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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sitting in a Premier Inn

240 replies

sittinginapremierinn · 08/06/2025 16:32

Was I unreasonable to just walk out - only for the night probably

Married 25 years to a sulker. As they all say, 95% on the time decent bloke, does his share, helped with the kids and dogs. But and it’s a big but every now and then he finds a reason to sulk. He pulls his faces, silent treatment, he’s ‘fine’, creates an atmosphere. I usually try to ignore, try to engage, wait it out etc. When he comes out of it he apologises and says he doesn’t know why he does it.

He’s been sulking all weekend for some misdemeanour I’ve committed, I don’t know what. I’ve lost it, booked a premier inn and walked out. He can sort out the sulk himself. Told the kids (18 and 23) I’m fine I just need a break. Packed a bag will go to work from here tomorrow.

I deserve better than that.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 08/06/2025 20:17

It might be time to pack a bag for HIM, you mean? As the sulker, he should be the one to leave.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 08/06/2025 20:13

I've got a male colleague sulking with me at the moment. It's pathetic and I'm just ignoring it. I've nothing to apologise for. I do wonder if he behaves like that with his family. Sulking is abusive behaviour. Enjoy a lovely night's sleep on one of the comfy beds they have in PI.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 08/06/2025 20:03

You say you think he does this to control you and to force you to think you need him.

If you told him that his behaviour was demonstrating to you that you really didn’t need him, and that if he did it again you would leave permanently, how would he react?

cryptide · 08/06/2025 19:59

sittinginapremierinn · 08/06/2025 18:52

@StripeyanddottyIt’s interesting you mention the kids. One of his methods of control was the fact I didn’t want his sulks to impact on them. When he sulked I worked harder to try to make sure they didn’t know what was going on. However, they did see me getting upset sometimes and I think they probably thought it was me that was the issue. They might think that now as I’m the one who is in the hotel. I’m not going to drag the kids into this though and try to justify myself.
Genuinely, most of the time he is great - no I don’t believe it when I read that from other posters either. To be honest if this works for me I might just keep a bag packed and expect to spend 3 nights a year in a premier inn while he sorts himself out. I feel fine, if I was at home, he’d be sulking, I’d be tense and I’d end up in tears. As it is happy days.

I suspect they may have noticed more than you think - children tend to. In any event, it's probably time at the very least to let them know that sulking in an adult is, quite simply, pathetic and unacceptable. Otherwise they will end up copying him, and their respective partners may well be less forbearing.

Cherrysoup · 08/06/2025 19:55

He’s not ‘genuinely great’, though, is he, doing this multiple times a year like a complete arsehole. Why should you have to leave your home? Why doesn’t he fuck pff and sulk alone elsewhere? All respect to you, tho, for getting a take away/bath stuff/wine. Go, girl! I would, however, massively query what the dc think. Kids aren’t stupid so if he’s done this thorough out your marriage, I guarantee they knew and have been affected. Behaviour is cyclical: do either of them behave similarly?

spicemaiden · 08/06/2025 19:42

DangerousPills · 08/06/2025 19:35

My mum behaved like this. It was more damaging than anything else in my shitty childhood. I resent it so much and I am in my fifties. I hope your kids aren’t being damaged by this.

Sorry just to add, good for you. Think about what you want to do in the long run. You deserve better.

Edited

Same.

MarySueSaidBoo · 08/06/2025 19:39

DH used to do this, and like you, I reacted. So one day, I just stopped. Completely ignored his cat bum face, sighs. Just carried on regardless. It seriously took the wind out of his sails and he kept looking at me as if to say what's going on. Didn't address it at all, not even when he'd come out of it. No sarcastic "oh you're talking no", nothing. It really did put a stop to it.

Don't go back and talk about it. Ignore it. Act as if it's perfectly normal. Because if you give him any reaction at all, he wins.

TheSilentSister · 08/06/2025 19:39

Not that it's your problem OP but he needs to learn techniques to manage his feelings. Rather than sulk and not talk to anyone, he needs to take himself off to reflect, maybe write it all down, off load to himself, take a big breath and come back - after a reasonable time, not talking hours here.
In the meantime, enjoy your takeaway, wine and freeview. Well done you for taking a stand.

DangerousPills · 08/06/2025 19:35

My mum behaved like this. It was more damaging than anything else in my shitty childhood. I resent it so much and I am in my fifties. I hope your kids aren’t being damaged by this.

Sorry just to add, good for you. Think about what you want to do in the long run. You deserve better.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 08/06/2025 19:34

Excellent thing to do. Sometimes even the good guys need to be reminded how much you do and how much they owe you.

I've been married 40 years. We have a little seaside flat about 50 miles from our home. Since I retired 8 years ago I've built up from spending 2/4 days a month there with DH to spending an additional 10/12 days there on my own because DH is still working.

I love the peace and quiet, walks on the beach, only a small space to keep clean and not having to cook. I'm perfectly happy to eat fruit, salad, yogurt and eggs every day.

It wasn't my intention when this pattern developed but after all these years DH has suddenly realised that the house needs cleaning, food needs to be bought and cooked, laundry needs to be done, dishwashers don't empty themselves. It's been amazing. A total reset for our relationship.

Terrribletwos · 08/06/2025 19:34

@sittinginapremierinn Good for you for distancing yourself.

I do think, though, that now your kids are old enough you shouldn't be shielding them but telling them exactly why you are staying away from your husband, perhaps they'll understand.

spicemaiden · 08/06/2025 19:34

Go for it.

LookingForHelp2023 · 08/06/2025 19:33

An apology without a change in behaviour is just manipulation by another name

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 08/06/2025 19:33

Excellent thing to do. Sometimes even the good guys need to be reminded how much you do and how much they owe you.

I've been married 40 years. We have a little seaside flat about 50 miles from our home. Since I retired 8 years ago I've built up from spending 2/4 days a month there with DH to spending an additional 10/12 days there on my own because DH is still working.

I love the peace and quiet, walks on the beach, only space to keep clean and not having to cook. I'm perfectly happy to eat fruit, salad, yogurt and eggs every day.

It wasn't my intention when this pattern developed but after or years DH has suddenly realised that the house needs cleaning, food needs to be bought and cooked, laundry needs to be done, dishwashers don't empty themselves. It's been amazing. A total reset for our relationship.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/06/2025 19:31

You are right and he is very unreasonable.
Sulking is to be left in childhood. It is not for a relationship between equals!

Enjoy your stay and relax.

Demand an apology and then return making it clear that you enjoyed your time out .

Plan an even better break for next time - something you can look forward to.

His sulking should not be a punishment for you.

ohfourfoxache · 08/06/2025 19:28

God he sounds like a complete arsehole

IIWY I’d be staying in the hotel until he begged for forgiveness. What he’s doing is abusive

Satisfiedkitty · 08/06/2025 19:26

Sulking until you cave is manipulative behaviour. Absolutely grey rock and take yourselves away for a night, but just make sure you recognise it for what it is.

Alwaysinamood · 08/06/2025 19:25

Why accept this as normal as it really isn’t?! Why should you have to go and stay in a premier inn everytime? It shouldn’t even happen at all!

Easyonaweekend · 08/06/2025 19:25

sittinginapremierinn · 08/06/2025 17:56

He sulks until I crack, I start crying, I lose my temper, I attempt to reason with him. It’s power, he wants me to need him. Then he apologises and (sometimes) starts crying, there’s drama and all we talk about is him and how he wants to change.
I can not be arsed with it, that’s why I left. I know the pattern, it’s tedious and exhausting. I’m sitting here quite happy. I passed a Sainsbury’s and bought myself some expensive bath/body stuff, I’ll have a bath and relax.

He does apologise, he does recognise - afterwards - what he does. I can not be arsed going through the drama to get to the point where he sees the light. He acts like the stereotype of a flouncy 13 year old girl. He’s nearly fucking 50.
I’m hoping by the time I get back tomorrow evening he’s at the realising stage and I’ve not had to go through the drama. I haven’t got tears to waste on his delayed adolescence.

But then .Genuinely, most of the time he is great

you have to be joking Op???!

Butchyrestingface · 08/06/2025 19:24

Maybe this is what you need to do whenever he sulks - book a Premier Inn (finances depending).

Easyonaweekend · 08/06/2025 19:24

Poor kids, albeit adult, being left with him! Did you offer for them to join you?

what a shit life OP. For you. And for your kids.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/06/2025 19:23

If you do it three nights a year, he's going to find something else though isn't he? Would he see a therapist?

Horses7 · 08/06/2025 19:21

Good for you - total respect!

fetchacloth · 08/06/2025 19:20

I endured years of that behaviour in my previous marriage, I was a shell at the end of it.
Life's too short to be unhappy OP💐

Roselilly36 · 08/06/2025 19:20

I dont blame you OP, awful way to live if you are treading on eggshells. Take tonight to think. Wishing you all the very best.