DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

Presumably when you had sex or whatever you did to produce these two children with the gay man.
You’ve had a conversation with him and ascertained that he was firstly a gay man, there would be no romantic relationship.

And secondly, the boundaries and the remit of the relationship with the produced children.

These two people have done none of those things. One of them has plunged the other one into unauthorised parenthood for one of a better description.
It’s like comparing Apple with pears

There is nothing misogynistic in believing women should be held to the same moral standard as men

hilarious.

Of course mother is not weird to be interested in having a human connection with the father of her four year old. (Who she slept with , how many times and when , has nothing to do with anything- women are people, not sex robots programmed by / reduced to our sexuality ). The fact that you think it’s weird is dehumanising and misogynistic.

For what it’s worth I share children with a man I was never romantically involved with. (He’s gay). We have strong boundaries in place and don’t call each other in the middle of the night. We aren’t each others emotional crutch. But we are connected, - we are absolutely family. He would 100% be there for me if I needed him - practically, emotionally, whatever- and vice versa and I’m extremely interested in having a human connection with him , and in his wellbeing, and health. We also cooperate financially. Nothing weird , odd, deranged, creepy about any of this at all. Totally normal. Why? Because we share the most important people in the world to us and have the most fundamental of experiences in common - parenting our dependent children.

@Blessthismess2

“They are not in a romantic relationship, but they are bound together by their child and that means working together, and , yes, taking care of each other, like any family .”

No, you do not have an obligation to take care of someone you share a child with. You may choose to in the interests of your child, but that can only be a choice. There is a reason we call it child maintenance, because it is for the benefit of the child.

“Is she weird, inexplicable or deranged for seeking a human connection/ dialogue with her co-parent/ the father of her child? Of course not. The suggestion that she is , is completely dehumanising and explained by misogyny.”

It is weird to “seek human connection” with someone you slept with 5 years ago discussing your relationship and their relationship where they have given you no indication of wanting to be dragged in to your life. Wanting to discuss your child and their best interest is normal, discussing your DP cheating at 1am and asking them to be a guarantor for you is very odd.

“Also definition of a family= group of people who are related to each other.”

But they have a common relation and are not related to each other. They are each related to the child. If “relative of a relative” as the standard “family” looses all meaning. My nephews and nieces have uncles and aunts I have no genetic connection to and I have not even met. By your standard they are my family.

The behaviour of the child mother shows remarkable entitlement, and you seem to share that worldview. If this were a man calling a woman he slept with once 5 years ago and share as child with at 1am you would not be saying “he is family, she should be taking care of him” you would like most people be suggesting taking more solid action to stop the unreasonable behaviour.

There is nothing misogynistic in believing women should be held to the same moral standard as men. Perhaps consider that your view of women as in some way of lacking the ability to take responsibility is the issue here.

I know, that's why I said as the child gets older.

Regardless, the kid's mother is taking the piss. Rather than telling her to stop calling he needs to turn his phone down especially at night. He's the father of her child, not there to support her and certainly not there to be a guarantor!

Yes that’s true it can definitely loosen the older the child gets . Currently this child is 4

Should he treat her like a human who is significant in his life? Yes. Because she is a human and she is significant in his life because they share a child. There is nothing “loose” about that connection- is as permanent and fundamental as they come.

The connection can get looser as the child gets older. Once DSD is old enough her father can speak directly to her rather her mother. DH's ex used to call him but because they were adults he could let it go to voicemail and then decide if it was worth calling her back.

Her expectations are unreasonable, have you read the tread?

This behaviour will continue of you feed it. Solid boundaries and perhaps referring her to services that can help her get her life in order should be the limit. This sounds like someone who sucks people in to their chaos. If this was a man doing it people would instantly recognise it.

Both man and women can be dysfunctional people both need to be treated appropriately.

OP has already clarified it isn’t through CMS and is just an agreement between her DP and DSD’s mum

@Styker in that case I don’t think CMS would even be mentioned.

@surethingmaybe I presume your DP’s ex has had to ask CMS to get him to pay?

Hundred percent agree with you, I never understand it.
There are 51% males and 49% females
Surely it would be better to choose somebody slightly less attractive, perhaps earning 10 grand less, than one of these people trying to have a second bite of the Cherry when they’ve already created a circus of a life for themselves.

There are millions of men out there that you can be a first time parent with and it makes an enormous difference. I cannot Overemphasise how much the shine will be taken off your first baby for the fact that he’s done it all before.

You’ll be on this board More often than his healthy complaining about him over the next 18 years.

I am 99% on your side but can you understand that she might not want to highlight to the Child’s teachers that basically somebody came in her once, accidentally and she got a child as opposed to the child was conceived under normal circumstances.

It’s no skin off your nose is it?

Honestly, I'd get out while you still can before you end up wedded to this odd circus forevermore.

Yes it is. Your DP needs the mother of his child to be fit, healthy, on her feet, cheerful, not using alcohol or drugs as a crutch. She needs to be able to raise their child effectively. If that means he exchanges a couple of sentences about their shared child, that's fine.

Parenting is tough. If she's struggling, him providing a little careful support is not unreasonable.

I can only look at this from my perspective. I would not want my kid to live in a shit hole even 50% of the time so if that meant me chipping in a little bit more so that they had time with the other parent not living in a shit hole I think I’d be happy to do so.
Most people would.

Something doesn’t add up, here.
it’s your partner’s job to set clear boundaries with her. He obviously hasn’t.
And that bothers you…

I’m presuming in this case it must be because dad has more disposable income than mum? Otherwise I agree it wouldn’t make sense

It's not harsh at all.

They are not together, he is doing everything he can to be a good Dad but he is not obligated to be friends with the mother. She is overstepping.

I think get some regular contact times agreed to so the child has a predictable routine and there’ll be no need for so much communication.

You could also start joining him at the door to help move the conversation along and shoo her off.

She does refer to him as her ex. She put on the school forms “DP’s name - DSD father and ex partner”. Bizarre.

Why so bizarre that she refers to him as her ex?

You refer to your DP's DD as your DSD yet she's not your DSD either.

She will get more needy and desperate when you get pregnant @surethingmaybe, your DP knows it’s escalating but has tried telling her not to ring unless it’s an emergency and she’s still doing it. It must be so frustrating for you both but all he can do is keep repeating the ‘don’t disturb me unless there is an emergency with my daughter,’ and put phone down on her. Or if she tries to talk about difficulties within her relationship, he cuts her off with ‘Thats none of my business.’ Once she realises she is not able to engage him in conversation about her personal life, she may stop.

Now you are just stretching words until they mean anything. No one here has used culturally loaded terminology like “bunny boiler” and I have consistently stated that my take on X’s behavior—which you yourself agree is inappropriate—would be the same whether X was male or female. If the original connection was a ONS or a sperm donation—say a fwb agreeing to father a child for a friend—this kind of encroachment is inappropriate. Nothing gendered about my analysis.

So then why isn’t Mum paying him maintenance? What happens when Dad buys the new shoes? Why is it assumed the Dad doesn’t provide everything on his time that Mum does on her time? And yes, right down to the school uniform yada yada.

It sounds like she is not particularly happy or secure in her current relationship, and has started thinking about OP's DP in a longing, grass-is-greener kind of way. OP is right to be put out by it, as perhaps she even intends to make thing difficult between OP and her DP. The DP needs to have OP's back here, and present a strong united front. Otherwise the DD's mum will insinuate further into their lives.

The fact she asked them to be guarantor shows she thinks or wishes there is a relationship other than the child that links them. She is massively overstepping, may even be a bit obsessed with him. He needs to act and be decisive, or it will be a give-her-an-inch-and-she'll take a yard situation. I really hope this can be sorted OP. I'd be so fuming I would probably say something myself, like mind your own business about our holiday.