Page 8 | DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

surethingmaybe · 2025-06-08T14:29:00+00:00

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here. Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have. I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text? She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists. DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week. She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?! AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

Blessthismess2 · 09/06/2025 21:32

So much misogyny on this thread. Mum being a “one night stand” has nothing to do with anything . Whether she is a one night stand or an ex wife is completely and utterly irrelevant. They have a child together. She is not a baby incubator, she’s a person. They are not in a romantic relationship, but they are bound together by their child and that means working together, and , yes, taking care of each other, like any family . Is it respectful of her to call repeatedly or at all hours of the evening/noght? No. Are DP and OP entitled to boundaries? Of course. And they should work on how to implement them. However, acting like this woman is nothing to OP’s DP even though she’s the mother of his 4-yr-old because she’s a “one night stand” is so gross and just misogyny.

MeridianB · 09/06/2025 21:25

pikkumyy77 · 09/06/2025 16:36

Jesus “she is the mother if his child” does a shit ton of heavy lifting for some of these posters.

All that aside, OP, just realize that you have to be pragmatic about the situation. Your DP is in iver his head. He didn’t really know her before she got pregnant and he doesnt have a very good theory of mind for her now. So he is not making good decisions and holding good boundaries with her because he doesn’t understand the kind of person she is.

Per your report she is erratic, needy, sentimental, manipulative, encroaching, etc…she acts like a former wife or a third in your relationship because she is delusional about the significance of getting pregnant on a ONS. She did not form any emotional bond with your DP and she does not have the right to extend control or observation or comment into his life, his relationship with you, or your marriage and children. She is massively overstepping normal and polite boundaries.

Sit down with your dh and be direct with him. “She acts like your ex wife and her continued calls and queries about me (am I in the house, am I going on holiday, etc…) make me feel upset. She is intrusive and she uses the phone like a leash. You may not be fully aware of it but it jerks you out of our family experience and lets her act like an intimate with us. How can we put down more successful boundaries? She is ruining what would otherwise be a good relationship.”

As for his “just ignore it” plan he is just doing it wrong. He is not firm enough. He is giving her intermittent reinforcement. He should decide that its texts for emergencies in the form

State the emergency snd the solution in the same text.

Viz:

Child in hospital need phone support.
Down sick need early child pickup.
Late to drop off need confirmation that you eill still be there.

No phone calls at all are needed. Reduce this spontaneous contact because she has proven she can’t handle it responsibly.

This is spot on.

YADNBU! Who rings people repeatedly at 1am for no good reason?

She has no right to any information that doesn’t relate to her DD. Your DP needs to shut these questions down every single time. He can mute her when DD is with him. Would it help him to plan some responses?

The sooner he sets rock solid boundaries the better. No calls outside of emergencies. Could you drop DSD back sometimes?

WhereIsMyJumper · 09/06/2025 21:24

Sorry OP I’m only on page 2 but you’ve have some weird responses so far. Of course she is being out of order! That’s not normal!
I share custody of mine with exH and we don’t overstep to this extent! And we were married once!

I agree that your DP needs to just keep ignoring her until she gets the message. Phone on silent, ignore all calls. If it is a genuine emergency she will leave a voice mail or send a text to tell him so.

Is the 50/50 thing set in a regular routine so the child knows where she is going to be any given day of the week or does he just have her when it suits her mom?

pikkumyy77 · 09/06/2025 21:20

EastGrinstead · 09/06/2025 19:51

@pikkumyy77, you clearly have boundary issues as what you are advising here is controlling behaviour.

The DP gets to decide how he would like to deal with the mother of his child. If the DP decides to ignore this behaviour, this is his decision.

Edited

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You do not know what controlling means and in any event its not some horror word that forces everyone to leap back and shuts down all discussion. Everyone has a right to control their own life and their own boundaries as to treatment by others. Telling your ex what you will and won’t accept as treatment is perfectly reasonable. OP having this discussion with her partner is also pretty normal.

In fact “good fences make good neighbors “ and good, firm, boundaries about appropriate interactions between co parents are good.

Woahtherehoney · 09/06/2025 21:18

You will not get any sensible answers on AIBU, OP. Sadly most people here think step parents are the devil incarnate and I’m surprised you’ve had nobody try and blame you for splitting them up even though you didn’t meet until well after your SDD was born.

what you are describing is definitely not normal behaviour and your DP does need to set some boundaries with her and maybe you can support him to do that by starting with no calls unless it’s an emergency and do each boundary one at a time. I’m not sure she’ll listen but he needs to stick to it too.

Daffodilsarefading · 09/06/2025 21:12

Quite frankly this sounds like a nightmare situation.
I would think long and hard about marrying this man and having children with him.
I don’t think I could stand it if I’m honest.

Blessthismess2 · 09/06/2025 21:08

wineosaurus4 · 09/06/2025 12:46

This stood out to me. Can you explain how caring for your child 50% of the time (actually slightly more in this case I believe with the additional adhoc days) is the ‘bare minimum’?

This is the exact amount of care the child’s Mum provides but I don’t see you saying she should pay Dad any CMS?

Make it make sense?!

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She means that just because he’s not legally required to pay maintenance doesn’t mean he’s not going to. The money is to support his child at the times he’s not around. The legal requirement is the bare minimum. I bought my child new shoes yesterday- did the government require me to? No.

HopscotchBanana · 09/06/2025 20:51

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It's not OP who's needy and jealous. Projecting much?

yakkity · 09/06/2025 20:33

Yuapp · 09/06/2025 19:51

@surethingmaybe the fact he’s paying CMS as opposed to having paid for his child from the word go with no prompting by a government body, suggests to me your DP isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

Parenting is hard and emotional support is often needed, for instance when she can’t settle their four year old. She’s his child too.

Oh come on the woman accused the OPs DH of ‘having an affair’. It’s just normal to call at midnight unless it’s an emergency. The woman is not right on the head

yakkity · 09/06/2025 20:31

Praying4Peace · 08/06/2025 15:57

Bloody hell, that is harsh and insensitive.
Woman grew and bore your partner's child which comes with an ocean of emotion

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She has a DP of her own and accused the OPs DP of ‘having an affair’.

She sounds deranged

Styker · 09/06/2025 20:25

@Yuapp I’m forever getting confused by acronyms - If someone states they’re paying CMS does that automatically mean they are referring to the type organised by a government body? I assumed this was an informal arrangement of child maintenance and he was paying over and above as op had stated he was a high earner.

Yuapp · 09/06/2025 19:51

@surethingmaybe the fact he’s paying CMS as opposed to having paid for his child from the word go with no prompting by a government body, suggests to me your DP isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

Parenting is hard and emotional support is often needed, for instance when she can’t settle their four year old. She’s his child too.

EastGrinstead · 09/06/2025 19:51

pikkumyy77 · 09/06/2025 16:36

Jesus “she is the mother if his child” does a shit ton of heavy lifting for some of these posters.

All that aside, OP, just realize that you have to be pragmatic about the situation. Your DP is in iver his head. He didn’t really know her before she got pregnant and he doesnt have a very good theory of mind for her now. So he is not making good decisions and holding good boundaries with her because he doesn’t understand the kind of person she is.

Per your report she is erratic, needy, sentimental, manipulative, encroaching, etc…she acts like a former wife or a third in your relationship because she is delusional about the significance of getting pregnant on a ONS. She did not form any emotional bond with your DP and she does not have the right to extend control or observation or comment into his life, his relationship with you, or your marriage and children. She is massively overstepping normal and polite boundaries.

Sit down with your dh and be direct with him. “She acts like your ex wife and her continued calls and queries about me (am I in the house, am I going on holiday, etc…) make me feel upset. She is intrusive and she uses the phone like a leash. You may not be fully aware of it but it jerks you out of our family experience and lets her act like an intimate with us. How can we put down more successful boundaries? She is ruining what would otherwise be a good relationship.”

As for his “just ignore it” plan he is just doing it wrong. He is not firm enough. He is giving her intermittent reinforcement. He should decide that its texts for emergencies in the form

State the emergency snd the solution in the same text.

Viz:

Child in hospital need phone support.
Down sick need early child pickup.
Late to drop off need confirmation that you eill still be there.

No phone calls at all are needed. Reduce this spontaneous contact because she has proven she can’t handle it responsibly.

@pikkumyy77, you clearly have boundary issues as what you are advising here is controlling behaviour.

The DP gets to decide how he would like to deal with the mother of his child. If the DP decides to ignore this behaviour, this is his decision.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/06/2025 19:34

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Read all her posts, it is bothering girl and affecting their relationship.

It's funny you claim OP is needy but a woman chasing after a man she has a one night stand with 5 years ago is not needy? She has a relationship and should have moved on except the child they have together but she is constantly chasing him for non urgent issues, calling at midnight, suggesting that they don't have a child so her daughter can be an only child, trying to pull DP into her relationship woes but OP is the needy one????

workshy46 · 09/06/2025 19:28

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Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/06/2025 19:21

FoodAppropriation · 09/06/2025 16:56

they might be fuming, but what's your solution?

Telling her to fuck off and for the father to disappear and never see his own child again?

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.

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No one (including the OP) has said the father should disappear and never see her again, I have no idea how you got that or that she should fuck off.

The father is very involved in his daughter's life, has her 50:50 and pays CMS which he technically shouldn't given he has the child 50%, and on top of all that they end up having the girl even more than 50% when the mother needs help.

The issue here is OPs DP is NOT in a relationship with the mother of his child, it was a one night stand that resulted in a child and he stood up and took responsibility which is great. She has to respect that their relationship is solely about be child simple. The one night stand was 5 years ago, the child is now 4 and the woman is already in another relationship same as DP so the only thing that ties them together is the child.

What people are asking for is boundaries, she does not get to harass DP, send text messages that are not urgent then start chasing and calling demanding that he must respond quickly, calling at midnight for non issues that are not emergencies, suggesting to DP and OP that they shouldn't have children because her daughter likes being a single child, trying to entangle DP I to her relationship issues because she thinks her current partner is cheating etc.

No one at all and said DP should abandon his daughter but you, maybe you're projecting or something but I have absolutely no idea where you got that from.

She needs to respect the fact the DP is in a relationship with OP and their only connection is looking after the child that's it, and if she continues to push boundaries then they can make things official in court, put restrictions in place so any communication is only via email like people do when ex spouses can't stand each other. She has it good now and is being very ridiculous by disrespecting DP's boundaries and relationship.

They are NOT in a relationship, they were NEVER in a relationship and yes there should be mutual respect between them for the sake of the child but she needs to respect their boundaries, yes if there is something urgent then yes call for immediate response but not mundane texts then badgering him for a quick response or calling at midnight.

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.

The bolded above was a direct response to post below but you've deliberately taken it out of context without the post OP responded to by trying to act like she is blaming the woman for having unprotected sex with a one night stand, she wasn't, both her DP and the woman were responsible and DP has stood up to his responsibility to be a father to the child.

"He obviously didn't mind if she grew him a child or he wouldn't have had unprotected sex with a stranger."

She is not entitled to a relationship with DP, he is not even her ex, and she comes across as needy and obsessed with him. He has no business with what is going on in her relationship.

ASimpleLampoon · 09/06/2025 18:05

yestothat · 08/06/2025 15:53

is the mum not decent for not wanting to provide the bare minimum then? She’s having her child less than 50% of the time and accepting money on top of that.

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The money is for the child.

SandyY2K · 09/06/2025 17:48

surethingmaybe · 09/06/2025 15:27

And I dislike she is guilt tripping DP that she says DSD is happy as an only child. Me and DP are actively trying to children, and are due to marry next year. On what planet is it acceptable to say that to someone?

She cannot control him having more kids. He needs to tell her that none of her business.

He's best continuing to ignore her calls. If it's urgent, she'll text.

If she tells him to reply immediately. He needs to let her know that's not always possible.

A suggestion of that if she calls, he declines the call and texts her saying " can't answer now, please text if urgent"

If she doesn't text.. then it's not urgent. Further calls can be ignored. Send the calls to voicemail. She'll soon get the drill.

Profpudding · 09/06/2025 17:42

*sane person

Profpudding · 09/06/2025 17:37

FoodAppropriation · 09/06/2025 16:56

they might be fuming, but what's your solution?

Telling her to fuck off and for the father to disappear and never see his own child again?

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.

Show quote history

Everyone in that situation realises what they shouldn’t shouldn’t have done after the event.
But I don’t think it’s on reasonable to expect any logical same person who gets pregnant on a one night stand to just deal with it as opposed to cause 18 years of Mayhem for everyone involved.
I fully support her body her choice, But then her consequences as well.

Original poster

surethingmaybe · 09/06/2025 17:35

RochelleGoyle · 09/06/2025 17:00

YANBU but it sounds like she may be struggling to cope. I know it doesn't have to concern him but has he asked her? His daughter is with her the rest of the week, so in my view, he should have some interest in what's going on. Doesn't mean it's his responsibility to fix it, but if she was doing well I think it's unlikely she'd be ringing at midnight.

As I said, she is rarely with mum for her half of the week. She is not struggling, she is living the life she wants to, rearranging contact days so she can go away or to concerts. Which is fine, DP wants DSD here. When DSD was born she took him to court for full custody (as he didn’t want a relationship) and it got set at 50/50.

OP posts:

Original poster

surethingmaybe · 09/06/2025 17:33

HopscotchBanana · 09/06/2025 17:08

Yep, nail on the head.

Some women think they're entitled to attach themselves to a man forever because they chose to carry a child to full term. Then can't believe the audacity that the man will look after the child but not them.

My friend's sister literally had her baby to try and keep the guy attached to her, and spends all her time hanging round, inventing reasons to call with the bullshit justification "but I'm the mother of his child" when the child's got nothing to do with whatever she's after. She's single and furious that he's happily with someone else, in her mind, she had the prodigal first born, so she's entitled to him as a partner for the rest of her life. She's always banging on about him as her ex, when he wasn't ever with her.

Back in the real world, like OPs case, she's a one night stand, he said he didn't want the baby, she decided she was having it regardless, and now can't compute that he's got no obligation to her at all. He's a great dad too. His girlfriend is a saint to put up with the shite this woman creates.

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She does refer to him as her ex. She put on the school forms “DP’s name - DSD father and ex partner”. Bizarre.

She even tried to tag him in photos on Facebook before he removed her saying “my little family” with pictures DP was unaware of. His mum has asked her not to do that, as it is confusing for DSD.

Having a child with someone does create a bond with them, but that bond is for the child. Not for her to think she can influence if we have kids, where we go on holiday or whether she speaks to him when I’m at my house.

OP posts:

HopscotchBanana · 09/06/2025 17:08

Createausername1970 · 09/06/2025 13:03

My guess is that she is now fully aware that DP is a decent bloke, unlike her current partner, and she is wishing DP was more than just "DC's dad".

OP, stay out of it as much as you can, but support your DP if he is struggling to deal with it. You have been given some good suggestions about strengthening his boundaries, which you could pass onto him.

Yep, nail on the head.

Some women think they're entitled to attach themselves to a man forever because they chose to carry a child to full term. Then can't believe the audacity that the man will look after the child but not them.

My friend's sister literally had her baby to try and keep the guy attached to her, and spends all her time hanging round, inventing reasons to call with the bullshit justification "but I'm the mother of his child" when the child's got nothing to do with whatever she's after. She's single and furious that he's happily with someone else, in her mind, she had the prodigal first born, so she's entitled to him as a partner for the rest of her life. She's always banging on about him as her ex, when he wasn't ever with her.

Back in the real world, like OPs case, she's a one night stand, he said he didn't want the baby, she decided she was having it regardless, and now can't compute that he's got no obligation to her at all. He's a great dad too. His girlfriend is a saint to put up with the shite this woman creates.

RochelleGoyle · 09/06/2025 17:00

YANBU but it sounds like she may be struggling to cope. I know it doesn't have to concern him but has he asked her? His daughter is with her the rest of the week, so in my view, he should have some interest in what's going on. Doesn't mean it's his responsibility to fix it, but if she was doing well I think it's unlikely she'd be ringing at midnight.

FoodAppropriation · 09/06/2025 16:56

Stephanie2018 · 09/06/2025 16:20

lol at everyone one here saying it’s nothing to do with you etc. I guarantee if it was happening to them, THEY would be FUMING!!!
it’s odd behaviour. Sounds like she needs to get over him and stop hassling him! He was never even with her and owes her feelings zilch.
let’s put it another way. She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!!

they might be fuming, but what's your solution?

Telling her to fuck off and for the father to disappear and never see his own child again?

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.