DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

So she should be a decent mother and pay him the same then.

OP, I’d think carefully about marriage and kids,until you’re happier with the way things are. And if they don’t improve perhaps consider walking away if it bothers you that much.

There was a woman on here a while back who said her partner of a year used to have his teen every weekend. But suddenly the child’s mother was sending the child to his full time as she was developing behavioural issues.

The woman was aghast as they were just about to rent or buy a flat together. I understood her dismay, but I think people need to understand situations can change all the time with custody and in your case, co-parenting relationships.

His ex sounds a bit emotionally/mentally on the edge. It could get worse. And it’s not fair for the child if you and his ex end up at loggerheads.

These are all the risks of getting with someone who has kids.

Jesus “she is the mother if his child” does a shit ton of heavy lifting for some of these posters.

All that aside, OP, just realize that you have to be pragmatic about the situation. Your DP is in iver his head. He didn’t really know her before she got pregnant and he doesnt have a very good theory of mind for her now. So he is not making good decisions and holding good boundaries with her because he doesn’t understand the kind of person she is.

Per your report she is erratic, needy, sentimental, manipulative, encroaching, etc…she acts like a former wife or a third in your relationship because she is delusional about the significance of getting pregnant on a ONS. She did not form any emotional bond with your DP and she does not have the right to extend control or observation or comment into his life, his relationship with you, or your marriage and children. She is massively overstepping normal and polite boundaries.

Sit down with your dh and be direct with him. “She acts like your ex wife and her continued calls and queries about me (am I in the house, am I going on holiday, etc…) make me feel upset. She is intrusive and she uses the phone like a leash. You may not be fully aware of it but it jerks you out of our family experience and lets her act like an intimate with us. How can we put down more successful boundaries? She is ruining what would otherwise be a good relationship.”

As for his “just ignore it” plan he is just doing it wrong. He is not firm enough. He is giving her intermittent reinforcement. He should decide that its texts for emergencies in the form

State the emergency snd the solution in the same text.

Viz:

Child in hospital need phone support.
Down sick need early child pickup.
Late to drop off need confirmation that you eill still be there.

No phone calls at all are needed. Reduce this spontaneous contact because she has proven she can’t handle it responsibly.

The only thing I would say is your four years in, You’ve only actually got eight years to go before you will not have to have any kind of communication with this woman whatsoever. By the time the child gets to 12 you can pretty much cut her off completely.
And then you’re on the home stretch
So in the grand scheme of a 40 to 50 year relationship this is an extremely short period of time to greet your teeth and get on with it

lol at everyone one here saying it’s nothing to do with you etc. I guarantee if it was happening to them, THEY would be FUMING!!!
it’s odd behaviour. Sounds like she needs to get over him and stop hassling him! He was never even with her and owes her feelings zilch.
let’s put it another way. She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!!

https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

sorry but that's your choice, to be with someone who already has a child.

Why does she feel the need to stick her oar into our business? because she's a pain in the arse possibly, but as she is the mother of his child, you cannot get rid of her. She will always be in your lives, and there's nothing you can do = your partner is not pandering to her, he's dealing with it. You can't blame him!

That’s why I think the behaviour is over familiar and needy. yes, so?
Are you feeling jealous or threatened by this woman?

Yes, she might be too much, but again.. she's the mother of his child. She's in his life now. It's not an annoying colleague or even an ex-girl friend that you can delete form your life.

I agree with others.

you do nothing other than support DPs decision.

He could always speak to her mum and say if she’s struggling they can revisit the schedule and do 70/30 with you or whatever. But it’s between them.

Ignoring her is not the best approach because it will continue to fester and get worse, addressing it like matured adults is the right way to go.

He needs to speak to her to let her know his boundaries and that whilst he is available to support her as it comes to DD he is not her emotional support for her relationships and she does not get to dictate how quick he responds to texts or call him at ungodly hours when there isn't an emergency

Hi OP,
You won't get any good advice from people on the AIBU thread, could you ask for it to be moved to the step-parenting thread?
I was in your position, DP was at wits end as well with it all. I know it's hard and currently won't seem like it, but DP has to continue with what he is doing in terms of ignoring calls that aren't emergencies and eventually it will stop. He can respond to texts that are reasonable in terms of their joint child, but when it is convenient for him. I also suggest going to mediation to get something drawn up in terms of custody arrangements & communication, i.e. my DP & his ex only communicate via email now and this has helped loads. I would also politely ask DP to not share every time she tries to contact him, as it will only wind you up and he doesn't need to burden you with that.
Good luck x

It us OP’s home as well as DP and DSD. MN often acts like the second woman in a man’s life is an interloper and should know her place to be nowhere on the pecking order. But late night phone calls and multiple phone calls are out of order and disturb the peace of the household. That and the other intrusions have a bad effect on OP as a member of the household. OP doesn’t have to accept poor and erratic behavior from DSD’s mother.

I won’t report this but its ugly, mean, and utterly uncalled for.

She is the mother of your DP's child. Your DP understands that how he deals with this situation could affect his future relationship with his DD.

Your DP thinks ignoring it is the best approach. This is what you stated in your initial post. I agree with this approach.

Why do you feel the need to stick your oar in and become involved?

But OP is no. 1 in his life apart from his DD. The DD's mum was a one-night stand and he made it clear from the start that there would be no relationship. I think he has made a bit of a mistake in engaging too readily, and needs to lay down set times etc. for any communications. in OP's shoes I would be well hacked off at her ringing five times in one evening and demanding to know where they are going on holiday (without Dsd). That is completely unreasonable, and her DP needs to deal with it. If he doesn't OP can tell her that their holiday is none of her business.

The OP's partner has a type - women who don't have boundaries.

But the OP can't enforce any of that. She can't police either this woman's boundaries or her boyfriend's decision as to how to deal with them.

I couldn't ignore someone ringing at 1am, or ringing at all if she has been told not to.
Your DH will need to take a firmer line with her, OP.

The child's mum's current emotional needs are nothing to do with OP or her DH. This woman needs to observe decent sensible boundaries, and ringing in the middle of the night crosses a boundary. Neither should she be engaging him with her current problems with her partner. It is literally nothing to do with him. DH is right up to a point to ignore it but it seems to have got to a stage where he needs to assert boundaries. So he should tell her not to ring except in certain time periods and only if absolutely necessary, and not to expect instant responses. He shouldn't stand chatting to her on the doorstep either. She is assuming too much relationship, and it will go wrong unless he enforces some distance.

He needs to stop answering his phone, he's just feeding her need. Turn it off, don't respond to calls. They weren't in a relationship so this feels very inappropriate.

How he treats her, is how he'll treat you.

You thinks it's good he pays, ffs would ya give over.

Oh yes, because there is no middle ground between 'cutting her off completely' and 'calling him many times in the middle of the night' !