf are a pair of arseholes for doing that to a friend.

Hsisbdh6383 · 09/06/2025 20:11

He's gross, what a sexist arsehole

MaryGreenhill · 09/06/2025 20:08

He needs to apologise to her and so do you . That was so unnecessary of you to tell him .

gamerchick · 09/06/2025 20:07

He's perved on your friend OP. You probably should focus on the fact he finds it funny.

honeyrider · 09/06/2025 20:07

Your DH is a sleaze and he's not a bit sorry, just think it's funny. If I was your friend I'd end contact with both of you.

BerniesAuntie · 09/06/2025 20:03

Ideally you shouldn’t have told him. But he absolutely shouldn’t have said anything, and his way of saying it makes home sound pretty grim. Him laughing now confirms that he is a total dick.

pictoosh · 09/06/2025 19:59

I think it's a genuine cock up/misunderstanding. No one is to blame. You didn't mean any harm by telling him while he didn't know it was a touchy subject.

In other news, your husband's response to the leg brush was pretty sleazy.

CaptainFuture · 09/06/2025 19:51

What was the point of you telling her story to him, and if his bringing it up to her?
Do you think he thinks 'whayhey!! I'm clearly in with her if I offer it'?!

sammylady37 · 09/06/2025 19:28

You’ve been a pretty shit friend here. Tell your husband all about your past if you wish, but you were out of order telling him about your friend’s. I would end a friendship over something like this, in face I have done so.

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