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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘Love them like my own’ when it comes to step children?

40 replies

LotsOfSmallThings · 09/06/2025 15:51

So I see this quite often on here - posters saying they love their step kids like their own/the same as they love their own biological children. And I always wonder, really? Actually, really, do people feel exactly the same about their SC as their own children that they carried and raised and nurtured and loved from before they were even born? I just don’t get how it’s possible!
I have both DC and DSC and we are generally a happy, functional blend but when I see the ‘love them like my own’ thing it makes me feel like an arsehole because I absolutely do love my DSC, a lot, but not remotely in the same way I love my own DC - it’s just not comparable.
So I suppose my question is AIBU to actually NOT love my DSC like my own, but in a different way that is specific to them? And if you have SC, where do you fall on this/how do you love them and how do you feel about it?

OP posts:
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Tandora · 10/06/2025 08:11

ARichtGoodDram · 09/06/2025 23:54

I think a lot depends on circumstances.

DS1 is technically DSS. His mummy died when he was a baby and I've been in his life since he was 3. He asked to call me Mum at 9. He's now 25 and I do love him the same as I do my biological children.

❤️

ARichtGoodDram · 09/06/2025 23:54

I think a lot depends on circumstances.

DS1 is technically DSS. His mummy died when he was a baby and I've been in his life since he was 3. He asked to call me Mum at 9. He's now 25 and I do love him the same as I do my biological children.

MiniMilkBottle · 09/06/2025 23:54

I definitely couldn’t love anyone’s children like my own, in fact I struggle to even be around other people’s children, but being a single mum ive been told my own chance now is men with kids but I don’t fancy being a step parent 🤔 on the other hand my dad definitely loved my sister more than me and I’m his biological child and she isn’t so it’s possible.

sprinklesandshines · 09/06/2025 23:50

YANBU, you can care for stepchildren deeply but I feel like you can never truly love them like your own

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2025 23:49

Lighteningstrikes · 09/06/2025 17:44

Cold words cold heart.

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Honest words and they have said they will never be a stepmother so why are you getting defensive over mythical children who don't and won't ever exist

potatocrates · 09/06/2025 18:37

I might love my DSC more if their mum didn’t punish me for every bit of love I try to show them.

DepositSaverUpper · 09/06/2025 18:32

I love my dsc. Dh loves my dc. We also have dc together. They are all treated the same , parented the same.
But to love exactly the same as my own, no not quite. And that's OK.

amylou8 · 09/06/2025 18:18

I felt a similar level of attachment to my step kids as I did to my nephews. You care deeply for them, and want the best for them, but it's not comparable to your own kids.

anytipswelcome · 09/06/2025 18:06

Lighteningstrikes · 09/06/2025 17:44

Cold words cold heart.

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What a needlessly horrible post. She was just being honest about her personal feelings. No need to respond to her so nastily at all.

TiredMame · 09/06/2025 18:06

I can’t imagine loving someone else’s kids exactly as my own. I would think that weird tbh.

Tandora · 09/06/2025 18:04

Holluschickie · 09/06/2025 18:03

Why? Isn't it better that I recognise this about myself and not make some poor kids unhappy? 🙄

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Much better. And totally fine to feel that way x

Holluschickie · 09/06/2025 18:03

Lighteningstrikes · 09/06/2025 17:44

Cold words cold heart.

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Why? Isn't it better that I recognise this about myself and not make some poor kids unhappy? 🙄

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2025 18:00

My ex husband loves his step children more than his own he ditched his bio children a long time ago

Createausername1970 · 09/06/2025 17:54

Tandora · 09/06/2025 16:55

Not sure why you are shrugging your shoulders at that pp, when you wrote this:

Actually, really, do people feel exactly the same about their SC as their own children that they carried and raised and nurtured and loved from before they were even born?

That doesn’t apply to many adoptive parents/ children but they are loved just the same,

Edited
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Thank you.

The implication in the opening post is that it's not real love unless you carried them and loved them before the were born.

I didn't see the need for the shrugged shoulders either.

I am doing a large flounce out of the thread now. If you could see it, you'd be impressed😎

Lighteningstrikes · 09/06/2025 17:44

Holluschickie · 09/06/2025 16:13

I would be at best indifferent to step children.I find other people's kids boring and exhausting.

This is why I would never be a stepmum.

Cold words cold heart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2025 17:42

The way you feel is completely normal and healthy.

As a step child I didn’t need and wouldn’t have wanted my step mum to love me like her own, she never had her own and that was still the case.

She’s never told me she loved me, I doubt she does. She loves her nieces and nephews and that’s what I’d expect. I had, lucky to still have, a mum and dad who love me to bits.

Hatty65 · 09/06/2025 17:42

MorrisZapp · 09/06/2025 16:28

I was and am loved by my stepfather as much as he loves his own kids. He was bonkersly in love with my mum and I dare say that led to him investing so much in all of us. They've been separated for 15 years but he's an equal grandad to all the kids. He nursed us through illness, helped with uni applications etc like any dad. I don't think he's in any way typical though.

This is lovely and I would say that is pretty much my DCs experience with DH - I had small DC when I met him and he raised them along with the DC we had together. He loves them all equally and has never differentiated. I suspect if he were scrupulously honest about it that the one he finds 'hardest' to love is his own who has been hard work at times and who clashes with him far more than anyone else.

Swampdonkey123 · 09/06/2025 17:21

I would say my love for DSC is very similar to the love I have for DN’s. In both cases I am another adult that loves them and has had a part to play in their upbringing but I’m not their parent.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 09/06/2025 17:21

No, was never the same.

camshaft · 09/06/2025 17:17

I have 2 children of my own and 2 step children. My feelings are the same as you.. I love them but it’s a totally different love to how I love my own children.

yakkity · 09/06/2025 17:15

I think it depends on many things. The age they were when they became your sc. whether their bio mum is still in the picture. How much they live with you. Probably some other things .

Beamur · 09/06/2025 17:10

I think it's fine to love your DC and SC differently. I expect my DH to love all his children.
My SC know they are loved and welcome but equally don't love me like a mother. And that's fine too.

TaupeRaven · 09/06/2025 17:10

I cared about and for mine when she lived at home with us, but didn't love her the way I love my own children. Now she is an adult, and has had an opportunity to make adult decisions and express herself as she chooses, I don't even like her. I'd also add that I recognise she is the product of both of her parents, and that my DH has had a lot of work to do on his parenting since I met him because his approach was extremely punitive

hamstersarse · 09/06/2025 17:09

I am a loving ‘Aunty’ in my step mum role

Fond of, care for them, love them. But they aren’t my children and it’d be insulting to their mum to say I love them the same as my own

loveawineloveacrisp · 09/06/2025 17:06

ohpoowhatnow · 09/06/2025 16:42

That’s weird I had this conversation with my mum yesterday. I care about my step kids and want the best for them but definitely don’t love them which probably makes me a horrible cow but I can’t help it.

Same.

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