Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

191 replies

the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 20:51

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

OP posts:
deveronvalley · 09/06/2025 01:06

I also have a shit husband like this. You need to make this happen yourself. Just do it yourself. Learn the sport yourself, take him yourself to training, clubs, classes. Let him spend this time with the male coaches and male volunteers. They can be role models too. The clubs I take my son to are full of hands-on, interested dads and there me one of the few mums watching, supporting and helping out with a useless selfish husband at home having a lie in or going fishing (he never introduced our son to this hobby either).

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2025 00:36

I think that is so sad and I understand completely. I’d have a big conversation with your dh and say I think he’s turning out just as uninvolved as his dad and if it keeps going this way I will think what is the point of being married, at least if we are separated my son won’t be living in a house with a man who virtually ignores him and clearly chooses to go out frequently instead of spending basic time with his son. And that you are hoping your ds is never anything like he is right now as a dad, but for the sake of the relationship you are willing to support as much watching sport and social life as he’s spent time with his children each week. That means no tv or going out for the rest of this week at the moment as you’re not really being a dad are you, but you can catch up tonight as I’m going to pretend I’m you and go out. Maybe again tomorrow night. And the night after I’ll probably be glued to the tv watching some activity I refuse to engage with my kids on. See how you like living with a coparent who’s checked out

if you don’t check this shit fn

Scarydinosaurs · 09/06/2025 00:34

I completely agree that parents should do more with children to engage them with sports.

Your husband does sound shit. So what are you going to do?

If I were you, I would buy a rugby ball, and get my son throwing and catching in the garden. I appreciate you say you have a medical issue with feet, but throwing and catching a ball is really good fun, and anyone can do it.

And yes, ideally, your husband would be the one looking up rugby training, but he hasn’t - so if you want your son to be involved, I would do this. And maybe as your husband is into rugby, he’ll start to take more of an interest.

And I would also get your DD involved too - soon as she’s old enough to play rolling a ball between you get her doing it. Hand eye coordination isn’t just a natural gift - it’s a skill you can work on.

I’m sorry your DH is shit. I hope you can be twice the parent and your kids will benefit from your determination. You sound like a lovely caring mum - no one is perfect, but at least you’re putting your kids first.

Blinkingmarvellous · 09/06/2025 00:26

7 is a good age to start rugby. If you sign your son up for some sessions and dad ends up taking him he may well get drawn in to the life of the club and it could be positive all round. It can be very social for the parents as well as the kids.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 09/06/2025 00:12

Is your DH the biological father to your son? Just curious as you keep saying ‘my son’ and not ‘our son.’ Have you asked your DH why he won’t take him to play football or if he would go out drinking less? I mean, it seems quite obvious but so many people seem frustrated with stuff but don’t actually communicate any of this. Have you told your DH why you think it would be important for him your son to get into football? Maybe he had a different take on what would be good for him.

RickiRaccoon · 08/06/2025 23:59

That's sad. You could tell DH to take him to rugby instead if that's a better bet. If you think the football is important, leave DD with DH and take DS yourself even if you don't participate.

There might be some level of subtle shaming if you take DS instead which might work to make him more involved. You could even up it by asking someone else, like an uncle or grandfather, to take him or kick a ball with him. Otherwise, talk up the involvement of other dads you know. I know someone who made everyone reevaluate how much interest they were taking in their own kids because he was so enthusiastic about his kids and their sports!

Gyozas · 08/06/2025 23:17

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 08/06/2025 20:54

Sounds like it’s not a sports issue just that your husband is a shit dad.

What she said.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/06/2025 23:09

I get it. My sisters kids are dyspraxic and can’t play football to save their lives. They got very upset about being socially excluded in the playground so it is definitely a thing.

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing to develop the skill so stick with it. It might also be worth signing him up for rugby and enduring that too for a bit. DH might get more involved when it’s something he knows and can actually do. There’s a lot of snobbery in rugby circles about football so he may well be avoiding it because he can’t play at all, or understand the rules.

Then there’s his crap attitude, excessive socialising etc. I think the bigger issue is figuring out what you are going to do about that.

thestudio · 08/06/2025 23:06

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 08/06/2025 20:54

Sounds like it’s not a sports issue just that your husband is a shit dad.

This. What are you doing while he plays/watches sport I wonder

is it… doing the oarenting and all the shitwork by any chance?

PullTheBricksDown · 08/06/2025 23:05

dogcatkitten · 08/06/2025 21:37

And why shouldn't she? Sports isn't the sphere of men only for sons.

Show quote history

RTFT, she's explained it several times now!

ReachOutfortheSunshine · 08/06/2025 23:04

Sorry but what a loser of a father..

Lizzbear · 08/06/2025 23:03

Hi op
when my son was younger his dad was fairly old and didn’t really play football with him. Didn’t really bother. But I took
him to local football practice and he wasn’t that good.
But after a few years, he got quite into it. He’s an only child and loves playing football with his mates.
its his social life. But it wasn’t affected by having an older dad who didn’t really encourage him.
Now he’s a young adult, him and his dad watch football games together. So, don’t be too disheartened, they fund their own way

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 22:54

the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:50

Football is part of social interaction for many boys. I’ve heard secondary school teachers say as much - the lads kicking a ball around the yard type thing.

My son also says he likes football. If I was dragging him that would be different but he is happy to go.

I get that some people won’t agree with the hyper focus on football, I just worry my son will be left out socially as he grows older if he can’t play at all.

Show quote history

He will be just fine! :)

Original poster
the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:50

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 22:44

I just think you are hyper focusing on a minor issue (kid not being great at football) and could be addressing DH family issues instead

i read your posts and think okay so your kid isn’t going to be good at football, shame but move on. Lots of girls and boys aren’t good at specific hobbies, they are good at other things, have fulfilling lives and thrive!

Edited

Football is part of social interaction for many boys. I’ve heard secondary school teachers say as much - the lads kicking a ball around the yard type thing.

My son also says he likes football. If I was dragging him that would be different but he is happy to go.

I get that some people won’t agree with the hyper focus on football, I just worry my son will be left out socially as he grows older if he can’t play at all.

OP posts:
Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 22:44

I just think you are hyper focusing on a minor issue (kid not being great at football) and could be addressing DH family issues instead

i read your posts and think okay so your kid isn’t going to be good at football, shame but move on. Lots of girls and boys aren’t good at specific hobbies, they are good at other things, have fulfilling lives and thrive!

Original poster
the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:31

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 22:14

I don’t know, you seem convinced it’s your husbands fault your son isn’t good at football. I think your husband has many faults by the sound of it but I actually don’t think it’s fair to blame your husband for this (while not actually kicking a ball around with your son yourself!!).

Your husband could kick a ball with your son and your son could still be bad at football…

Show quote history

As I have explained many times I cannot kick a ball. I was born with an issue with my feet for starters. My son doesn’t have the same issue. So can you stop with the !!

Yes I do think my son would be better at football if he has some individual attention and someone to explain the rules. The same way his reading got better when he got more attention.

And many many kids have invested dads, I see them on the sidelines.

OP posts:
Original poster
the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:25

CarpetKnees · 08/06/2025 21:47

I think they are separate things.

Your dh not kicking a ball around with your dc is neither here nor there.
My dh never did with our dc, but all of them have grown up fine and all of them play in sports teams, as adults. Your dh not playing with them isn't relevant at all.

OTOH, your dh not showing any interest in his dc, and not doing anything to engage them in anything is a completely different issue and a far bigger issue.

So, IMO YABU to think your dh should kick a ball around with your dc because he is male but you don't have to.
BUT
YANBU to think he should
a) want to interact with his dc
b) even if he doesn't particularly want to do a particular activity with them, that he should understand that it is just part of parenting.

I’ve been mulling over the YABU point.

If my husband was a man completely uninterested in sport that would be one thing.

But he is into sport, he is capable of teaching DS skills which I don’t have but DH does, but he’ll dismiss my son as football is not his thing, without once trying to teach him or help him. He has also never spent a second as far as I can tell thinking about what his thing might be.

My son claims to like football, he dresses in all the gear & wants football cards like his friends. Im uncertain what level of understanding he has about how far behind he is.

DS will walk into the room where DH is watching rugby and say “is that our team Dada?”. So he is trying to get involved and not getting much of a response.

I think the only thing I can practically do is book my son into stuff and tell my husband he is taking him.

I’ll have to work more on accepting that my DH won’t ever be proactive about any of it, won’t help my DS with any of it outside of taking him there & back. I feel that is robbing my DS of an experience many kids have with their dads and I’m frustrated about it.

I think DH’s new found increase in social life is pushing me over the edge. He lights up about spending time with the lads. His dad also has tons of male friends and they all also watch rugby and golf together.

OP posts:
Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 22:14

the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:11

My son is likely never going to be great at football. I’ve no issue with that. I would however like him to get to a level where he can actually play so in years to come if a bunch of teenagers are kicking a ball around he can join in.

I think he could get there with help. His physical ability is ok (whereas mine wasn’t), he’s big for his age & pretty strong, he likes the start of training where they play games. Once they start playing matches he doesn’t know what’s going on.

A lot of dads are very involved. The coaches are all dads. One of the coaches has shown more interest in my son’a football than my DH ever has.

Show quote history

I don’t know, you seem convinced it’s your husbands fault your son isn’t good at football. I think your husband has many faults by the sound of it but I actually don’t think it’s fair to blame your husband for this (while not actually kicking a ball around with your son yourself!!).

Your husband could kick a ball with your son and your son could still be bad at football…

nopineapplepizza · 08/06/2025 22:12

I’d suggest that your DH’s love of sports goes hand in hand with his dislike of hands-on-parenting. I.e. he does/watches sport to avoid having to parent.

You say your FIL openly regrets being a hands-off father, could you ask him to speak to his son and explain what he would have done differently if given the chance, &/or would your FIL play sports with your DS?

It seems like you do the bulk of the parenting and it’s a very small ask for your DH to do this. But from the outside looking in it seems as if your DH just doesn’t give enough of a shit to do this for his son.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 22:11

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 21:57

I agree with PP, you’re sad your husband isn’t investing time in your son in general. He’s not interested or particularly loving.

The sports thing is a red herring. you have signed your kid up for coaching, if he’s not doing well with the coaching, he might not be a sporty kid naturally (you say you aren’t?)

My son is likely never going to be great at football. I’ve no issue with that. I would however like him to get to a level where he can actually play so in years to come if a bunch of teenagers are kicking a ball around he can join in.

I think he could get there with help. His physical ability is ok (whereas mine wasn’t), he’s big for his age & pretty strong, he likes the start of training where they play games. Once they start playing matches he doesn’t know what’s going on.

A lot of dads are very involved. The coaches are all dads. One of the coaches has shown more interest in my son’a football than my DH ever has.

OP posts:
BastardesEverywhere · 08/06/2025 21:57

And also...if he moans about it being boring/raining/early/whatever, tell him to STFU and pull his big boy pants up.

I have 3 ds's. And I have zero interest in sports...any really. I must have spent months of my life on football, rugby and cricket pitches over the years, cheering for teams I don't give a shit about who are playing a sport I couldn't care less about 😂 It's just what you do.

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 08/06/2025 21:57

I agree with PP, you’re sad your husband isn’t investing time in your son in general. He’s not interested or particularly loving.

The sports thing is a red herring. you have signed your kid up for coaching, if he’s not doing well with the coaching, he might not be a sporty kid naturally (you say you aren’t?)

BastardesEverywhere · 08/06/2025 21:50

Yanbu op and your oh sounds a bit shit. However, assuming you don't want to LTB, reading 500 posts telling you he's shit isn't going to help.

Practically, in your shoes, I would pick two activities/sports for ds...ask him what he likes. Make the arrangements, sign him up...but make sure that training/matches/meets or whatever are times and days your oh is free.

Then tell your oh, 'Oh, Billy has rugby on Tuesdays at 6 and Basketball on Saturdays at 1. Here are all the details. I think it would be nice for you to take him to these two, make it a father son thing'.

If he agrees and starts going, well...it still would have been nicer if he'd been a bit more proactively interested BUT at least they're going.

If he outright refuses or argues...well you have bigger issues tbph.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 08/06/2025 21:48

Minimalistmamaoftwo · 08/06/2025 21:26

The problem is sports for boys and girls can be really important in the teen years to help steer them away from problem behaviours including gaming which is addictive and obviously provides no physical benefits, it’s so odd that your husband is steering him towards this as such a young age rather than channeling him into a sport which could provide friendships and life skills in his teen years and beyond. He’s doing him a disservice. People with successful teens are those whohave their kids in lots of extracurricular, whether sporting or otherwise. Teens who don’t have something going on in their life have a void to fill. You sound like a lovely mum and he’s letting you and your son down. Could you talk to him about his long term effects of having interests

Some of it is this.

I’m really not a perfect parent, I cannot stress that enough, but I think about my kids future whereas I don’t think DH thinks about the future full stop.

We are constantly being told that screens are destroying concentration & mental health. I don’t want the only thing my husband & son do together to involve a screen.

We also have a lot of rows about turning TV off with my son, I don’t want another screen to battle about.

I also worry that it will start oh it’s only Minecraft and suddenly it won’t be just Minecraft it will be other stuff.

I accept that I’ll have to give in at some stage, but I’ll hold out as long as I can.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 08/06/2025 21:47

I think they are separate things.

Your dh not kicking a ball around with your dc is neither here nor there.
My dh never did with our dc, but all of them have grown up fine and all of them play in sports teams, as adults. Your dh not playing with them isn't relevant at all.

OTOH, your dh not showing any interest in his dc, and not doing anything to engage them in anything is a completely different issue and a far bigger issue.

So, IMO YABU to think your dh should kick a ball around with your dc because he is male but you don't have to.
BUT
YANBU to think he should
a) want to interact with his dc
b) even if he doesn't particularly want to do a particular activity with them, that he should understand that it is just part of parenting.