Resentment after baby

It’s not unheard of for a married woman in her mid-30s to have sex with her husband. As PP said, watertight contraception needed. Best of luck.

I don't understand why it would confirm that it's your problem?

I do understand about finding the time though. It's just one more thing on your list! I do think it might help though.

So he is now a much better father and partner?
Well you have a choice to make. You can't go back and change things so you either let it go and concentrate on now and the future or you leave him. You can't stay in a mood over something neither of you can change. He can only do better moving forwards, he can't go back and do things differently.
Not saying what he did was right (or wrong). But that was then and this is now.
And make sure you are on watertight contraception.

I honestly can’t believe how many posts like that I see on here. Paragraph after paragraph describing the most diabolically unsupportive and even abusive behaviour followed by “currently 7 months pregnant with our second”. Every. Time. 🤦‍♀️

I can relate to this. My H was crap (had many excuses) but him going away for a weekend when I was seriously ill and leaving me with DS who was about 8/9. I wasn’t competent to look after him but H went anyway. And he has form for doing similar (ie buggering off when his own mother was seriously ill).

only advice is don’t have any more kids. It’s much more doable to do everything and work if you’ve just got the one!

If you don’t want to be unhappy and stressed, maybe stop at 1 child if your husband is this useless?

Eugh I hate the tell him. You shouldn’t need to tell him. Dh does this what do you need me to do? Me personally nothing. But the bin clearly needs taking out, the washing up needs doing and the washing sorting. Pick one you can see it with your own eyes you don’t need me to tell you.

Dh however was good with the children as babies. He did 100% of all night feeds and wakings despite being at work and me being a sahm he saw the time form when he got home as his time to be with and bond.

You need therapy so you have a space to get it all out and he needs to acknowledge your points and make amends

It might have been better to say "oi mate, do your washing...do mine too whilst you're at it". Not communicating isn't helping.

I think you have every right to be totally pissed off about being deserted tho but what can he actually do to fix it now?

Not a lot, so I think I'd invest in some talking with someone to decide how you want to proceed.

I think you need a business trip or a solo holiday to "recharge". Residential, at least a week. How hard could that be to sort? 😄

My husband was substantially less of a dick than yours but when I went back to work, I had to travel frequently, long haul. It was the making of him as a competent parent, as a partner and his relationship with his children.

Please tell me you’ve have water-tight contraception in place. There are so many posts on MN along the lines of “my husband was useless when we had our first and now he’s even worse after the second and I’m trapped”.

Men rarely ever do as much as women and yes, when the chips are down (or even if they're not) men look out for themselves. It usually takes giving birth to wake up to that fact. You realise that you can't "baby" two human beings and your child will always be the priority, not your husband. It's a very common experience for women, once they are mothers, to become bitterly resentful of their partners - often with good reason.

If it’s only better now because you got in a nanny, it’s not better, he’s just outsourced his portion of the load.

Sounds like you’re already checked out and I would advise, if that’s true, to leave now rather than waste years and years more of your life hoping it gets better or trying to make it work before leaving and then having to start from scratch when you’ve wasted your best years.

I promise that doing it alone is not as hard as doing it with a dead weight tied around your neck. There is no resentment when you’re doing it alone, no second child to manage and wash and cook for, nobody to let you down.

I think he needs to acknowledge the depths to which he has let you down before you can begin to move on.

How can you let go of resentment when the problem is not fully acknowledged?

I ended up getting divorced because of the inequality and resentment though.

I don't think he's as good as a dad as you think, and not better than the majority, unless I'm delusional and most fathers are really, really shite? I couldn't get past him cutting paternity leave early and leaving me with a colicky baby, nor could I get past him going on a holiday I'd begged him not to go on. And he only does his washing? I honestly don't understand and I'm sorry you're in this position, I would massively resent him too!

My partner is not like this, at all, we have an 8 month old baby. I don't resent him one bit because when he's home it's 50/50, as it should be, it has never been anything but.

I dont understand why so many men are useless, I really don't. My partners mum was a single parent and his dad wasn't involved at all, his mum worked 3 jobs to keep a roof over their heads so he had to cook them all tea, help clean the house etc and that's just continued into adulthood.

I'll certainly do my best to bring my baby up to be like his dad and not like a lot of the useless men I read about on here!

I would have a serious conversation with him about what you do, what he doesn't do, and if he doesn't change then I'd leave. He'll have to do 100% when he has your child on his own. Good luck x

Oh, the cheating wasn't the bad thing, the bad thing was just a total failure to give previously promised support, which left me unable to take a job (which I'd already accepted, based on his previous commitment to drop the kids to school/childminder - which I had sorted out, and I was committing to the pickup which was going to be much harder and career limiting).

Just the fact I can blithely say that the cheating was a minor thing shows what a mug I was waiting so long to end it TBH.

VoltaireMittyDream has it - he used to say that "it'll all sort itself out" - but it wouldn't, what he meant was I would eventually have to sort it out. And YES the idea of paying for a service (which he would take weeks to find, then when it was actually in place, it would fall to me to manage), to reduce his workload, but often end up adding to mine somehow was another straw on the camel's back.

Yep, same.

It is hard to let go of the resentment once you’ve recognised that when the chips are down your partner is always going to be looking out for number one, ringfencing time and energy and money for his own social life / entertainment / career ambitions and screw the rest of you.

I honestly have not seen any hetero relationships that don’t go this way to one extent or another once DC are on the scene. Families who can pay to outsource domestic and admin work are more able to kid themselves that the man is pulling his weight (when actually it’s underpaid women). The only 50/50 equitable marriages I hear about are from strangers on MN.

TBH, and I hate to say it, but, if he can't step up then this is likely to kill the relationship.

I can absolutely point to the point I lost any respect for my ex, the beginning of the end. There had been issues with laziness, but I loved him and ignored them until this one point broke the magic spell, and we hobbled on for another few years before I realised I had to call an end to it (by that point he was cheating on every work trip, and many weekends he was home)

One of the symptoms for me was I just stopped doing his stuff. If he stopped doing washing (or worse, when he would cram too much in the tumble dryer, then take it out of the tumble dryer slightly damp and cram it into a washing basket where it sat getting hopelessly creased and smelly until I redid it), I stopped doing his washing. If he sorted himself out lunch, then I sorted mine and the kid's lunch another day and ignored him. I organised trips out with the kids and didn't bother trying to persuade him to come (I didn't hide we were going, but I didn't keep reminding him either)

People are going to say kids get easier - but not exactly. Mainly they get different. I'd say they're only really getting easier for me now the eldest is 14, so he can get himself places, and stay home without a babysitter.