Sitting in a Premier Inn

@sittinginapremierinn well done you. Did you hear back from him?

You clearly don’t understand coercive control if you think that her leaving was giving him something he wanted; he didn’t want a night to himself.

The OP has zero intention is leaving him. Afterall remember the OP thinks he is a 'genuinely good guy' (not sure I will trust the OP on that judgement but anyway...). He will know that.

And so what if the OP makes a night away in PI a regular thing, he will know she's returning and just start to enjoy the night to himself, like the OP enjoys her night to herself

Depressing really. Bugger all will change. I bet the children are counting the days until they can move out from this environment

What lesson? Seriously?

His wife went off for a night away. The OP has NO intention of ending it. He will know that.

I would wager a lot, he ordered a takeaway, cracked open a beer, had a late night, enjoyed bed to himself. And Will crack on ignoring the OP when she returns.

I lived with a sulker hes now an ex.

I've been single a 11 years now and no plans to change it.

I couldn't stick this I'm afraid, my ex husband used to do it constantly. That's why he's my ex.

My ex was a sulker……..in fact if there was an Olympic category for it he would win gold! I worked out that sulking was his way of not admitting that he was wrong, that his opinion differed to that of others. He lacked the ability to openly discuss and work towards an agreeable resolution…..because in his world that was admitting defeat.

OP, did you say anything to him on your way out, or did you just bugger off?

Either is perfectly reasonable!

i was just wondering if he's texted or tried to call you at all?

I hate being around people who sulk. I dated a man like that, never again, it was on my non negotiable list when I met DH.
He needs to try change otherwise he'll get worse with age.

I could have written this myself 5 years ago. Absolutely word for word. My husband would claim that he couldn’t control it, he was overwhelmed by emotions he couldn’t cope with and he shut down. I am pretty certain that it was totally within his control, that it was done to exert power over me…… mixed with being emotionally stunted and unable to have a mature conversation.

One day I snapped and told him that I just wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. It was unacceptable behaviour, bordering on abusive/controlling behaviour. I told him that every time he did it, it made me love him a tiny bit less and that one day he will have done it one too many times and I wouldn’t love him enough to stay together. I wouldn’t be able to keep coming back from it. I explained fully how upsetting it was and the anxiety/fear I felt when he did it to me, how I couldn’t sleep.

He went to therapy, did CBT to work through his stress and anxiety. And he is loads better at talking about his emotions and verbalising if he is upset with me about something. And we talk it through.

I think you need to draw the same line in the sand with your husband. You just won’t put up with it any longer. You are going to stay at the hotel tonight and he needs to commit to change and getting help…….. or you won’t be coming back.

The point of silent treatment is to make the other person suffer, walk around on egg shells, then break and beg for forgiveness/attention/some sort of response. It’s power.
He didn’t want a night alone with a take away, bed to himself and a quiet morning. He wants to use his silent treatment to force the OP to feel awful and upset and beg him to stop, so he can then have his drama and cry and and make her feel worse. It’s all about power and control. He didn’t get to have that last night, because she left.

She did teach him a lesson and she needs to keep teaching it. He doesn’t get what he wants with the silent treatment, he doesn’t get to control her and make her so uncomfortable in her own home that he cries.

You clearly don’t understand coercive control if you think that her leaving was giving him something he wanted; he didn’t want a night to himself.

She still needs to leave him because he’ll keep doing it, but will now up the ante and do more because she is pushing back. But at least while she sorts herself out to leave, she knows she can take this power away from him. And he isn’t getting what he wants.

This is certainly an answer. Though, OP has waited it out in the past and he still does it.

@sittinginapremierinn IMHO it’s how you come out of it that needs to change. When you return, try to avoid all the emotion, apologies, crying etc. I’d be your usual pleasant self but very assertively and calmly say something like:

• It’s unacceptable behaviour and has gone on too long
• You don’t want to live with, or be in an intimate relationship with, someone who does that
• He wouldn’t do it to work colleagues or friends, so he is able to control his behaviour - just chooses not to with you
• His apologies have been worthless as the behaviour repeats
• He’s an adult and is responsible for addressing it, including via therapy to understand why he does it and find a solution
• Check he’s clear what you’ve said.

Then, don’t be drawn into any more discussion about it, change the subject and carry on being pleasant. If he starts crying, walk away and get on with things.

If he wants to discuss what you did to upset him, say you’re happy to hear him and find a solution to that. But that’s separate to the sulking and ask to discuss at a later point.

I’d start planning a life without him in case he still does nothing about it. But hope he does. It’s never too late to address harmful behaviour. We’re all capable of changing at any time. If we want to.

My ex used to do this, always for some misdemeanour of mine (i.e. I had not agreed with him about something). I did two things. First, I learned to sulk back i.e. would not accept his overtures when he came out of his sulk. Second, I left him. The second option worked wonders - we had been married for 24 years btw and had two DC.

What lesson? That he had one night of no doubt getting a takeaway, kicking back and watching Tv, enjoying bed to himself and then a quiet morning on his own?

this is bizarre. The op will wake up and go home and bugger all will have changed.

You are being unreasonable to go to a Premier Inn, you should have gone somewhere nicer.

But hey have a good day at work and decide whether you need a second night away.

I never understand "the silent treatment". I don't have the patience for emotionally immature people. Every single time he does this, book yourself into a nice hotel, repeat until he gets the message.

Love a premier inn. Hope you enjoyed your night and he learns his lessons.

What a blissful sounding marriage.

Sulking is the worst. It’s so immature, self-indulgent and manipulative. It prevents other people from resolving conflict maturely. Instead, they have to show empathy for the sulker (when they get none in return), ignore it (but deal with a stressful negative atmos) or remove themselves.

It’s done by people who won’t/can’t maturely talk through how they’re feeling. Instead, they give in to their own anger, resentment and victimhood. It’s why some teenagers do it. It can also be learned behaviour - usually from parents, who teach us through their own behaviour how adults behave.

People who do it tend to end up alone, as no self-respecting partner or flatmate will put up with it. It kills relationships. But you shouldn’t be driven out of your home by it. That’s terrible. Though I can see why you’ve removed yourself.

An apology means making a commitment not to repeat the behaviour. Saying sorry, then repeating emotional abuse again and again, is a disrespectful and worthless apology. Better to say ‘I understand why it upset you, it won’t happen again, this is how I’ll avoid it in future’. And to follow through.

It’s best to permanently remove yourself from a pattern of abuse from a cohabitee. It’s v damaging to your spirit. I guess the balls in his court. Depends how much he loves you and wants to solve it.

Yes maybe try this Op? When you get home from work just be breezy as if nothing happened. I guess it's like ignoring a toddler tantrum - they learn it doesn't get them anywhere.

My friend didn’t have children either, if they argued he would sulk and storm off to a hotel . Communication is so important in relationships. Not sulking and storming off.

if communication doesn’t work then you are with the wrong person.

thankfully he has permanently stomped off in a huff and she is now single.

Your kids are grown now. Why are you staying with this man?

Well done OP. Hope you had a gorgeous relaxing evening.

What a stupid man.

Hopefully this has given you the headspace to start planning a way out. These behaviours also tend to get worse with age.

Thanks for the update OP. ‘He sulks until I crack’. There is a solution here. What steps/ strategies could you put in place to NOT crack? Yes going to a hotel for a night is one but to break the cycle I think you have to outlast him. At home. Your children are grown up so whilst not ideal you can explain and reason with them whilst this is going on. It’s hard but you are going to have to find ways to outlast him if you want to change this. However long it takes. Preferably with his life being made as difficult during that period as possible.

Mine did that.
Luckily I work with kids so well practiced at addressing the behaviour rather than the person. I might have used slightly different language however 🙂
No way would I be crying. Make sure you tell him what a lovely evening you had too. And tell him he's absolutely free to sulk now you have the solution that works for both of you.