How do I stop my step daughter

My husband has had full custody of his now 15yo daughter since she was a year old. She was 2.5 when we married and has always called me mom. Her mom does not like it, but my husband had a good point when he insisted that she call both her stepparents mom and dad (her step-dad refused, despite my husband's request.) Here is my husband's point: the parents' feelings come second to the child's feelings and well being. There will never be a question as to who the biological mom and dad are. However, having "half" a home here and "half" a home there will affect the child's wellbeing. My husband felt, for the sake of his daughter, having two complete families and homes, both with a mom and dad, is more beneficial than having two half homes and always feeling like she doesn't fully belong in either place, especially as other siblings arrive. So I allowed her to call me mom. We've discussed it over the years and I've told her she is free to call me whatever she is comfortable with. She insists on calling me mom and we have a great relationship. I told her if her mom gets upset, to tell her it's M.O.M... "My Other Mom." How does it look 13 years later? She says she never feels quite at home at her mom's house, but feels 100% part of our home and family. Here, she doesn't feel like she is any less a part of the family than her (technically) half sibling (a term we never use.) She does feel like her mom's child with her 2nd husband gets preferential treatment and resents the whole situation. She feels more like a visitor there than a part of the family. So, my husband was absolutely right! Putting the child's feelings first and foremost should be the priority. Your stepdaughter will never question who gave birth to her and her mom is a grown adult who can handle her own feelings. This may be your stepdaughter's way of trying to feel at home in your house. So are you being unreasonable? Not necessarily... your intentions are honorable. But put the child first and dig a little deeper into the "why" of her behavior. Your job as a stepparent is to love and support your stepchild, not her mother.

How can this be a problem? Why on earth aren't you feeling happy/flattered by having such a good relationship with your stepdaughter?

She obviously adores you. And good for you!

Youve corrected her. You've explained why she shouldn't call you that. And she keeps saying BUT YOU KINDA ARE

That's lush! And I don't think you should continue to correct her. Don't risk it being a push away thing, when she clearly wants this and you like it. Let her do it in private, or come up with a nickname for you that you both know the meaning of

You sound so lucky to have eachother.

I’d take it as a compliment that she loves you and feels secure with you. Just leave it.

Nope. Nothing to be done.

Sit her down and explain to her the problem - that her birth mum will be upset if she finds out and that you don't want to hurt her birth mother's feelings - but that she can call you whatever she wants and you'll respect her feelings, whatever she chooses.

Trying to force her to call you anything other than what she's comfortable calling you is disrespectful, even though you mean well. It's no different than if she wanted to call you by your name but you insisted she call you "mum."

Just be clear with her about your concerns about "hurting her birth mum's feelings," then roll with it. She's 14, you're going to be rolling with a lot of things for the next few years anyways.

I have a bonus child who is 16, I've been with her dad 14 years.. she is my daughter, I didn't birth her, she has a wonderful mum & they have a great relationship but I have been there since she was a baby. I've changed her nappies, read her bedtime stories, cleaned up her cuts and scrapes & wiped away those tears, I've picked her up from school when she's poorly, taken her to appointments when her mother couldn't, lovingly made her her favourite foods, wrote her notes in her packed lunch etc etc I have 2 birth children (her siblings) and I treat her just the same and always say I have 3 children when asked.

Now it hasn't always been easy with her mum (parents were 18 when she was born) but we recently all came together for her 16th birthday & her mum had me in tears when she raised a toast to me, her other mum... She came up to me after and thanked me for the love, commitment & effort I've put into making my daughter feel like she is my daughter & reiterated that I am her mum.

All this to say, it doesn't matter if her mum likes it or not.. it's the child's feelings that matter & you as her (step)mum have a duty to protect that fiercely. At 14 she's not a toddler that's maybe confused, she knows you're not her mum but for whatever reason to her she feels such a connection to you that it feels natural for her to call you that, don't reject that... She's at a fragile age and you should just let her call you what feels comfortable, it might be a faze, she may revert to calling you by what she's always called you but for now just live in the moment and let her call you what she feels comfortable calling you. The mother is an adult and needs to manage her own emotions, you don't need to prioritise her emotions over those of your daughters.

You're wrong to tell her to stop. It just reinforces that you're not family and maybe don't want her in your life.
There's loads of reasons why she might call you that (convenience, wishful thinking, it's a shorter word than the name she's used for you before). She's old enough to know you're not so she's not confused, she has a reason. And if it's good enough for her then let her alone.

This. Even my son in law calls me mum lol.

I call my stepmom by her name but as I lived with my dad and her my friends would often say things like. " Best ask your mum" and I didn't feel the need to correct them

Please stop correcting her. The fact you have corrected her a few times and she is still doing it shows she wants to. You will make her feel rejected if you carry on.

You mention her relationship with her mum has been rocky so this could well be the reason why she has changed how she refers to you lately. The last thing you want is for her to feel pushed out by you too.

Fuck the real mum and what she thinks. It isn't your problem.

Could she be dncouraged to call you something similar but different? So her actual Mum is mum, but you are Ma or somethjng? That way if it’s ever overheard then there is still the distinction. My teenage sons call me “M”, for example (or Mother but only when activrly trying to wind me up!)

Sorry, not RTFT, but how about choosing a special term for her to call you, that isn't "Mum" but is more affectionate that your everyday name?

😂

She could call you Smum for step-mum and her real mum Bum for biological-mum.

I’d be thrilled if a step child called me mum. It says a lot about how they feel about you.

My personal view is this. She's old enough to make her own decisions and it sounds as if she feels you are more of a mum that her biological mother.

You could explore the idea with her that you could have a special name that reflects your relationship with her - maybe Mam or Mamma, if she doesn't think that's too babyish? Mamma B (for bonus mum)?

Its not about you, its not about her "other" mum.
Its not even about MUM.
Its about her, its her way of saying/asking/wanting to feel as your daughter. As loved as your other kids.
If she calls you mum, and thats ok, well that must mean you look on her as a daughter doesnt it? In her 14 yr old mind.
Only shes 14, so she cant verbalise it and probably doesnt even fully understand it herself. Its her defining your relationship, thats her age. Shes at the age where they look around, and try find their place in the world and some meaning in it. Its her finding her anchor.

As difficult as this is I d speak to the mum
and tell her that this is happening and that you wanted her to know out of respect.

That’s so sweet she seems as her mum. If you are worried about her mum getting upset, tell her not to say in front of her. I have a jealous mother who gets angry if I give attention to my aunt so I can see why you are concerned.

To some degree that is your stepdaughter's problem too. What she calls you is how she feels about you. I would just play it down and reduce the issue. It may go away or settle itself. You obviously have a good relationship with her. Don't let anything spoil it.

This is 14 year old speak for “I love you and love that you make me feel safe”. She doesn’t want to make it a big thing but it really is to her. Please just keep doing what you’re doing and let her call you Mum while she does it. She needs you. And well done on the awesome step- parenting 🤍

I remember hearing someone say her step kids called her bonus mum which I thought was nice - made it clear it was not the usual mother relationship but also paid tribute to how the child felt about her.

I suspect she's doing it as a way to punish her mum and feel in a bit more control of that relationship. That is my theory anyway.

What your step daughter calls you is up to her, it shows her love and affection for you. Sounds like the mother will have issues generally so don't let worries about her kicking off inform your actions. As for what family and friends think, it's none of their business.

I agree with PP you've clearly done a great job if she's feeling safe and loved enough to call you mum, given she hasn't said it in front of her biological mother I doubt it's being said to get a rise out of her.
Can you reframe it that you are her bonus mum? If you feel it's important for her sake to correct her to save her from drama then please make it very clear that you love her, you see her the exact same as your biological children, you are her bonus mum and you are so happy she feels that way about you. Then ask her how she thinks others ie her biological mum would react to hearing it and you are worried about her getting grief over it so how can you both come up with a plan/name that shows your love for each other but that won't cause any aggro? You could call each other bonus? She's your bonus daughter, you're her bonus mum and its a special word just for the two of you? Or if that is likely too obvious then mix it up and find a word that works for you both that anyone overhearing won't realise the significance