Had a baby 11 months ago. Just went back to work. I know work is meant to help but I'm just more tired and have less time. I can't stop resenting my DH. How enormously my life has changed and how little his has. He's actually a lot better than most dads around but that's a pretty low bar tbh. Things are starting to level and after many, many arguments, and baby starting to be less dependant on me, we are starting to get closer to some fairness, truly. We also have more paid help so he's not actually doing a lot more but whatever, I have less to do.
I just can't let go of the resentment. It's like I'm about to get out of the trenches and I look at how useless he's been at times and I can’t forgive him.
That's his biggest fault. He can be amazing for a while, then he gets bored, then comes back around and I'm supposed to be grateful for it.
Like, he went on a holiday when baby was at a really difficult stage. He was amazing in the run up and amazing afterwards. Couldn't do more. But wtf leaving me with a non-sleeping baby for a week? I begged him not to go. He did. He also volunteered for a 2 weeks work trip when baby was a newborn. He cut short his paternity leave to leave me with a screaming tiny colicky baby. My parents came over to help but really, i needed my husband.
One morning, when I had just gone back to work and still doing everything for baby, he was standing in the kitchen, watching me prep my pumping parts, baby's food and bottles for the day and lecturing me about how I should take 15 minutes in the morning to exercise. How he's started doing it and feels amazing. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I would, but then who feeds this child??". He just went quiet. Didn't take over meal prep or anything.
He says I expect perfection and I should let it go. But he doesn't get that I don't get to fail. He drops the ball, I have to pick up the pieces. Is this motherhood? Because if it is, I hate it.