To think jist feeling this rubbish is mum life reality?

I get the “evening routine” is on me part, as my DH works late shifts, so 4 in 8 I’m always on my own, as well as working full time.
Big game changers for me are showering whilst DD is in the bath. Both in the same room (obviously), but it means I’m clean and in my PJs by the time she goes to bed. Wet hair, if I’ve washed it, starts to dry too, so takes less time to blow dry.

Honestly lower your standards with meals, if the children have a hot meal at lunch, think simple picky plates. You can have so much variety and mine at least eats them really well. I don’t worry too much about odd combinations, just make sure there is carbohydrates, protein and veg. For you, either get a hot meal at work (if time and not too expensive) then you can have a picky plates too. If you want to eat later, plate it up whilst feeding the kids, then it’s less to do and the temptation to order a takeaway isn’t there. I can normally get the dishwasher stacked/kitchen wiped as well. Or as another poster has said, simple protein, steamed veg and jacket potato/sweet potato or something like cous cous you can make very quickly. My air fryer is perfect for this. When your DH is at home, make sure you are having meals that can be batched too, so you’ve got good microwave options in the freezer. I regularly dig out a frozen Dahl, add a naan bread from the freezer and some mango chutney. Life saver after a tough day at work, and we are home late after an activity like swimming lesson. DD will have a packed tea in the car on this evening too, and I change her into PJs at the pool, so it’s straight upstairs for teeth, stories and bed.

I would definitely consider upping your cleaner to weekly OP. And quite honestly, life is really hard working full time in a senior position whilst also caring for small children and running a home. I held a very senior position before DC, I decided to reduce my role slightly so I could work part time as my DH has a big job too and I really wanted to have the balance of time at home whilst maintaining my career. Is part time an option at all?

Definitely get one weekly. Your kids are at very messy ages. You will probably look about 5 years younger next year. Honestly! I look back at photos of me with too little ones and I look grey. And never had a job half as stressful as yours.

Anything at work you can automate/streamline?

Maybe take weekly meetings down to monthly, for example?

I've a teacher for a long time and worked in a lot of schools. I've never known a female Headteacher with very small children. Male ones? Sure. Wife looks after the dc and the house, obvs. Tbh I'd have struggled being a full time teacher at all with that age dc. I certainly wouldn't have been bothering with nail appointments and fake tan

Your DH's job needs to change- working til 12/1 every night?

Cleaners are always pushed on these threads and they just aren’t the answer (imo anyway) - you have to tidy for them which is a massive headache and a lot of them just aren’t very good.

@miniworry i only worked full time briefly after DS. I’m currently three days a week and struggle with that so you’re absolutely NBU. And fifteen months is exhausting. The next twelve months will see a huge change, though

Sorry OP this all sounds very hard.
You & your DH obviously work very hard for what you have (dc at independent school, multiple holidays etc) but I’m of the mind that I would rather have more time for myself and family at home and be content in our everyday life (eg by spending on outsourcing cleaning, me going to bed early & waking before family to get a cuppa / meditation in, DH with DC while I go for a run on a Sunday morning etc), than spending on multiple holidays a year.
To me there is little value in multiple holidays if you are not content / drowning in your everyday life, so I would sacrifice a couple of those for a more regular house clean / exercise class for you.
But I do get that everyone is different in that respect and I am also out of the baby / toddler years which makes things easier xx

I think its pretty normal when kids are young. My two are almost 6 and almost 11 now and I am back to tanning, crossfit, and generally looking after myself. I work full time and find everything hard to fit in and my house is a bit of a dump a lot of the time.

I hear you! Sole parent with no family help of multiples here and I’ve always worked full time in busy stressful jobs (although def not as stressful as yours!) mine are mid primary now, but this is what I did and do

1. cleaner every week for sure! Plus Gardner if needed in season. Car washed in car wash place (kids love that!)
2. 5 uniforms for each child so no mid week washing needed. School lunches for them whether they like it or not!
3. laundry Friday night and sat. Get a machine with timer so one load can be ready to put out when you wake up on sat. sort laundry as it comes off line - non iron stuff folded and put upstairs asap. Ironing all done in one batch on Sunday evening whilst catching up a fave programme.
4. hair dresser that comes to house one midweek evening every 6 weeks. No need for childcare and she can do them too. If it’s someone who can do beauty too then even better!
5. gym / classes not doable! But walking / cycling with kids at weekends is and maybe even park run if it’s your thing!
6. dry shampoo is a saviour!!! I know you’ll already be in school by 7.30 if not before, so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have capacity in mornings!
7. seeing friends is so hard, but maybe schedule phone catch up every half term one evening when kids asleep?

it’s bloody hard and relentless, but if you protect as much of the weekends / holidays as you can for fun family stuff suddenly being a mummy is joyous again in those little bursts xx

I’m a lawyer married to a doctor, both working FT plus. We outsource all cleaning, ironing, gardening, school runs and get groceries delivered weekly. DS is disabled, so between laundry/cooking, keeping on top of DS’ appointments and trying not to look like a frazzled crone, it still feels like a lot. You need more hands on deck!

You have a house worth a £1700 mortgage, a child in private school, a cleaner, and 2 abroad holidays a year. As well as 2 top jobs. Please get some perspective.

She didn’t mention the school fees initially to be fair, it sounds like she would have a lot more disposable income without them

I love all the people saying‘because you’re on an amazing wage’- while op may need to be reminded there’s the possibility of getting someone in, I don’t think she needs to be made feel like she’s on a huge wage, people on decent money are struggling now

No, it’s not reality. You have taken on too much and aren’t outsourcing enough. The only families I know who both are on such demanding full time roles outsource so so much. You will burn out unless you make some changes.
it sounds like your dh isn’t doing 50/50 in the home due to his job. His job seems like an absolute luxury given your circumstances. Unless he’s being paid so much money to be at the companies beck and call like that that you can afford pretty much full time help, then he needs to look for new roles that mean he can take off your plate. But there are surely some things he can do - you seem to be doing the mental load too, can’t he organise stuff remotely if he’s away from home? If he’s working till midnight then presumably he has the morning to batch cook etc.
thr next thing I’d look to drop is the private school. Private school is not worth a mum who has a breakdown.

You are in that zone of both doing stressful, demanding jobs but not in the income category where you can outsource much. I know some people miraculously seem to manage it but I don’t know how. I would definitely see if you can up the cleaner’s hours, but it is still going to be tough. My previous head had young children but joint salary with her DH payed for a nanny and a cleaner. The one before that also had children but her DH was a stay at home dad.

I'm sorry you are feeling under pressure but I can't be the only one thinking you have 6 weeks terms (or less in an independent) so use the VERY LONG SCHOOL HOLIDAYS to get ready for the next term?
Batch prep bags for the slow cooker or air fryer.
Presumably you get a cooked lunch at school so dinner can be something more easy going?

Lots of people are where you are but work all year round.

It does get easier though. I found Year 1 upwards was much easier. Then Year 3 upwards when the kids can dress and get their own breakfast independently (and clean up after) much easier.

Like everything else, this soon shall pass.

I completely hear you re the holidays and how important they are but I'd suggest you need to reduce these a bit in order to pay for more help. Cancel one completely or cut them back a bit and you'll free up th ebudget to make life better on a daily basis.

So yes to a cleaner weekly - and make sure htat includes things like changing bedding, ironing etc. This frees up a lot of the weekend and makes day to day life that bit easier/nicer.

This isn't always great for family time, but for my own mental health, on weekends we had to have at least half a day each to ourselves while the other one handled the kids/chores. Without it we'd have fallen over and I know a lot of people find it outrageous that we weren't cramming "family" time in, but I needed that break. Those few hours where I wasnt' rushing to someone elses schedule. It wasn't unusual for DH to take the DC out and I might be still at home doing a few chores - but it was "pottering" rather than full blown rushing to get 3 loads of washing done because we were so behind.

Also, prioritise things yoyu love. So if you used to do a lot more exercise, how can you make that happen? Do you need to go in the morning while your DH sorts the kids? is it part of your weekend half day to yourself?

If I could afford a cleaner I would switch to Fridays and pay extra for the beds to be changed.

4 year old needs to do "tidy up time" before bed and put toys away. House does not need to be permanently trashed / everything everywhere.

Saturday morning daddy is in charge and you go to a gym class / wash your hair there in peace / then get nails done.

Slow cooker on at weekend. Portions frozen in metal trays which can be heated in the oven.

Life can feel a drudge, need to find ways to make it easier. Lots of great suggestions on this thread

It’s the sleep. Get more sleep and everything else will seem less daunting. I speak as somebody who has very definitely been there. Is there anything you can do to improve DS’s broken nights? A cleaner more often and being kind to yourself about cutting a few corners when it helps (like ready-made meals) will also give you some breathing space.

I think you need to try and pick up just a bit of your old normal, and maybe even something new and different to make you feel better. Don't think about having ALL your stuff, just make sure you get SOME of it.

If you had a haircut every six weeks, try every ten weeks. The last Sunday of the month is your "me day". Go for an extra run each week.

First Tuesday of the month is my "me day" (luckily I WFH) - I work overtime two other days that week so I can take time off during the day to sort out my nails, skin, hair etc.