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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Insist He Forgive and Forget

70 replies

UnreliableMemory · 08/06/2025 19:52

I've posted before, same shit different day I guess, but my patience with DH is wearing thin. We've been together a very long time, but somewhere in the middle I was unfaithful more than once. We looked to have got over it, moved house, had kids (in their teens now), and settled down. Thing is, for the past 2 years or so he increasingly brings up my infidelity at every opportunity, especially in bed. I've tried being patient and to answer all of his questions, no matter how repetitive they get, but he's adamant my accounts aren't inconsistent or there's more to tell than he already knows. if there is it's insignificant to me. It's become a barrier to intimacy and sex, and I know we're both frustrated.

It's so long ago now, AIBU to insist he either gets over it and doesn't raise it again?

OP posts:
cranberryshortcake · 08/06/2025 20:16

You can try and insist that somebody else gets over something, but that doesn’t mean they actually will.

His behaviour is reasonable and this problem is your fault.

3luckystars · 08/06/2025 20:16

Have you any idea what has brought it all up again for him now?

Were you married when you were unfaithful all those years ago? Did you split up and then get back together?

What happened at the time, did he catch you or did you come clean. Any chance he is having an affair himself now?

Affairs are just the gift that keeps on giving aren’t they.

Omeara · 08/06/2025 20:12

It was a long time ago, he needs to either leave it in the past or choose to separate.

Cherrysoup · 08/06/2025 20:11

From what I’ve repeatedly read on here, it’s very normal to request clarification, details, repeated telling of what exact happened. I think Yabu to say pretty much everything. Of course it’s a barrier to intimacy, he’s clearly finding it increasingly difficult to overcome.

Panterusblackish · 08/06/2025 20:10

LegoAirlines · 08/06/2025 19:53

What you did was unforgivable.

He should leave you.

Oh get a bloody grip.

Everyone makes mistakes. Honestly you'd think that all men were having affairs with the same woman the way Mumsnet goes on about it. Women have affairs too, women make mistakes to. So many virginal puritanicals around here. So dramatic. You have no idea what kind of place the OP was in at the time.

Personally I respect her bravery coming forward and admitting an affair on here given that the permanently offended pearl clutchers will be positively salivating at their opportunity to cast the first stone.

I'd set a time limit and go to couples counselling. If he can't let it go which would be absolutely fair enough then the relationship is dead.

Honestly it sounds like he is punishing you, which isn't doing either of you any good.

paddyclampster · 08/06/2025 20:10

How long ago were you unfaithful?

Maybethisallthereis · 08/06/2025 20:10

You cheated more than once?? Poor bloke why did he stay? He needs to leave you.

Gcsunnyside23 · 08/06/2025 20:09

I think you need to do couples counselling if this is still weighing so heavily on him after many many years. You don't get to tell him to let it go and brush it off as insignificant

Ponoka7 · 08/06/2025 20:06

Going against the grain, but twenty ish years ago you were unfaithful and it's now bothering him? He's either looking for an excuse to split, or, as said, is projecting, or just wants a stick to beat you with. You don't have to live with this. You do have the right to question why it's now an issue when it wasn't pre children. It might be an aging lack of confidence on his part. But you putting your foot down will start a conversation about what's going on. Also you absolutely don't need to leave. What he's doing is emotionally abusive, so you stay put while you divorce, if needs be.

Jesswebster01 · 08/06/2025 20:05

Have you tried couples counselling?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/06/2025 20:05

@UnreliableMemory

You don’t get to tell him how to feel or what to do.

If you don’t like the way he’s handling you cheating on him then leave him.

You get no sympathy from me. You made your bed, so lie in it.

ZoggyStirdust · 08/06/2025 20:02

MayaPinion · 08/06/2025 19:56

You don’t get to decide his emotions. Either commit to the relationship - individual and couples therapy, demonstrating that your relationship is the most important thing to you, seeking to understand why you chose to hurt him and risk your family in the first place, or split, because this won’t get better until he is satisfied that you are truly remorseful.

This
youre in no position to insist. You need to show continued and consistent trustworthiness and openness. The same as any man who had an affair would be told to do.

Dweetfidilove · 08/06/2025 20:00

You can't insist he forgives and forgets, but you can leave.

BeEagerTurtle · 08/06/2025 19:58

MayaPinion · 08/06/2025 19:56

You don’t get to decide his emotions. Either commit to the relationship - individual and couples therapy, demonstrating that your relationship is the most important thing to you, seeking to understand why you chose to hurt him and risk your family in the first place, or split, because this won’t get better until he is satisfied that you are truly remorseful.

^^ this

ZoggyStirdust · 08/06/2025 19:57

Blodyneighbour · 08/06/2025 19:56

He may be doing the exact same thing you did. And he's projecting, especially if he was already over it.

Fucks sake
what a leap

Blodyneighbour · 08/06/2025 19:56

He may be doing the exact same thing you did. And he's projecting, especially if he was already over it.

MayaPinion · 08/06/2025 19:56

You don’t get to decide his emotions. Either commit to the relationship - individual and couples therapy, demonstrating that your relationship is the most important thing to you, seeking to understand why you chose to hurt him and risk your family in the first place, or split, because this won’t get better until he is satisfied that you are truly remorseful.

TiredMame · 08/06/2025 19:55

As above.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/06/2025 19:55

He needs to either let it go or leave you.

It's a reason why I wouldn't stay if I was cheated on. I might be able to forgive but I wouldn't forget or let it go.

LegoAirlines · 08/06/2025 19:53

What you did was unforgivable.

He should leave you.

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