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AIBU?

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Original poster

Abusive ex husband begging to come back back saying he doesn’t remember the past

110 replies

FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 12:11

me again 🙂 long story short I left abusive husband after 17 years he is a Muslim man I am a white woman I say this because I reverted to Islam for him in the end I was forced to cover up,prayer etc so were my children,he was physically,emotionally and financially abusive to us,at the time he was taking a lot of illicit tablets and he ended up trying to take his life he also ended up with psychosis he became quiet and withdrawn the abuse stopped he changed completely I ended up looking after him for around 3 years but in the end I couldn’t take it anymore,he has turned into a slob hardly acknowledging us,doesn’t wash ,no motivation I hate him,I took my children left the city and now we are in temporary accommodation all happy,my ex husband does not leave me alone constantly phoning texting etc,he said he will change,he will do anything I want,my children don’t want him back, he has never begged me before like this,he said he doesn’t remember the stuff he has done and he’s sorry he is begging for one more chance,I don’t love him at all but I feel sorry for him I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
GreenCandleWax · 09/06/2025 14:56

When are you getting a divorce OP? Is your marriage registered? (a legal marriage) or was it a nikkah?

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:55

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 09/06/2025 14:51

Why do you feel sorry for someone who has done such awful things to you and your children?

I honestly don’t know I know I’m been stupid I feel like I need to be told over and over again

OP posts:
murasaki · 09/06/2025 14:53

FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:52

I think I’m so used to been told what to do by him I almost feel like I can’t think for myself I know that’s hard to understand

Show quote history

But you can, and you've proved it by getting away!

That was very brave and took planning. And you did it.

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:53

murasaki · 09/06/2025 14:49

Please block his number. Things feel more visceral when they pop on your phone and you feel you can't ignore them. Much easier to ignore an email.

And then do talk here if you feel like wobbling. You have virtual support here.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:52

GCAcademic · 09/06/2025 12:43

Oh, come on. What do you mean you "don't know what to do"?

You not only don't love the man, you go so far to say you hate him. Your children don't want him back.

Why are you even asking the question? I genuinely don't understand.

I think I’m so used to been told what to do by him I almost feel like I can’t think for myself I know that’s hard to understand

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:51

Okiedokie123 · 09/06/2025 12:23

He doesnt want you - he wants the services you provide. Dont for one second consider saying yes.
Consider how much happier you are now. Safer. Able to make your own choices etc. Your children are happier too. Even though your situation right now isnt fabulous (temporary accomodation, new surroundings etc) you are on the up, on your way to your new you. Keep at it and dont let him change your mind. If you say yes........... you'll be back in the urgh within weeks.

Yes your right thankyou

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 09/06/2025 14:51

Why do you feel sorry for someone who has done such awful things to you and your children?

murasaki · 09/06/2025 14:50

Amd repeat to yourself ' he did this to himself, I am not responsible for him'

murasaki · 09/06/2025 14:49

Please block his number. Things feel more visceral when they pop on your phone and you feel you can't ignore them. Much easier to ignore an email.

And then do talk here if you feel like wobbling. You have virtual support here.

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:49

NewBinBag · 09/06/2025 14:22

Come.on @FastMintSheep

Time to find your anger.

For everytime he hurt you.
For everytime me he upset the kids.
For everytime he made you question yourself.
For making you feel guilty now, when HE should be the one feeling guilt and accepting the consequences of his terrible behaviour.

Each time you find yourself starting to feel sorry for him, stop and reflect on how many times he showed you love, compassion and kindness when you needed it.

Write down all the plusses of being apart & reflect on it often.

You can do this.

Thankyou so much I appreciate your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:48

NewBinBag · 09/06/2025 12:38

I don’t love him at all but I feel sorry for him I don’t know what to do

Do you think it's best for the kids that you go back?

No I know what I have done is for the best but he has such a hold on me

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:45

Tiredofwhataboutery · 09/06/2025 14:19

Are you the same poster where he wanted you to give him money after picketing the kids DLA money for savings they will never see?

Even if not I’d still stay gone, give your kids a chance at growing up in a peaceful and happy home free from abuse.

Yes I am

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/06/2025 14:41

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2025 12:13

You say you’re very lucky not to remember how truly awful you were but unfortunately for me I remember very clearly and we are never ever ever getting back together after how you treated me and your children.

This. And then block.

Whyonearthwouldyou · 09/06/2025 14:39

For the sake of your children (and you, of course!) please don't take a step backwards and allow him back in to your lives.
Be clear to him that you don't want any contact from him (this is his was of continuing an aspect of control). If you need help you can contact police or services that will help you to stop his contact.

L0bstersLass · 09/06/2025 14:29

@FastMintSheep He is a nasty, filthy slob that doesn't deserve you or the children.
You are all happier without him.
He wants a slave.
Keep running.
Tell him he can only contact you by e-mail. These can't be deleted. Set up a dedicated e-mail address for him, not your usual one. Block him on your usual one.
Block his number.
You are in charge of when he gets to contact you.
Be happy.

murasaki · 09/06/2025 14:26

Your kids don't want him back.

That is all you need to focus on.

bombastix · 09/06/2025 14:25

you don’t have relationships with men you feel sorry for.

Btw he remembers just fine. It’s you he wants to forget it, so look sharp and don’t bother with him.

NewBinBag · 09/06/2025 14:22

Come.on @FastMintSheep

Time to find your anger.

For everytime he hurt you.
For everytime me he upset the kids.
For everytime he made you question yourself.
For making you feel guilty now, when HE should be the one feeling guilt and accepting the consequences of his terrible behaviour.

Each time you find yourself starting to feel sorry for him, stop and reflect on how many times he showed you love, compassion and kindness when you needed it.

Write down all the plusses of being apart & reflect on it often.

You can do this.

diddl · 09/06/2025 14:22

my children don’t want him back,

Seems they have more sense than you!

I feel sorry for him I don’t know what to do

Why on earth do you feel sorry for him?

Did he ever feel sorry for you when he was being physically, emotionally & financially abusive to you?

You do know what to do-you have already done it!

Tiredofwhataboutery · 09/06/2025 14:19

Are you the same poster where he wanted you to give him money after picketing the kids DLA money for savings they will never see?

Even if not I’d still stay gone, give your kids a chance at growing up in a peaceful and happy home free from abuse.

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:15

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2025 12:13

You say you’re very lucky not to remember how truly awful you were but unfortunately for me I remember very clearly and we are never ever ever getting back together after how you treated me and your children.

You are 100% right thankyou

OP posts:
Defiantly41 · 09/06/2025 14:15

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

This is by Dayna Craig, and it is so true

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:14

Starlight7080 · 09/06/2025 13:53

You do know what to do. You keep him away from your children and put them first

Yes I know

OP posts:
Mrsbloggz · 09/06/2025 14:12

FastMintSheep · 09/06/2025 14:00

Thankyou I think that’s what I need a bit more support

Show quote history

Part of the reason that you have strong impulses to take him back is that you are 'bonded' to him.
But this bond is not a good thing! It's not a loving, kind bond, instead it is what's generally referred to as a trauma bond, created by the intense emotions that you experience in an abusive relationship.
Distancing yourself, turning down the emotional heat- these are the kinds of things that can help the trauma bond to subside and fall away, freeing you from the impulses to take him back.

Bumblingbee101 · 09/06/2025 14:05

DO NOT GO BACK. Your line that said we are happy. My children do not want him back. That's your answer right there. He sounds awful do not bow down to it. Change all your details and don't tell him. Good luck op!