Resentment after baby

You're not being a bitch. It's completely unfair. I still haven't forgiven my husband for similar behaviour 7 years ago. It still enrages me when I think about it. I had a business at the time and would be up until 2am sometimes with the baby asleep on me while I worked. The baby slept in 20 minute bursts through the night and would only sleep on my chest. He would finally settle in time for my husband to go to work and my toddler to get up. He once told me his sister got up at 6am so she could have a shower before her kids got up and I should do the same 🫠 I told him that I would just get up before I go to bed, that would sort it.
We're generally good now but I honestly don't know how you can get over the absolute shittiness of the early days. Godspeed my friend.

@WheelsOffTheBus1989 what do you want to happen. Let’s start there what if anything would cause the anger to go away?

Do you want to have a baby though? If you do, don’t let a useless husband get in the way of that. If you’re under 40, ditch him and go in search of a more equal partner, or go it alone with a donor.

I think I'd struggle to get past my husband volunteering for a work trip whilst on paternity peavey (unless it was going to lead to a promotion or something that was pretty life changing and would benefit the family more in the long run). How can anyone come to terms with being let down at their most vulnerable point in their whole life? Without their partner at least acknowledging it, regretting it, and trying their best to put it right. It sounds like he has an 'it's in the past attitude about it

We have a shared calendar and a shared to do list on our phones.

Most days at some point we have a quick check of who needs to do what, who can’t do what etc. we both work and there’s no assumption that anything will magically get done.

It took some work to get to this point, particularly after both maternity leaves as we adjusted to me no longer being at home every day.

I always cook and he always does the hoovering and dusting/polishing…. everything else is shared.

Perhaps shared lists etc would help? It stops some assumptions being made if well used.

OP, he is a selfish arsehole.
For goodness sake stop stressing and gaslighting yourself, it will only make you feel worse.

He absolutely let you down when you were vulnerable.
Went on holiday, volunteered for a trip?
Ffs, he's an arsehole.

Don't ever have another with him.
He really can't be trusted.

Do you want to be with him, knowing what a selfish arsehole he really is, is the question you need to figure out?

My buddy married one like that 25 years ago.
Had one daughter and when asked about a sibling by his aunt at a family wedding, she said absolutely not, he was utterly useless and I couldn't risk it. Her MIL was appalled and mortified, as was he.
She was unapologetic.

They limped on for 5 years but despite being a psychiatrist herself, she couldn't/didn't want to move on.
They divorced but co parent very well all these years.

You can't change the past.
You need to decide can you forgive and move on.
If he was genuinely remorseful maybe.
Unfortunately he sounds like a selfish arse that is unlikely to change and that will stop you truly forgiving.

Sadly I believe the vast majority of men are fundamentally selfish and will put themselves first in this situation.
They only step up partially because the women are so repulsed by them it shakes them up to cop on as divorce looms.
Stop beating yourself up for your perfectly reasonable disgust.

You saying he pays for help now but it's only he who gets the benefits of that. Uou sound like you are protecting him and still not gacing reality.

If you want more equality you have to leave baby with him and go away for a weekend or similar..and ket him take responsibility. And keep repeating in different ways..it doesn't always have to mean going away but it does mean having to give him the baby to take care of, and walking away. Only way.

You sound like I was as a new mother. The bit about him trying and then getting bored really resonates. Ultimately, I lost respect for mine (lots of different reasons) and we’re currently in the middle of a horrendous divorce. I suggest couples counselling and getting your ducks in a row.

I've actually made a decision to never have children with my DH when our dog got sick. He was still a puppy and terribly ill, he almost died. I was the one running around, changing towels, washing poo out of his fur, getting hot water bottles, trying to get him to drink, googling symptoms at 3 am while he burned with fever and cried and my DH was... There. Present. Waiting for me to tell him what to do and how to do it. Often just getting in the way. There was this one night which was really awful, the pup barely scraped through, and my DH slept through it (he just fell asleep on the sofa and couldn't be woken up, taking up space I actually needed). That night, it became clear to me that having a child with him would be exactly the same and I noped out. I love him, but the resentment is still there, I can't imagine how bad it would become if we had a child.
I don't have any advice for you OP, in the end it all comes down to whether you wish to stay with him or not.

This
Your resentment is corrosive and will destroy you and your relationship
Important to recognise that having a baby is a life changing event in all relationships and rightly or wrongly, the impact is far greater for the woman.
You have support with a nanny which many people don't.
You need to claim some time for yourself and work on letting go of the resentment

I had similar issues after our first child. We ended up doing a short round of marriage counselling. It did help me work through my resentments and we were able to reset.

The good news is, when we were planning on trying for a second child, I was able to have open and honest conversations about what I wanted to be different the second time around and it was so much better as a result. My dh was much more proactive and supportive and it felt like we were a real team.

Letting go of the resentment is the key, just also the challenge. Counselling could help, or perhaps trying to have some calm conversations where you each get to talk and listen - with the aim being to grow and learn from things.

I agree.
It is as if they know that having a baby inthe family isn't going to affect their lifestyle and what they want to do at all.
Because tjey're not going to let it - they've got a female, after all.
My ex was an ass ant it took three affairs before I dumped him. But if he had goneboff on a jolisay with mates while yje baby was newborn, he would not have been coming back.
Thus guy has shown he is an inconsiderate ass. No wonder the OP can't forgive and forget.

Sounds like he hasn’t got any better, you just pay someone to pick up his slack.

Id leave him on his own with the baby once you’ve finished breastfeeding. Go and have a week to yourself once a month until he starts to realise he’s been a complete shitbag

Nah.
That’s not what counselling did for me.
It helped me understand and put into words exactly what and why I was getting resentful
It helped me out boundaries up and be much more assertive than I was in telling he either had to shape up or he’d be in his own.
It’s not making you the problem. It’s learning how to best handle it.

Because let’s be honest here. Yes you have less to do because you now have help. But he hasn’t stepped up. His life hasn’t changed. He is still not taking any responsibility. No wonder you’re deeply resentful ‘despite things being better’. Because the real issue is- the fact he isn’t stepping up. That he is selfish and not thinking if anyone else but him - is still the same. And you haven’t addressed that with him at all. Yet(?)

Nail on head! I had this experience, realised after 18 months that it wasn’t going to improve (no matter what I said or did) and left. Not easy, but charting your own path is so much better than the ongoing disappointment/resentment.

I think we can all agree that OP’s DH needs to apologise and do better and the onus is on him to fix things - but unless he can actually be arsed to do this, OP is stuck either trying to persuade him of the necessity of changing his behaviour (which is soul crushing and generally gets you nowhere) or leaving a marriage with a young baby. Which it is easy to tell someone to do, but not exactly a quick and easy decision to make and set in motion.

I'll give a different (sort of) perspective
As there is a child involved I think it's worth at least trying to resolve things. That will be impossible without a complete and meaningful apology backed up with more thoughtful behaviour. He may be helped to get to this position through marriage counselling. He shouldn't need it. You shouldn't have to be sorting this out. However your anger will not magically disappear if you get divorced. It may increase and your child may be stuck in the middle. This is all on him. However I think you are likely to feel better about any break up if you've at least tried one last time to get him to step up. Good luck OP.

You've realised that he is fundamentally selfish and will always put himself above you and his child, when it comes down to it. I wouldn't even be trying to move past it but lots of women bury it down, have another kid or two, and this is their life.

Listen to Terry Real about relationship therapy.
its your DH who needs the therapy as he’s failing as a DH and DF. He’s botching up his closest relationship with selfishness. Thats something he has to change himself. Manipulative men use therapy to manipulate as well Often in therapy the approach is a 50:50 % focus on effort whereas the reason for being there is its 95:5 effort discrepancy so he has to improve and when he does your resentment issues will naturally resolve as they’re a response to unfairness.

I don’t actually think any of this is okay. I would have divorced my dh if he had gone on holiday in the early days. I don’t think it is something you should ‘get over’ he has let you down so badly when you needed him most, does he understand that?

Has he acknowledged his failings and truly apologised? Has he done anything to repair the situation?

Without the above, all the therapy in the world won’t change the fact he is a major disappointment, and given he has breached your trust and confidence in him to be there for you. The onus is very much on him to fix this, not you.

I don’t think you have an attitude problem. I do think therapy might help you decide whether to stay or go. But I totally get why you’d think, why the FUCK should I spend more of my time, energy and money trying to find a way to feel better about having a selfish dick of a spouse? Why does every potential solution to this mean I need to do more work?

I don't think therapy would be about making it your problem, it's more that you could find the input from a neutral party helpful to identify what exactly your issues are with him and his behaviour, whether you could get past it and what he would need to do to allow you to do that. You might come to the conclusion there's nothing he could do, but at least you'd be confident you made the right decision.

I do sympathise, I had some similar behaviour when my kids were young, although he has apologised and says he regrets it now.

DO NOT have another baby either this man.
Just don’t.

I'm sorry things have been so hard.
He doesn't sound like he has pulled his weight at all, the fact that he is a man is no excuse.
He wants to move on and for you to let things go - of course he does. That works massively in his favour.
You're annoyed and resentful because he let you down when we needed him.most. it's not up to him to dictate when you move on from that.

I just wanted to say I sympathise.
My H is great with the kids and does lots with them (he works his own schedule and I levae the house at 7am back at 7pm) but he does nothing in the house! We've had countless conversations! Charts went up the kitchen wall with chores divided up (that HE picked his own), nothing works.
I'm stuck with everything house-related, finances, reading/homeworks, school schedules, holidays, ad-hoc childcare booking, appointments... He does take DC to most of the appointments but then he need reminders (the week before, the day before, an hour before!).
Resentment is horrible but very real.
I hope someone has the magic solution in this thread for us!