Sitting in a Premier Inn

Have you been back op? Do the staff know you be name now? @sittinginapremierinn !

Has he cracked open those books he bought OP?

This is not someone who is going to change OP, and if he does… then begs the question - why the HELL did he subject his family to this kind of hostile torment for years

Op has drawn a line in the sand. She has chosen to give DH the opportunity to change. I wish her well and hope she gets a good outcome.

Afraid I agree with this.

Trust me, if someone held a gun to his head, the moment he started sulking, and ordered him to stop he could. And would.

So he is absolutely choosing to behave this way. Because he can. And because he enjoys indulging himself.

These self help books and listing his triggers down are just props and window dressing, a token gesture, if you will.

He can't change. And you can't spend your life with someone who gets a kick out of punishing you.

Someone with this level of propensity to sulk is unlikely to ever change, especially as he’s been putting his family through these obscene sulks for years.

And now he knows you came back, so the next time you do (depressing to have a bag ready to go Op), it will have no impact.

The list he’s making of triggers… I bet his blood pressure goes through the roof

The thing is , you’re calling it sulking and he doesn’t know why he does it. The fact is silent treatment is abuse , he does it for power whether he realisesil it or not (he does ).
Does he do it at work ? If no , he can stop it , he chooses not to.

I've not read the posts where people have belittled your husband's willingness to purchase books to help guide him, as I've only read your replies. But sorry, there are some sad people out there who are so happy to suggest you throw in the towel before pushing him to try.

If he's willing to do the work... Read books, seek counselling, work with you to solve this, that's a great start. Keep your go bag and cash aside for any future instances, nothing will change overnight.

But you sound willing to work on this, and he sounds the same. And that's a great start, then you see how you go. Best of luck!

You've not shed a tear and had a nice evening says it all. I remember this very well when I left..it was so enlightening and liberating.

Good for you. You've realised the person he is and you don't want to put up with it anymore. Break free and live your life.

I'd be charging hotel stays to him as it's his sulking driving you out of the house, literally.

But now he knows that all it means is that they each get a night to themselves and then the OP is back in time for brekkie!

The shock of me going has speeded the process from sulk to him realising there is a problem.

What a surprise! So he absolutely can control his sulk if it starts to negatively impact him? When you stopped being the audience to his stupid pantomime, you spoilt his fun.

hard. I’m going to have a ‘go bag’ sorted which would be useful for weekends away. I’m looking at hotels in the area so I know what

WTF? This has to be one of the depressing marriage set ups I have read in a long time

He doesn’t know how to get out of the sulk spiral so if it happens again I’m off to a hotel and just avoiding it.

open up an account with this PI in this case Op, because you’ll be heading there. A lot.

Your poor kids, what kind of a benchmark for a marriage do they now they

Good for you. I think removing yourself from the environment that houses the stress is a great way of making you feel better and getting some perspective. Yes, you could have just gone for a walk, but this shows that you have boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. DH needs to work on the sulking, not just acknowledge it then forget about it.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

It doesn't matter what the reason is, if you can't discuss something that has angered or bothered you, you really need to reflect of why you cannot express your emotions in a mature way. Sulking should never be an option, it is selfish and abusive.

I am well aware of the difference. A sulk should not be tolerated at all. Of course you can go and cool off in peace. Sulking is when you wont say what is wrong and make a terrible atmosphere.

Like I said in my earlier post. Even as a sulker on occasion, I think your method to of going to a hotel is a good one!

Would it work if you just made fun of it, instead of being affected by it? "Oh, sorry, I forgot you were having a sulk! Let me know when you've finished!" or "No point in asking spouse/dad/name at the moment, he's off on a sulk!"

Depends on the reason for the mood/grumpiness/sulk. People are allowed to feel a bit grumpy now and again and just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone or discuss things till they can work it out of their system. What they can't do is let it go on an and on ruining the atmosphere in the house for the whole family, making others feel uneasy or having to watch what they say, or having their other half feel terrified they're going to leave them or get agressive or whatever.

On the very rare occasions I feel grumpy or moody I'll just take myself off and just naturally be very quiet and not talkative. If DH ,or anyone else, told me cheer up or fuck off if I was feeling like that that would just inflame the situation. Whereas if I'm just left I'll be fine.

I think the best thing to do is exactly what OP has done. Basically treat them like a toddler having a tantrum. Ignore, don't pander or cajole, carry on with your life enjoying yourself. It's THEM who has had the overexaggerated emotional response, not you, so leave them to it and go and have fun.

I mean, if it's happening repeatedly and you always have to watch what you say well then that's different, that's an abusive situation.

Sometimes we are the worst version of ourselves only in front of the only people we feel truly comfortable with. No-one is perfect. Everyone has personality flaws. As OP says, lots of people have baggage that is learned behaviour from the way their own parents dealt with conflict in the home.

The difficult thing is recognising a basically good person, versus one who is basically a bad person but who manipulates others into thinking they are a perfectly fit human being by displaying fake "good" behaviour.

Has he said what you did or what caused him to sulk?

Sounds fair enough to me @sittinginapremierinn I'm glad it put a halt to the spiral and well done for standing your ground. I would hope that he is the one paying into the sulk fund but here's hoping you've shocked him enough to actually get some help and put a stop to this.
I agree for your own mental well being have the cash stashed and an away bag ready to go will really help, given you might need different items depending on if its a work night or not it might be an idea to write a list to place on top of the bag for things that need to be added last minute so you dont end up forgetting anything important

Only he can answer that, and only he has the power to stop sulking like a toddler and grow the hell up, or get medical help for depression

I don't see why you have to leave, send him out of the house until he can control his emotions.

Why should you be inconvenienced by his childishness?

Do what I did, tell him to cheer up or fuck off. It worked. He did it as that was learnt behaviour, his father still does it.