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Original poster

How do I stop my step daughter

117 replies

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:17

From calling me mum?!
been in step daughters life for 12 years now, have always been “Janespotatoes” but the last couple of months she’s constantly referred to me as mum. I’ve corrected her over and over, as has her dad and I’ve gently explained that I’m not her mum, she has a mum and if said mum found out we’d both be toast! I’m not sure what’s prompted this change of name but does anyone have any advice on how to gently revert back to the way things were? She’s 14 if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:33

EmBear91 · 09/06/2025 14:30

I haven’t really got any advice except that you’ve clearly done a fantastic job as a stepmother for her to feel that you’re like a second mum to her. Something to be proud of! Is this something she could call you privately but not publically? Or could you gently guide her to discuss it with her mum so at least it won’t be a secret waiting to be exposed.

Thank you, that’s really lovely of you to say and how I’m going to try and look at it. I might have a chat with her about the idea of only calling me mum in private as that certainly is less complicated. 🩷

OP posts:
EmBear91 · 09/06/2025 14:30

I haven’t really got any advice except that you’ve clearly done a fantastic job as a stepmother for her to feel that you’re like a second mum to her. Something to be proud of! Is this something she could call you privately but not publically? Or could you gently guide her to discuss it with her mum so at least it won’t be a secret waiting to be exposed.

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:30

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:26

Friends, family, anyone who knows I’m not her mum.
and I just really really don’t want my step daughter to go through the shit that she’s going to get if her mum finds out :(

Show quote history

Well you can't control that can you?

Like I said, she knows her mum.

And if her relationship has 'gone downhill massively', she could be doing it out of spite.

Only she knows why she's doing it all of a sudden, but it's her choice.

Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:28

Pancakeflipper · 09/06/2025 14:27

Your DSD knows you aren't her mother but continues to say it even after you correcting her.
I wonder if she finds using this word comforting, makes her feel safe and loved?

I'd let it go, I think she may change to another term in time

Or do you think she's doing it to wind her mother up if things aren't good between them?

That’s a lovely way of looking at it. No her mum has no idea.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 09/06/2025 14:27

Your DSD knows you aren't her mother but continues to say it even after you correcting her.
I wonder if she finds using this word comforting, makes her feel safe and loved?

I'd let it go, I think she may change to another term in time

Or do you think she's doing it to wind her mother up if things aren't good between them?

Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:26

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:25

Who's 'everyone'?

If her mum doesn't like it, that's down to her daughter.

She knows her mum.

Show quote history

Friends, family, anyone who knows I’m not her mum.
and I just really really don’t want my step daughter to go through the shit that she’s going to get if her mum finds out :(

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 09/06/2025 14:25

It shouldn't be mainly about whether her real mum will have a go at you/husband.

Why can't someone with a close step mum and a bio mum call both of them that?

To 'correct' her on the subject seems almost quite cold and mean.
Surely it's an honour she wants to call you that.

I'd be happy to be called whatever my step kid of 12 years felt comfortable with. As long as it wasn't 'dickhead'?!

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:25

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:23

I guess I assumed everyone would think I’m in the wrong for allowing it (by not being seen to be correcting it)

Who's 'everyone'?

If her mum doesn't like it, that's down to her daughter.

She knows her mum.

Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:23

I guess I assumed everyone would think I’m in the wrong for allowing it (by not being seen to be correcting it)

OP posts:
Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:22

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:20

Mind you, how have you or your husband not said, "Oh, why the change?"

Or have you asked her?

She just shrugs or says I don’t know or you basically are my mum etc.

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 09/06/2025 14:22

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:21

Things with her mum have gone massively downhill lately so that’s a good point. I think it’s just typical teenage mother/daughter stuff. I love that she see’s me as her mum! But it really is problematic in that if her mum ever overhears her call me mum, I can’t even put into words the grief she would give both of us and I don’t want that for step daughter :(

The mother being a cow bag is not a reason to discourage your step daughter from expressing herself. Your husband can deal with her.

dammit88 · 09/06/2025 14:21

At 14 id leave it ... she knows what she is saying. She's knows who her mum-mum is. Its a compliment to you really.

Original poster
Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:21

Things with her mum have gone massively downhill lately so that’s a good point. I think it’s just typical teenage mother/daughter stuff. I love that she see’s me as her mum! But it really is problematic in that if her mum ever overhears her call me mum, I can’t even put into words the grief she would give both of us and I don’t want that for step daughter :(

OP posts:
ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:20

Mind you, how have you or your husband not said, "Oh, why the change?"

Or have you asked her?

MellowPinkDeer · 09/06/2025 14:20

I don’t understand why you want to stop her? It that’s what she wants to call you and she is comfortable and confident in that then I fail to see what the issue is.

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 09/06/2025 14:19

If she insists on it I'd just let her get on with it.

She might revert back to your name eventually or she might not.

Is it really a big deal? As for the 'toast' comment, there's not much you can do about that either.

CoffeeBreak8 · 09/06/2025 14:19

Ooh this is tricky! Does she have a good relationship with her Mum? I wonder what her reason for this is? 🧐

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