For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

Why does it need to be dad taking him to football ? Why can’t you teach him this life skill

I hate all sports but have taken my son and daughter to little kickers and rugger bugs it’s just what you do on sat morning ( yes it’s massive drag I hate it)

it’s a bit lazy if dad he needs to step up a bit

Give up trying to force something, yes.

You can speak to your husband, you can tell him how you feel, but the kind of parent he is? That’s up to him. Not you. You cannot force him to be a good dad, you cannot force him to try harder. He either will or he won’t, but forcing them together is going to damage their relationship more than anything else- dad will be resentful he’s being made to do something so will half arse it, child will feel like a pain for being the reason dad was forced.

To all those saying why can't she do it..right now maybe it's fine but my teen son doesn't want his mum rocking up to events or training with him, or to go on a run with him.. he'd love his disinterested, divorced dad to be around more and willing to do those things but he's not and as a result, ds has become increasingly inactive. I hope the OPs H steps up.

Of course he can be better. But you can’t really make him change his personality. Unless there’s been some massive change recently and he used to be better at it before having two kids / changing jobs / something else happening. Involved parents are involved from day 1 and I’m guessing he never really was (but hopefully I’m wrong!)

No reason to accept this in your life but I can’t see how you can force him to do anything. He can just continue to refuse?

If you want to wait it out, he might get better as the kids get older. Some parents thrive at different stages. But to be honest by 7 years in he should have found something he enjoys about parenting by now.

I know the issue here is more your husband’s attitude. That aside - surely it’s about finding something that is fun to do together (which your husband maybe needs to get his head around). (I’m a woman by the way) I couldn’t stand taking my son to ‘a sport’ and just hanging around. Boring! Instead I find stuff I can participate in with him. We’ve just started karate together. My partner and I take it in turns to take him swimming - as in swim with him. He’ll do a few lengths with whoever takes him then play. We both cycle with him and walk with him. I race my bike, my son races his bike - I pick races where there are separate adult races, where there are also kids races on the same day. My son (who’s 8) doesn’t play football and hasn’t ever shown any interest (but football isn’t a thing in our family). It doesn’t seem to have impacted him socially or in terms of friends at school. He’s made friends with other kids in our cycling club. I’m sure he’ll make friends through karate - there were other kids there the same age.

Unfortunately he's a very poor father, Op. Growing up my ds did gymnastics, judo, karate, swimming and briefly, rugby. He also tried his hand at basketball. My dh was very involved, interested and supportive and we would take him to classes either one of us or together. Dh was always there at tournaments and events. We both encouraged him. Dh took Ds to swimming lessons himself (as I worked at the time of the lesson) and despite never having played rugby himself would take ds to the park to play and catch the ball. He never missed a sports day. He was and still is a great and involved dad despite ds now being a young adult. Sadly, I don't think you can make someone be a present and engaged father but you need a serious conversation that doesn't result in him stepping up just the once. but permanently.

Sorry if been mentioned but can your son not try rugby if you can persuade his dad to take him?

None of my kids did football, nor their friends and I can’t think of any of my friends kids that did either bar one girl!

The thing is @the7Vabo it actually doesn’t matter whatsoever what YOU think is important, or what professionals think is important re dad & son relationships, what matters is what your husband thinks and wants to do.

What you should have learned from all of your reading is that parents have to WANT to be good parents, you cannot be forced to be a good dad and you don’t get to decide what makes a good dad- only your husband can do that. Forcing your husband to do things or go to things is only going to make things worse because children know when a person doesn’t want to do something, it will do nothing whatsoever for them to have you orchestrating things. He’s not the dad you want him to be, he never will be.

Bluntly, so what, though? I grew up with a mother who left school at 13 and married at 20 into a family of men (my father, his father, his uncle, his brother) and skivvied for them, and a father who regarded his contribution as paying the bills. That's not the way I choose to see gender roles. DH's dad couldn't boil an egg, but he's a brilliant cook.

I think you're getting unnecessary stick on here for the "DH male = should do the sport" thing.

Yes, women can play and encourage sport with their sons, and take out the bins and do the garden and all that.

But when they're doing that AND EVERYTHING ELSE, it's natural to internally scream "Can't you at least fucking do the stuff that normal mediocre fathers do rather than being an extra-specially shit one?"

Is he taking your DD to toddler dance or ballet, OP? Because dads can do that too, you know.

My brother was 3 years older than me. I am female. We both are/were very sporty, but our parents were not particularly. They did take us to extra practices though (mostly my father taking us so you have a point there).
Being sporty myself, despite being younger, I used to play football and other sports with my brother for hours. So don't write off your daughter as a sporty playmate for your son.

Oh that's such a shame.

I don't think you are unreasonable to think that your DH could be doing a lot more to engage with DS about football, and it's disappointing that he isn't when he has such a social interest in the sport himself.

Regarding the football skills specifically, I do think you might be slightly misattributing the problem. From what you say, it's not ball skills and co-ordination that your DS is struggling with - it's understanding the rules and lacking tactical awareness. I don't think that comes just from kicking a ball around with dad, but from watching games and talking about what the players are doing.

I had a very sporty housemate who enjoyed football and I learned a lot from watching matches with him, just from comments he made like "he's way out of position" or "he's making a run" or commenting on attacking players making space for themselves in the box, or evading their marker or whatever. That taught me a lot about the flow of the game and how teams work together to attack/defend.

Are there opportunities you can create for DS to hear / take part in conversations like that? Even watching a game with him on TV and talking through when it's a corner vs goal kick, offside or throw in (and to which team) etc might go a long way to helping him understand the mechanics of playing as part of a team - and his role within that team.

Your husband sounds like the issue as others have pointed out.

However, why dont you take the opportunity to do something about it. My mum used to coach a 5 aside team back in the 80's. She took my brother to all his matches and the team asked her to step up as she was a constant.

Have you got any siblings into football? Any family friends who play/have played? Speak to them and ask for their help. In other words SHAME your DH into seeing what he should be doing.

Sport is not just a male domain. Get involved yourself and enjoy the fun. DH can look after your DD while you are away or maybe even get her involved. Football is a girls sport too.

If DH isnt going to step up then show him what he is missing out on.

Why can't you take him or can only men do it? Are you being a good woman and teaching your daughter to cook for her man? It's not the 1800's you can take your son yourself?

I'd keep going as you are OP, and perhaps get your DS some extra coaching as well. Your H is not going to step up here unfortunately.

He could introduce him to golf, if he likes playing golf. It doesn’t have to be football.

'DS already refuses to turn off TV when asked'

Oof. Is your dh at least on the same page with you about that? A coparent who will put up with the whinging when you enforce whatever rule you have agreed for your household? Or a quisling who doesn't tolerate the moaning and stops helping to enforce?

If your DH wasn't into sport himself, I'd say YABU, but the fact that he's massively into sport and still won't engage with his own child on any of it is really shitty of him - YANBU at all.

It's not even just about sport, really, it's about parents engaging with their kids and encouraging and supporting them on shared interests. If your husband was a keen cook, but refused ever to cook with your child, I'd be saying the same thing.

Also, saying he won't take your son to football training because it's 'boring' is just rubbish parenting. Most kids' activities are boring. Nobody really enjoys, eg, sitting there for an hour at 8am on a Saturday while their child flaps about learning to doggy-paddle in their swimming lessons, or ferrying them about to Cubs or what-have-you. But that's just parenting, isn't it? Sometimes you have to do tedious things for your kids. Your DH sounds like a lazy twat if he can't be arsed to share that load with you.

YANBU

Sport is not the only way for dads to be involved in their children's lives but it tends to be a practical, accessible way to do it, especially if there are more traditional roles of breadwinner/ carer and a less even distribution of time spent with the children.

It's an easy, quality bonding time opportunity, especially when dads are interested in sport anyway. Adult social time is important but not as a priority over a practical relationship with children.

With his current attitude, there won't be much depth to his relationship with his children as they grow up. They won't be little forever. Even in 10 years as teenagers, parenting will become much more about the quality of the relationship and without an emotional depth and mutual respect, parenting older children will become tough and breed resentment.

I totally agree with you op. Your DH sounds very lazy...he likes gaming with him because it takes no effort. Sport is really good for kids....and honestly for the parents it can be a big commitment and a lot of time. My ds would do football training twice a week...and matches which were often early in the morning and miles away. It's a sacrifice that many many parents make because they know how important it is for their kids.

@the7Vabo I hear you but we really are 0% involved. My husband reads a book, I chat to some of the other parents. We don’t practice with him at all and I barely know the names of the kids on his team. So literally just a lift.

my daughter does ballet - it’s always been dropoff so that doesn’t require anything except a lift. I do all the rest of it though - sorting uniforms and bookings extra classes and reminding her to practice. My husband has zero involvement minus half the driving.

the difference is that they have other things they do together - activities are for them and friends, weekend activities and board games and - yes - some video game time is for family time.