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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being unreasonable

217 replies

householddog · 09/06/2025 17:59

im on a diet since having a baby 9 months ago I wouldn’t really call it a diet just cutting out rubbish and making healthier choices. Last month my husband asked if I wanted anything from the shop. I said yes grab me something nice he came back with chocolate and crisps galore. I thanked him but said I couldn’t eat any of this as I’m eating healthy. He then said well what could he have got me and I said my favourite magazine a melon some nice bubble bath some flowers etc. I’ve done so well to loose some weight so far I’m not huge but the biggest I’ve ever been and since having the baby I had resorted to sugar to keep me going and relying on snacks for fuel. Today he text me while I was in the middle of dealing with the baby and preparing dinner to ask if I want anything so I text back saying yes please a treat would be lovely surprise me. I had to rush off as baby was crying and then left my phone up stairs so couldn’t say what I wanted. Hes come back with chocolate galore again profiteroles Pringles and sweets. I said I can’t eat any of that but that I appreciate the thought. I’ve had a hard day with the baby I’m also in a lot of pain with my period on codine and taking morphine when he’s home to keep an eye on the baby. I just wanted a nice treat and he’s done it again. He also randomly brings home junk and offers it to me and I say no. I haven’t fully restrained myself I had some cake at my mums birthday I also had some pudding when out just us too for our anniversary. But I’ve made it very clear that I’m being really determined at home. He says I’m being unreasonable and how was he to know as I didn’t say what I wanted

OP posts:
Chocolatecakewithsprinkles · 09/06/2025 22:08

Yabu, if you want fruit ask for fruit

Pinkelephant66 · 09/06/2025 22:04

He’s not a mind reader. If I asked for a ‘treat’ and my bf came back with melon I’d be pissed right off

CarraghInish · 09/06/2025 22:03

YABU. Just tell him what you want.

Doctorkrank · 09/06/2025 22:02

Treat definitely means cake, chocolate etc. if you wanted something else you should have asked for it. How on earth was he to know you wanted bubble bath and a melon!

Matronic6 · 09/06/2025 21:51

YABU he's not a mind reader just tell him what you want.

QuickPeachPoet · 09/06/2025 21:47

You definitely need to communicate better. Either pause for 20 seconds and actually send that message (the baby won't combust if you leave it crying for seconds), or hand baby over to DH and go to the shop yourself. Alternatively, have healthy food in, so that when he says do you want anything, you can say no thank you.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 09/06/2025 21:44

I haven't read all the replies, but if I said get me something nice I would assume some chocolate or posh crisps. I personally would get some chocolate or nuts or snacks type things if someone asked me.to get them a treat. I wouldn't expect a mag (would be nice though haha, but always the chance you'd get a shit mag) hope you feel better soon x

laclochette · 09/06/2025 21:37

Just say you don't want junk food in the house so you aren't tempted to break your commitment to yourself. And in general if someone is popping to the shops and asks if you want anything they mean snacks. It's not like you say it when you're popping to IKEA or something. Be more specific and get more of what you want!

Nurseryquestions86 · 09/06/2025 21:36

No sorry I'm with DH. If somebody texts you from the shop asking if you want anything and you say a treat then tbh choc or crisps or something is a reasonable thing to buy.

TotHappy · 09/06/2025 21:32

Well, a melon is a treat here. As are strawberries, any berries actually, mangoes, dates. They're very expensive!

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 21:20

If I asked my DH to bring me a treat home and he brought a fucking melon I’d LTB

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 09/06/2025 21:14

Yeah OP I think this is just a miscommunication. You need to be more specific even if it’s just to say “a healthy treat”.

pinkdelight · 09/06/2025 21:13

The world is full of people who say - don't get me any chocolate - but then scoff a load of chocolate, or indeed go nuts if husband doesn't mindread and get them chocolate even when they've claimed they don't want any. Don't read too much into this and don't say the 'surprise me' thing again. Just communicate better and then he'll get you what you want.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 09/06/2025 21:11

householddog · 09/06/2025 18:21

I said to him in the car I would have some cake at my mums but only a small bit as It was my mums birthday I’ve made it very clear I’m on a diet. He keeps buying junk food for me and the house even when I say I can’t have it. I would have suggested what I wanted had I not been dealing with a tearful baby who’s teething and screaming the house down.

It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your efforts, especially since you have now spelled out what you would like after the first time.

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2025 21:10

He got you something you weren't eating by mistake you told him what you wanted in future and he made the same "mistake?" That sounds like deliberate diet sabotage or he just cba to remember that your on a diet and in all fairness treating yourself on your anniversary and your mothers birthday is not a sign that your not serious about dieting

Eenameenadeeka · 09/06/2025 21:09

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable, chocolate or cake is what most people would think of as a treat, if you want melon just say what you want.

Barnbrack · 09/06/2025 21:06

Idratherreadabookthanks · 09/06/2025 20:44

I lost a lot of weight when caring for 2 parents in different care homes, was driving 100's of miles a week, dealing with their care packages as well as doing a rather stressful job. I went down to 5 stone & a size 4. DH was very concerned about me & tried to get me to eat, but I had no time & was too stressed.

Parents died. All the rushing around stopped. DH fed me. I've now ballooned to nearly 10 stone & pushing a size 14.

I've said to DH that I need to get to a healthy 7 stone as I've never been this big & not happy. DH says 'yes I hear you, but I love you as you are' which is good.

But I'm not happy as I feel fat - I am fat. He does most of the cooking (he's a retired chef, I work so he does most of the cooking) I say can we just have a salad, no dressing with plain chicken - no skin, no sauces please? What do I get? Chicken in some delicious creamy sauce, potatoes, veg with salad as a side dish - also with a delicious dressing.

I've told him that he's a feeder & the only way is that I prepare our meals. That's not going to happen as he loves to cook. He's also considers it an insult to him that I got so thin & unhealthy as people used to comment on it & ask him why he wasn't doing anything about me being so thin - but at the time we were like ships that passed in the night as I was so busy.

WTF am I supposed to do?

It sounds like you have an eating disorder. Unless you are under 5 foot 'pusbinh 10 stone' is not ballooning.

Barnbrack · 09/06/2025 21:05

beetr00 · 09/06/2025 18:14

@householddog

" I’m also in a lot of pain with my period on codine and taking morphine"!!

morphine, for period pain? gosh, is this standard now?

"grab me something nice" is not specific enough, really.

"He says I’m being unreasonable and how was he to know as I didn’t say what I wanted" he's not wrong

Edited

You can get stuffed with your 'is that standard now' internalised mysogynistic crap.

I've had plenty of pain that I've been offered morphine for that's not been as bad as my period pain as someone with endometriosis and fibroids. So while it's not standard it's legitimately disabling pai .

YourAmplePlumPoster · 09/06/2025 21:01

Well at least he buys you presents which is more than you can say for most men.

LaughingCat · 09/06/2025 21:00

First off, I’m really sorry you’re going through endo period pain, OP. I don’t have it myself but I’ve heard it’s excruciating. Throw in sleep deprivation and a screaming baby and I’d not be thinking too straight either.

However, all of that is skewing your idea of what’s reasonable though, with all kindness. Your DH sounds like he's just trying to make you feel a bit better at a really rough point.

Congrats on your weight loss - it’s a tough journey! But also remember that he’s just a passenger on that journey with you and he’ll need a LOT more guidance than ‘surprise me’. Tell him what kind of things you want when he asks (if he does again!) and you’ll sidestep all of this.

lessglittermoremud · 09/06/2025 20:54

If DH text me whilst shopping and I asked for something nice he would get a posh little tub of icecream, or wine. He wouldn’t think bubble bath or fruit.
I’m trying to make healthier food choices and up my exercise as well but it just wouldn’t enter in his head to get something else because he wouldn’t see it as a treat.
Like others, I think you’re going to have to be specific or your poor DH is doomed to failure.

Moonnstars · 09/06/2025 20:53

YABU. I hate people who say 'surprise me' or 'just get me anything, you know what I like'. These sorts of comments like yours set the other person completely up to fail as in your mind you know exactly what you want and what the buyer gets is never what you are thinking of.
There is no way if someone told me to get them a treat or to surprise them if I said I was at the supermarket would I know to choose melon, bubble bath or a magazine. Even if dieting most people's default would be something tasty like sweets, cake or chocolate.
I really doubt it is deliberate and sabotage as others are suggesting, but more just how most people automatically process things and words such as treat are often associated with unhealthy food, not wider gifts.
I agree you need to be specific about what food you want and to say pick me up a melon while you are there.
If you are wanting a more romantic gesture (flowers) then that is a different conversation and maybe worth dropping in hints at other times. To me it would be weird to say buy my flowers if someone asked me if I wanted something from the shop, but to mention previously it would be nice to have flowers in the house would be ok to say (and hope it is one day remembered).
However I am quite specific about gifts and do have a list I will get my DH to buy from...and normally if we want something from the supermarket it's usually something boring like remember the toothpaste is nearly empty.

Thegreatescape12345 · 09/06/2025 20:51

GreenCandleWax · 09/06/2025 20:46

Its him who sounds like hard work imo. OP told him only yesterday what would count as a treat, and he has completely ignored her. Is he trying to sabotage her efforts? Stay strong OP, you've done great. I hope he supports you in other ways, even if not re. food.

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Exactly!

Thegreatescape12345 · 09/06/2025 20:50

DarkForces · 09/06/2025 20:35

@Thegreatescape12345 I may be shit at adulting sometimes but I'm very glad dh knows I have good intentions and loves me enough to see past my occasional lapses. I think that's more mature than assuming bad intentions

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No bad intentions assumed - just thoughtlessness isn't it. Her partner hasn't listened to her, or considered what would be a nice treat for her. He's just got what he usually gets because presumably that's the easiest.

If my partner was trying really hard to lose weight and had done really well with it so far, and had also turned down a previous unhealthy treat because they didn't want to ruin their progress, why would any supportive or caring partner then decide to do the same again? If it were me I'd want to be supportive by helping them, and that means listening to them and treating them in a way you'd hope is both a treat, and supportive.

I get that an occasional lapse in judgement happens, and it may be well intentioned, but really? Why did he bother asking what to get her next time, if he was just going to get the same things she said she couldn't have again?

I don't understand it. Why do men have such a low bar when it comes to stuff like this? I don't feel like OP is unreasonable at all, but I'm obviously in the minority!

Tagyoureit · 09/06/2025 20:48

Blackdow · 09/06/2025 18:02

Oh ffs, when someone asks if you want something and you’re going to be awkward about it then tell them what you actually want. This nonsense “oh surprise me with a treat,” is just setting him up to fail. He clearly means food, do you want any food and you say you want a treat… which usually means something a bit unhealthy because that’s a bloody treat. If you don’t want that then don’t say it and answer with “bubble bath please.” You sound like such hard work.

I agree with this.

If you want a magazine, just say you want a magazine. It's really not difficult.

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