Resentment after baby

i feel like I could have written this myself. I had an emergency c section and a screaming colicky baby, partner buggered off out to get drunk when baby was 4 weeks old, went on two 3 day stag dos before baby was 12 weeks old, left me with mastitis and a fever so he could once again go out with his mates, these are just a few examples. I’ve done all night feeds and everything else in between and I was also working through out all of this,
ive had therapy but I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment

I do feel like lots of break ups can be linked to how much support a partner gets when they’ve had a baby.

This resentment will build if you don’t confront him over this. You’ll end up doing everything and then sitting back one day thinking “ I do everything anyway, might as well do it alone.”.

In fact, upon reflection if he refused I think I’d take myself on holiday for 2 weeks at short notice. Make him realise what he did to you when baby was born

Hi OP,

I think when you are the help and don’t feel the responsibility is on you then you often drop things / don’t see the task (like the laundry example), and yes you create another task for you to nag them to do stuff.
In your situation I would try to explain this to my husband - and propose that for a period he is responsible for everything. Write out a list, include managing the nanny and whatever other outsourced tasks you have. I’d go with a month. After this you could then split the tasks to each take primary responsibility for some. I think this will help him realise just what you do and why you feel the resentment you do. Maybe even go on a two week holiday in the middle of this period alone :-). Obviously he can refuse, the response to this is - I did it for 11 months and I’m not prepared to continue for the next 17 years so what do you propose instead?

@WheelsOffTheBus1989

No - it's not motherhood - it's having a selfish, shitty partner!! HE'S your problem - not motherhood. 🤷‍♀️

No it's really not how it's supposed to be. And when women talk about this low bar, and say how shit men are, they are just letting them get away with it and making you think it's normal. He went on holiday when you had a newborn, he cut short his paternity. That is such arsehole behaviour and there is no coming back from that. The resentment won't go away because he fucked off when you needed him most, then it obviously affected how he bonded with the baby as he is not stepping up now. Do you enjoy going back to work? Does he earn more? Can he take an extra day off to look after the baby? You need to leave him to it. Designate him a day and everything is on him. He will be forced to learn all this stuff because he has to. I breast fed so our baby needed me more, they just do need their Mum's more, but my partner took 6 weeks off when he was born and that bonding makes a massive difference. He has developed all his own settling techniques, meals when he has the baby, and activities. Some of it is letting go and letting them fail. I think you definitely need a couples therapist so you can bring up the fact he abandoned you. You can do it online of you ont want to travel there.

I recommend you read the book ‘How not to hate your husband after kids’ by Janice Dunn.

Wow, your bar really is low. None of this is remotely normal or acceptable. I'd ltb, and I don't say that lightly. You'd still be carrying the load but at least you wouldn't have that useless prick to look after as well.

(Our DC are 12 and 9. We were always equal parents, and in fact now that I've got cancer he does loads more than me without question or complaint.)

What was your relationship like before junior was planned, did you have similar issues where you were doing most of the work or were things fairly balanced & you were both happy? I'm not saying your child coming along is the problem, it's how your relationship worked before - has he checked out? Some men think that when children come along they become the child also & you become their mum as well as your child's mum.

I have heard this before, but it hasn't been my experience at all. I've known plenty of single men (family friends), keen on having children, who were looking to settle down, and upset that the women they met on dating apps, weren't interested in starting a family.

Also gay (male male) couples, desperate to adopt.

I know two couples, where the men would like a 2nd child, but the woman is adamant she doesn't want another...

These are all pretty nice, "normal" men, with average lives. I know this is just a small sample, of people I happen to know. Still though, to say "most men don't want children", has always struck me as a bit of a sweeping statement.

I think the fact that both parents usually have to be at work, makes it harder in some ways - it's an old trope now, that women are supposed to work like they're not a parent, and parent like they don't work. I've also felt resentful of my partner at times, as I feel there are things that will get missed with the children if I don't do them, and I care too much about them to "just let him get on with it". But there's no way I we could afford for me to not work (or both of us work PT), so I find that a pressure too, which adds to the stress.

If it makes you feel any better, I really do think it improves as the children get older. Maybe particularly if your child is interested in more of the same stuff as your husband. That is to say, now our boys are 3 and 5, they love going out on the bikes with their dad (I loathe cycling), or learning their letters / numbers with him (I find teaching them phonics quite dull). I think from around a year, or particularly 2, looking after a child can be less intense. Make sure you grab some of the time, to carve out a period for yourself regularly. In our house, dad takes them weekend mornings, just so I can sleep! Only until 9ish, but I feel like it's real "me" time. Friday nights me and OH have a glass of wine together and play board games (which would have been unimaginable two years ago), and I go out with a friend for dinner / drinks about once a month. Just little snatches of time, but they make a difference. Don't let your DH hog all your household budget of excess time!! Because there's no way it won't lead to resentment!

No advice but here to say I completely feel this too right now. I'm in a very similar situation...baby is just over 5 months and I've done every bedtime, night waking, morning, I breastfeed but baby will take a bottle (he's given her one on about 3 occasions), nappy change, bath/dressing etc. as well as keeping the house running. Partner is reluctant to look after the baby alone so I end up taking her everywhere. She's currently waking frequently overnight again and I'm exhausted. I haven't had an uninterrupted nights sleep since shes been born, partner sleeps in another room due to work but no offer of overnight support on days off! Hoping somewhere along the line things will get better.

Is this motherhood?

It sounds similar to my experience of early motherhood certainly.

I don’t think my DH was quite as bad, he certainly never would have cut his paternity leave short for a voluntary work trip nor left me for a week when she was a baby. He did an awful lot more than most dads I know, but still an awful, awful lot less than me. And the resentment was indeed overwhelming at times. Even if he had been perfect, the resentment for how fundamentally my life had been change and the physical, emotional, mental health, career impacts that hit me and not him would have been there I think.

I wish I could give advice on how we got through it, gritted teeth I guess. There was a lot of telling myself ‘well I’m not going anywhere and neither is he so better just get on with it then’.

He did just suddenly get good at a lot of the stuff he wasn’t before. I co-slept with DD because it genuinely was the only way anyone got any sleep. By the time we finally moved away from that at 2.5!! I think it finally dawned on him how much the broken sleep had drained me. She still doesn’t sleep through, but if there’s someone who gets up to her now it’s him more often than it’s me. I’d say he does a very fair share now of the hands on child care and also housework stuff (fair based on working hours, so I’m still slightly more but I do work fewer hours). I can, and fairly often do, leave him to it to go out, have been away with friends and with work etc.

Recognising the areas where he actually brings more to the parenting table than me is quite helpful too - I think overall I’m still doing the most but he is far more patient and willing to engage in her endless imaginary games for example, or he’ll be the first to suggest taking her off to the park in wellies on a rainy Saturday to ‘give mummy an hour’s peace’.

Is all the ‘mental load’ stuff still me? Yep pretty much - that’s the ongoing battle but I’m not sure it’s one I’m going to win.

I don’t know if your husband will eventually step up in the same way - or ideally more so. I hope so.

Would really laying out everything like in the FairPlay method (is it a book/ app I’m not sure, I see the woman talking on TikTok a lot though and always mean to look into it more!) help - I think the idea is it goes through every little task and who does them and how often so you can deal in facts and make adjustments from there, rather than just a feeling that one is doing more or not doing their share consistently enough. Then if it’s all down on paper what he is responsible for he can’t just get bored and give up? https://www.fairplaylife.com

This is horribly commonplace. Men never really grow up, do they? The ones that do are like hens' teeth

There are 2 things here

1. He hasn’t been able to empathise with the toll having a kid has taken on you.
2. You have lost respect for him and are exhausted so have lost the ability to communicate in a way that he fully understands so he can be consistent.

He is very comfortable putting his needs first. Maybe you should practice the same whilst getting some professional support x

A nanny for one child? And you are complaining? I think you are in a highly fortunate situation and should thank your good fortune. Not many people are so lucky with several more children and they probably don't whinge and complain half as much as you are doing now!

The majority of men do not want children. They only agree to have them because it's what the woman wants! If you have a child, then expect to carry out the heavy lifting!

You could look at online therapy rather than in person if just for you? Sounds more like couples therapy might be more helpful if you can get him to join you though.

You’ve got the ick
there’s no coming back from that, I think you’re scraping the barrel for some vaguely positive points he has but I’d just focus my energy on leaving
What was he like towards your pre dc?

I have an XH now because of his behaviour with a new baby and ill relatives. I couldn't get past the resentment. I also stopped at one because its far more manageable to continue my career.

Must be very common OP given divorce rates and (I think! Correct me if I’m wrong!) the stats about how divorce is even more common with a young child.

I have a good husband who’s a great dad too but there were definitely some moments for me that were nearly the straw that broke the camel’s back. I found telling him cathartic.

OP, my ex was worse than yours, steadfastly refused to change anything other than a wet nappy, never got up at night, didn't think about ds' food, basically did nothing child-related

Then I was offered a well paid job in my hometown. There was no reason to say no, ex wasn't home during the week, so I rented a little flat, found a lovely child minder, and ds & I moved out during the week.

Then it became clear life was soooo much easier without ex around at all, that we just never went back.

Think hard about what you want long term. You need to deal with your resentment or your relationship will wither. I chose to allow that. Is that what you want?

What to tell you OP.

If I listed everything my DP does it would be a lot - genuinely. It’s also not truly 50/50 and honestly I don’t know anyone who has that -except on MN.

For myself I feel he does a lot and I have a zero tolerance policy on wilful helplessness, so nipped that in the bud, but there are some things I just do myself because it literally doesn’t work otherwise.

I’m waiting for comments of I’m an enabler and if I only did and said X. I’m the high earner of us and have no issue telling men. I am not financially tied in any way. My lived experience is 12+ years parenting later and I’m yet to meet any females who have true 50/50.

To add: I think you do have a DH problem. I’m not suggesting dropping your standards - at all - just answering is this what motherhood is like. Sort of yes, but not as extreme as your case.

No, HE needs to work on being a father and taking some responsibility.

I’m not sure why the OP should stop being resentful of a man who refuses to step up and become a father. You know one that knows what the baby’s routine is. One that cleans the breast pump parts etc etc etc….

If somethimg is destroying the marriage just now, it’s the attitude if this man. One that is still doing nothing for his dwife or his child.

Same here x