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DP and friend fall out - I’m in the middle and don’t know what to do

84 replies

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:03

I’ve been a bit of an idiot I think - but feel a bit upset at how this has played out.

In the early days when DP and I were together, we’d swap stories about drunken escapades when we were younger - holiday flings, silly behaviour etc. On one occasion he told me a story to which I replied to say my friend ‘R’ had done similar.

I’ve never repeated any of his tales, they were told in private, and he’d never relayed any of mine…until the weekend.

We were out with R and her husband, for dinner and drinks. I got a message when arriving home from R to say she didn’t appreciate me telling my DP about X story (in far stronger terms than that).

Basically, when we were all very young on a girls holiday she had gone off with a couple of blokes from a group we met. When we were out, she apparently brushed past DP’s leg and made a joke of it as you do. DP said something like ‘I know you have form for introducing someone else but I am sure you’d draw the line at your mates man’ and laughed.

DP says it was my fault for telling me in the first place and that he assumed it was common knowledge.

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

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1SillySossij · 12/06/2025 00:41

If you can't keep your yap shut on your friend's sexual secrets, I don't think you have room to blame your dh!

JHound · 12/06/2025 00:19

ScaryM0nster · 10/06/2025 08:39

In a similar vein - what made it ok for her to invade his personal space to the point where it was even vaguely contextual.

(but thats mens rights not women’s, so won’t get a mention).

She bumped his leg.

You know - an accident. To compare an accident to deliberate creepiness is the height of foolishness.

LadyLolaRuben · 10/06/2025 19:30

You shouldn't have shared it and he should not have repeated it. You've both been unreasonable.

If I was your friend I'd be really annoyed and wouldn't trust you again. To be honest I'd probably give you both a wide birth as I'd be concerned about other confidences having been broken and the damage it could do

jolies1 · 10/06/2025 19:11

You shouldn’t have shared. My friend did this to me, I’ve never quite felt the same about her since. It really felt like she did it to make her own behaviour sound better /bring me down.

Duckduck2 · 10/06/2025 19:08

Your husband is an idiot and you’re not a very good friend for telling something in her past to begin with.

did her husband know? Or has she had to explain it to him now?

If I was the friend I would be cooling my relationship with you. She deserves better friends.

Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 10/06/2025 19:01

He finds it hilarious,that tells you all you need to know.
Saying something to your friend wasn't a slip up but very deliberate.

Nugg · 10/06/2025 18:44

MrsTWH · 09/06/2025 18:09

Yes what your DP said was gross but you owe her a massive apology for spilling her secrets IMO.

This

Pinkissmart · 10/06/2025 18:42

MrsTWH · 09/06/2025 18:09

Yes what your DP said was gross but you owe her a massive apology for spilling her secrets IMO.

This

treesandsun · 10/06/2025 10:00

You shouldn't have told him because it wasn't your experience to share so I can understand why your friend would be angry that you betrayed what presumably she feels is a confidence. He can't be all that bright if he doesn't realise it was completely inappropriate to comment on it. I suspect your assumption that he hasn't shared other things you have told him is probably misplaced.

Mulledjuice · 10/06/2025 09:12

Surely she's fallen out with you? You shouldn't have told him, he should have kept it to himself.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/06/2025 09:10

Why would you share your friends sexual experiences with your partner.
I don't blame your friend for being angry.

Iheartlibrarians · 10/06/2025 09:05

Agree with pps- he's been saving up his oh-so-funny joke and was clearly on the lookout for any opportunity.

I think it should be possible for you to tell your partner things that seem harmless in context- but that only works if you have one who doesn't morph into a teenage boy/thigh-rubbing dirty old man at the drop of a hat.

So I'd be resolving to do two things in future: yes, to be more careful with my friends' privacy, but also to keep a watch on my partner's behaviour and decide if I want to keep putting up with it.

JustAnInchident · 10/06/2025 08:59

SophRj · 09/06/2025 18:48

I have apologised profusely to my friend, and explained the context in which it was shared.

DP finds the whole thing hilarious which is frankly pissing me off.

I’m glad you’ve apologised. Not a great thing to do, telling your husband her business, but I don’t think it was done in malice, plus it is fairly easy to see why you thought you’d be ‘safe’ mentioning it to him, even though you oughtn’t have.
It’s so gross that he decided to say that to her, in front of her husband, and the fact he’s doubling down and thinking it’s funny(!!) that she’s so upset by it is awful. Says a lot about his attitude to women generally but also his attitude to you; this is a situation which has upset you and someone close to you and he’s laughing?! Dickhead.

Firefly100 · 10/06/2025 08:56

PullTheBricksDown · 09/06/2025 18:14

He really is an idiot if he thinks a story shared between partners privately is one you can repeat because it's 'common knowledge'. Which leads to the other possibility that he just wanted to embarrass your friend (and you) and make a dubious joke, and that is his weak excuse for doing it. That's the kind of bloke you're with, in case you were not aware.

What you do now: apologise to your friend. Tell your partner that you will never be sharing any info with him again now you can see he doesn't handle it well. And think to yourself whether he's really right for you.

Perfect

Spinachpastapicker · 10/06/2025 08:55

Renabrook · 09/06/2025 23:59

Well unless you are speaking medically I have never done anything i dont want others to find out, he was gross but people share stories of things in their past whether it is worth partners or friends

So I have nothing to be ashamed of so dh can share what he likes seperate to him being gross that is

The epitome of the internalised misogyny “pick me I’m a Good Girl” crap that should be left in the 1950s. Confused Women can have a sexual history, ya know?

ScaryM0nster · 10/06/2025 08:39

JHound · 10/06/2025 00:05

Even he was stupid enough to believe it was common knowledge what justifies him
bringing it up in a creepy disrespectful manner?

In a similar vein - what made it ok for her to invade his personal space to the point where it was even vaguely contextual.

(but thats mens rights not women’s, so won’t get a mention).

GAJLY · 10/06/2025 07:09

That's bad, that would upset me too. You keep his secrets but tell him mine?! You need to stop telling him things about friends, if he's going to mention it to them.

notacooldad · 10/06/2025 07:08

@Nosuchthing2025
I tell my husband everything and everyone knows this, but he's not a creep who would make a sleazy comment like this
You tell your Dh ingo your friends have discussed with you? Even private stuff?
If yes, I'm glad im not your friend

Doingmybest12 · 10/06/2025 06:54

You aren't stuck in the middle, you are front and central. Sounds like your partner has been waiting for an opportunity to make a comment like this. All you can say is you've learned your lesson and see what she says. Don't tell people's private stuff to your partner, and check your own need to get off on other people's private lives.

JHound · 10/06/2025 00:50

Renabrook · 09/06/2025 23:59

Well unless you are speaking medically I have never done anything i dont want others to find out, he was gross but people share stories of things in their past whether it is worth partners or friends

So I have nothing to be ashamed of so dh can share what he likes seperate to him being gross that is

Why do you assume not wanting all and sundry to know everything about our personal lives means being ashamed?

And how have you given your partner permission to share your friend’s stories?

NormasArse · 10/06/2025 00:42

Your partner is a prick.

ILoveBrum · 10/06/2025 00:39

NeedToChangeName · 09/06/2025 18:11

Obviously, he was out of order

But this isn't all on him. If you'd been sensible enough to not tell him the story in the first place, this would never have happened

I'm not sure if your friendship will recover, unfortunately. If you were my friend, I'd be very very upset with you

Me too.

Nosuchthing2025 · 10/06/2025 00:30

Nosuchthing2025 · 10/06/2025 00:03

"As you do" is doing some heavy lifting there.

I would never, not ever, literally never infer that I'd like to had thought about fucking of my husband's friends as a joke.

He likes the idea that she had a threesome and has been thinking about it.

Sorry for typos. I tell my husband everything and everyone knows this, but he's not a creep who would make a sleazy comment like this.

whackamole666 · 10/06/2025 00:10

Your partner is a creepy cunt.
You're not much better for sharing your friends business.

FiendsandFairies · 10/06/2025 00:08

This is completely on your arsehole DP!!