How do I stop my step daughter

I have a semi similar situation. My DSD is 9, I’ve been with her dad for 6 years and she has lived with us full time for just over a year. Her mum is very hit and miss with her and I do the vast majority of her parenting.

She has asked to call me “mum” a few times before but I have gently shut it down, mostly just because I don’t want her to. It’s maybe selfish but I have “my own” 18 month old and I want her to be the first person to call me mum. Partly also because, regardless of how crap DSD’s mother can be, I know how much it’ll hurt her if she started calling me mum too.

I have suggested that we come up with our own personal nickname for me, one that is special and just for her to use. Although i do think sometimes that she asks more as a FU to her actual mum (deep down she feels very let down by her) more than a desire to have me take on that role.

i would gently and with kindness explain to her that if someone is asking her to refer to them in a different way, she needs to respect that, as it is up to the person in question what they would like to be called (to their face at least!) by others, and then enforce her to call you by your name again.

So you’ve told your stepdaughter not to call you “mum” umpteen times, because if her real mum finds out there would be hell to pay.

Have you told your stepdaughter WHY you don’t want her to call you “mum” or have you simply told her not to?

Maybe if she knew you had a god reason, she’d stop. Kids like explanations for our demands.

”Put your coat on.”
”Why?”
”Because I said so.”
”That’s not a good reason. Mum.”
”Because it’s very cold outside.”
”Okay. Where’s my coat?”

I might have a slightly controversial view on this, but in my opinion you should be able to say how you prefer to called and she needs to respect that, same as you would respect her preference for nick name for example. Its not about her but about you. She is old enough to understand this and in this day and age huge emphasis on allowing everyone to decide for themselves how they are referred to, so this should be your right as well. If You don't feel comfortable with her calling you mum, then she must use whatever term/ name (within reason) you prefer. I could understand this for 5 years old but not 14 to suddenly want to change to mum. What did she used to call you previous 12 years? And why would that need to change?

I echo Liquorice’s thoughts and think it’s really lovely that she wants to call you that.

It might also be the case that she feels the need to precipitate some conversation or action about her relationship with her mum. This could be a way of causing a necessary row without causing it if you see what I mean.

She might not feel able to have words with her mum about their relationship but if she subconsciously creates a situation where her mum has to address her feelings that might help things move forward. A bit like a cry for help.

You’ve known her for 12 years, I can’t imagine why you give a damn about her mother? She’s 14 and in a few years her DM will have very little relevance in your life. So if she doesn’t like you, who cares?

Se obviously loves the bones of you OP you are so lucky . Let her call you what she likes . She sounds an absolute darling.

She obviously has a strong bond with you. I'd let her carry on for now. 14 is such a difficult age for any girl. She's probably feeling all over the place. I hope she gets the support she needs.

Are your bio children her half siblings? As they can you mum and she may feel left out of the family dynamics.
But leave her to call you mum as next month it may change again, what does she call your parents?

Either it’s a middle finger to her own mum or her relationship with her mum is genuinely broken and you are a better alternative . I would say that you’ve tried to stop it and that’s enough . If it is genuine then you risk doing more harm by trying to stop it

Exactly the same with us.

That.

You haven't invited her to call you 'mum', it's her choice. Just accept it.

I'd take it as a compliment. nothing wrong with having 2 mums. this happens to step dads all the time. she can't remmeber you not being in her life.

14 is an awful age. i think you telling her to stop doing something she is comfortable doing is like saying you don't want her.

As for what her mum thinks then that is not your concern nor your business.

That’s a wonderful compliment from a teenager. Enjoy it!

I think it depends on whether she's doing it as a compliment to you, or a wind up for her mum.

God, this.

If she's not getting along with her mum then I'm guessing that calling you mum is a middle finger up to her own mum, even if it's behind her back

Yeah, I think this is it. Teenagers can be deliberately hurtful shits to their mums sometimes.

Correcting her isn’t stopping her so I’d go with ignoring, but you and her dad always using your name when talking to her.

Hopefully, she’ll grow out of it.

I love this.

Tell her mum that she's doing this, and make it clear that you're NOT encouraging her to. Then forget about it.

Sounds lovely she wants to connect you with the name she takes love and care from.
Could you agree with her that she calls you a nickname or something just between you two, or perhaps mum in another language?
Imma is Hebrew for mum and sounds nice I think.

Or just leave her to get on with it
If anyone does comment you can say you did suggest she still calls you Janespotatoes but you can't control what she chooses to call you.

Your right it’s problematic and your right to be trying to fix it.
Yes it’s nice she views you so positively but you are not her mum and never will be.

I wonder if it’s a dig at her mum.
All you can really do is correct her. So each time she says mum you say you “janepotatoes” and move on. It’s not cold. It’s factual and I’m sure your kind and loving to her in many other ways.

"Hey DSD, I am happy for you to call me mum, if you want. If you want to start calling me Janespotatoes again, that's fine too. I'm also here if you need to talk about anything that's bothering you."

It's up to your DH to deal with his ex.

Can you talk to her about having a special nickname that isn’t Mum, but which she gets to use and other people don’t?

My eldest stepdaughter started calling me mum in public after a while (as in 'I'll ask my mum') and then sweetly asked if it was OK because it was just easier for her rather than explaining the family dynamics! In private she just called (and calls) me my first name.

I think whether or not she has fallen out with her mum, calling you mum is quite flattering and reflects well on your relationship, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I doubt she refers to you as mum when she is with her actual mum...

This is really high praise from a 14 year old. I would go with it. Maybe tell her that you are really happy, and that you don't want her to get any agro from anyone else.
Well done you 😊