‘Love them like my own’ when it comes to step children?

I've noticed that the people I know who really adore their step kids don't have biological kids of their own. I think it helps not to have that direct comparison.

In my experience it is not really the same. I love dsd in a certain way, but it has always been more guarded and conditional than that for my own dc.

For instance, I know that if I and dh had ever split I probably would never have seen her again. I wouldn't have been in absolute pieces unable to carry on with my life, or going bankrupt for the courts to request access, like I would for my own dc, because I'm not batshit.

That also was never my role, she has a lovely mother already. She didnt need me to fill a gap because there was none.

The only person I've seen appear to feel and act the same way is someone whose stepchildren saw her as their mother (theirs had died when they were young) and she had no dc of her own.

So you can only love people you have control over or something?

Wtf, that's quite the reach.

Not sure why you are shrugging your shoulders at that pp, when you wrote this:

Actually, really, do people feel exactly the same about their SC as their own children that they carried and raised and nurtured and loved from before they were even born?

That doesn’t apply to many adoptive parents/ children but they are loved just the same,

So you can only love people you have control over or something?

OP YANBU at all to say you don’t love your SDC like your own DC. However you feel is totally normal and natural.

However you are completely unreasonable to act like everyone should feel the same way as you. Circumstances are different, families are different, people are different , relationships are different. Some people do love their step children as their own, regardless of law, or biology. Those things don’t define a relationship at the end of the day.

And to add to that Adoptive parents are the sole parents whereas a step mum is sharing but more likely secondary in hierarchy to the actual mum. I think to cope with this weird dynamic you have to consciously or other wise develop a different kind of love / relationship - like self preservation because loving someone else’s child as you own that is already loved by their mum could lead to a life of eternal rejection and heartache coming last.

I would die for my DD. It’s my partners job to die for his DS. Fundamentally that is the difference. Love them both, yes.

That’s weird I had this conversation with my mum yesterday. I care about my step kids and want the best for them but definitely don’t love them which probably makes me a horrible cow but I can’t help it.

I don't think that's a comparison really.

You are a parent, if you and your dp split, you'll still be a parent.

You make decisions about your dc, you have a say in thir lives, you'll have a space at their wedding with no fuss, you'll be a grandparent, no question.

It's an entirely different scenario with a step child, the relationship is based entirely in the relationship with their parent.

As a step parent your expected to love them as your own without reciprocation, or the reciprocation has rules attached.

Errr... What about us adoptive parents?

I didn't carry DS, nor raise or nurture him until he was three. I don't like the implication that my love for him is inferior.

I can confidently say I do love my step child and make similar sacrifices for them as I did my own but the love is not the same at all.

I was and am loved by my stepfather as much as he loves his own kids. He was bonkersly in love with my mum and I dare say that led to him investing so much in all of us. They've been separated for 15 years but he's an equal grandad to all the kids. He nursed us through illness, helped with uni applications etc like any dad. I don't think he's in any way typical though.

I would be at best indifferent to step children.I find other people's kids boring and exhausting.

This is why I would never be a stepmum.

To each their own, as long as your step children feel the love from you and feel safe with you, trust you etc then that’s what matters. I’m sure you’re not saying to them “I don’t love you like I do my biological children”, so as long as they can’t feel the difference then sounds like you’re doing a great job as a blended family

I have a DSC but no biological children yet, I don’t know how it compares and I don’t know how I will feel but right now I love her so much, I would give my life for her and often watch her with wonder at how I get to be part of this little girls life.

My partner and I discussed early on about adoption, it’s always something I’ve considered and I truly feel like I could love that child as I would a child that I birthed. My partner doesn't think he would feel the same, neither of us are wrong or right.