9 year olds out on their own

I am confident that by that age all the parents round my way would be on the same page.

It's the face you were told he would go and then he didn't which is the issue. My barometer here is if I leave my own child do it, and obviously I've considered and risk assessed it, I let visiting friends do it - walk in nearby woods, walk to the shop ,play outside on green unsupervised. I agree with pp we should be encouraging them more once they are comfortable and able. How did your dc feel? If OK, I'd let it go. My dc has been walking the mile to school since he was 7, with older sibling and doing it aline or cycling the last year. I'm v grateful I can let them have that independence. The most dangerous thing we can do is... put them in a car.. and most of us do that every day.

You really should make such other assumptions for other people’s children. You have no idea of family circumstances.

Do people not know that by about 11 they will just hang around chatting, not really play as such. So people who think a child shouldn't be out playing by 9 should just straight up admit they don't agree a child should ever ever in their entire childhood play outside. When you say it like that do you genuinely think it's a good thing? To live your life without any moments of natural unselfconscious play? Personally I think it is extremely damaging to a child to not be allowed play like this.

Many people would disagree.

I wouldn't think to check with other parents at 9 unless it involved crossing a busy road as I'd assume that of course they're allowed to go to the park.

But its odd because you were told that the dad was going to take them and then he didn't.

Sorry, I misread.
But YABU anyway because she's plenty old enough to go to the park on her own.

This happened to us years ago. Was pregnant with second child. First was 8. No sign of them. “Oh they’re out playing, it’s fine, it’s a gated community”.

Yes, because we all know weirdos don’t live in gated community (with over 200 properties)!

Was bloody furious. Said so. She didn’t go there again.

In principle, this sort of thing is fine. It’s positive to give children the opportunity to have age appropriate levels of independence. However, I’d be mildly irritated to have not been checked with. Some children are not very capable of independence at 9, which a friends parent might not be able to an accurate judgement call on, if they don’t know the child well.

God it wouldn’t even cross my mind that it might not ok to let a group of 9 year olds go to a park 3 streets away. Does your 9 year old really never go anywhere alone?

I think at 9 they should have checked if it was ok. I'd probably stop checking with parents about this at the age of 12/secondary school. So not far off 9 but still a bit young to just assume.

I'd let them know that was actually the first time your child has gone anywhere without an adult and it might make them think twice before they make choices again for other people's children.

9 seems very young to me, wouldn’t love it in they came across eg a roaming dog, or tough kids, and traffic wise it’s have to be a very quiet area.

There were five children who were looking out for each other. You describe it as a new estate, which probably means it has quite a lot of families, as family housing was built. Most parents, most people, would help a child in trouble, if trouble did arise.

Do you genuinely think what the children did was dangerous? If not, why do you think you needed to be asked? Would you have said No if you were asked? If not, then why are you bothered by this? I am saying this to get you to challenge your thinking around this.

Your kid got some independence with her mates. You know she is able to deal with this. All this is a good thing. Only good things have happened here.

Yes you didn't get to steer the boat on this new phase of independence - but does that matter much? Were you planning to do that? Isn't it good it happened if you weren't? Isn't it good it happened if you were?

It doesn’t get any easier and mine are almost 19, 15 and 14. 9 is young but safety in numbers and so long as mine all had the life 360 app on and their location settings on I probably would have been ok with a very local safe park so long as there were no roads involved. My girls are fairly aware and safety conscious but at 9 maybe still a bit naive. It only takes one of them to have an accident and things can escalate quickly. I guess I’d probably in this instance speak to the parent and check out the route they took and if I was comfortable go from there.

9 is quite old enough to have sone independence - they shouldn’t need supervision to go to a nearby park

Is the park a green in the estate?
Maybe the other children they with live in houses along the way. Know where I live if children go to the green in the estate it not really like going off in their own as parents can usually keep eye on them easily enough by wandering out of house or looking out a window. Children are used to going to the green without parents with them so may not have told the parents they going over.

Or did they go out on public main roads where they needed to cross traffic, pass shops, bus stops ... Into a public park

Think this makes a difference.

I posted too soon…

This was probably a really good way for your DD to experience a bit of independence. 5 of them together, short distance away, safe area sounds ideal really. It sounds like it wasn’t ideal for you, but honestly it was probably also good for you too long run. You now know your DD is capable of a little more independence.

Not unreasonable at this age it’s your decision if she can go, however I know my husband wouldn’t have thought to check.

It sounds like going to the park was fine BUT the dad should have told you first.
Even when my 11 year old has friends round I check with the parent if they're ok about them going out alone.

That honestly sounds fine to me, but yes, you should have been told.

The true question isn’t are you okay with this, but do you think other people would be okay with this. Because having 9 year olds be out all day with each other was extremely commonplace as recently as the 80s. And it ain’t all about “we have more cars now” or that people are more likely to be kidnapped (they aren’t). It’s all about people not wanting to look like “bad parents” because of other people’s judgments.