DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

And what the majority of people are telling you is that the fact that it’s a one night stand is entirely relevant.
He didn’t love her, He doesn’t love her and he is not available to her
He’s available to their child.

Eh? No. This has nothing to do with me , or me being insecure about my situation 😂.

I was simply highlighting my experience to illustrate the point that having an interest in your coparent (including as a human) is completely legitimate - regardless of whether you have had a sexual/ romantic past- it’s a natural consequence of having children together. People are dehumanising and objectifying this women as a human and as a mother - calling her irrelevant and deranged - because she was no more than a ONS. Thats just misogyny. I’m insecure about misogyny wherever I see it because I’m a woman and a feminist.

Of Course OP’s DP has the right to set boundaries , and she shouldn’t be calling him in the night. But this woman is not irrelevant and a nothing human to him. She is the mother of his child. The fact that they had a ONS has nothing to do with anything. And OP and other pp’s should stop banging on about it.

You just need to get on with your life, with the knowledge that she'll be around for a while. Try not to let her behaviour affect you. It's down to your boyfriend to manage her behaviour or more importantly, his he responds to it.

Be prepared for hey behaviour to ramp up after you get married and have a baby.

Her having his sisters and mum's contact number, make it seem like she was more than a ONS.

There are many many millions of human beings on this planet
Some of which I’ve slept with
Not seeking a human connection with any of them.

Im baffled what you people are failing to understand here.

Whether she slept with him or not , when and how many times, is a complete irrelevance- is the point I was making .

What matters is that right now they share a 4 yr old child. Thats it.

The fact that you are all so fixated on how many times they had sex is the issue. Even in her latest post OP is still banging on about her being a ONS.

Are you always this petty and spiteful?

Making a point to the OP that her partner is her boyfriend? grow up.

And whether you like it or not, the term DSD will apply here if the OP and her partner stay together. Or do you think that the OP should refer to her as “my boyfriend’s child”?

DSD is a term which blended families use, regardless of whether there’s a wedding ring involved. Marriage in that instance is just semantics.

My DC refer to both my and my ex’s partners as their stepmum/stepdad, and to other people not just to us. Even though they see very little of ex’s partner and in fact don’t get on that well, she’s still their stepmum in their eyes, but they’re more mature than to be petty enough to call her “dad’s girlfriend” or my DP (who I don’t live with but have been with for twelve years) “mum’s boyfriend.

Stepmum/stepdad has come about through their choosing, and interestingly any friends they have whose parents have other relationships do the same.

I've been there with a situation like this and it can be a nightmare. If roles were reversed and it was a man phoning his ex all the time and ignoring her requests to only phone in emergencies, phoning late at night etc some of the responses would be very different on here.

Yes their relationship starts and ends with "mummy and daddy". The woman is acting like DP is her partner or something when he is not

As yet ?

That does not change when the other parent gets married.
There are still only two people with parental responsibility in normal circumstances, mummy and daddy.

CMS isn’t through court. Just gives her money for DSD, although unsure what she does with it as DSD is with us a lot more. She recently asked him to be guarantor on her and her DPs house. He said no.

After I asked that, OP has posted this, so yeah it’s not through the government body. I can see how it can be misinterpreted though sometimes. I just figured it out by the context in this instance.

If we were to get married she would magically transform into my DSD would she? Of course not. Whether you like it or not I have a parental role in her life.*

No she wouldn't magically transform into anything....by marriage she'd become your DSD yes...until then you're just his DD's girlfriend....and no, that doesn't make you have a parental roll in her life any more than an aunt or GM , you may do your DB fetching and carring towards her when he asks or do something for his DD when you feel like it/she asks but that's about it

Whether you like it or not as of yet only him and the DC's mother have parental rights.

There are 51% males and 49% females
Surely it would be better to choose somebody slightly less attractive, perhaps earning 10 grand less, than one of these people trying to have a second bite of the Cherry when they’ve already created a circus of a life for themselves

Exactly!I’ve been saying consistently all through this thread Op needs to rethink this. Even women (or men) who start off okay with the ex/previous partner or stepchild often (not always) find things change somewhere along the way for the worse.

This situation is particularly concerning because it’s off to a bad start from the get go.

Op isn’t tied by marriage or a child yet. She has a better chance of leaving now if it’s too much for her.

Stop wasting your time with people like this, the important thing now is to have an open conversation with your DP, firstly see if he agrees that her behaviour is inappropriate and affecting your relationship then move on to how to handle it. Yes he will be the main person dealing with her but you both need to aligned and happy on how to deal with her.

He needs to make it very clear to her that he is there to support her as far as it concerns DD, and there has to be ground rules when it comes to messaging, unless it's urgent she does not clam at midnight or any ungodly hour and he will respond to her messages when he is ready, she does not get to badger him for a response in 10 minutes and he has nothing to do with her current relationship so she shouldn't be discussing it with him

Is he still refusing to address the issue with her?

And if he is unwilling to deal with it or sticking to the "just ignore her" approach I would seriously consider continuing the relationship, I can assure you that she will only get worse when you get married and then have kids which will most likely trigger something in her.

@surethingmaybe How can you be certain that it was a ONS?

Ah, I see your response is nothing to do with OP but your own situation.

You appear to be unable to see the difference. Presumably the gay man who fathered your child had a conversation with you in advance and you agreed on certain things? Therefore you have a basis for this, if you agreed a certain level of support then that is fine for you. If you (and he) want to offer more than you originally agreed that is also fine.

What would not be fine is imposing upon others what they have not agreed to. You have no right to impose on others. You appear to be insecure about your personal arrangement and looking to address that by justifying this woman being unreasonable.

I notice you striped my comment of context. There is noting wrong with just “seeking a connection” if you approach the situation once and then accept the rejection if you get it. However, you are not entitled to it. All you are entitled to is a cold disinterested exchange of information and discussion of DC’s needs. It is better to have more, but you have to earn it. She sought a relationship with this man and he rejected it. She seeks to involve him in her romantic life, he rejects that. She seeks to insert herself in to his new relationship, he rejects that. She has to learn to take rejection. If she behaved appropriately she may then receive a better co-parent relationship, but she behaving entitled and therefore making it worse.

“women are people, not sex robots programmed by / reduced to our sexuality”

And no one is treating her as a sex robot. Neither OP or her DP are having sex with her (which is what I assume a sex robot is for). If you have sex with someone you do not own them. No one is entitled to others emotional support because you had sex year ago. She is being treated like an adult, so when she behaves in appropriately people back away and avoid contact. I note you avoid the obvious counter factual, if this was a man you would neo accuse her of “using him like a human dildo” or similar. You would recognise that no entitlement should exist.

There are many many millions of human beings on this planet
Some of which I’ve slept with
Not seeking a human connection with any of them.
people were probably clumsy making the point, She has no more right to his time than anybody else on the peripheral of his life.

Anyway, all custard because the comparisons that you’ve tried to make awesome Simply not the same. I’m not in this situation and I never would be thank goodness. People create far too much mess for little children to have to navigate

Not quite. people are going further.
For example a few posts ago:

It is weird to “seek human connection” with someone you slept with 5 years ago….

Is my coparent weird for seeking a human connection with me because we never had a romantic relationship? Of course not. I’m the mother of his children.

Once you take the co-parenting context out of the patriarchal , heteronormative lens through which most people are viewing it

• whereby a woman’s, a mother’s, worth/ value/ humanity is quite simply determined by how sexually disposable she was to a man who once slept with her -

you can see how it’s actually perfectly human , normal and valid to have concern for , and connection to , the parent of your child- as an actual human in their own right (and not just a mothering object) because that is what they in fact are- a human.

People are calling her deranged based on her behaviour.

I agree that OP’s DP is entitled to set boundaries for himself. Absolutely.

What I’m objecting to is people calling the mum deranged, weird, etc, on the basis that she is irrelevant and disposable because she was just a ONS. That’s the misogynistic, dehumanising part.

You're happy with financial and emotional interest, that's fine. OP's DP isn't and that's also fine. If one party doesn't want it there is no need for it beyond ensuring the child is looked after. He has the child more than 50/50 and also pays maintenance so he appears to be doing everything right. He doesn't owe the woman any more than that.

It’s irrelevant to the child that they’ve never had a romantic relationship

It is not irrelevant to the adults that they’ve never had a romantic relationship.

has he not heard of DND.

the reality is he can't force her behaviour just the way he manages it.

he has told her. he should keep telling her.

he should actually just have a seperate number for her and set up an auto text for every time she calls saying can you please text i am currently unavailable.

she clearly needs to be managed, but don't talk to her yourself.

He seems to have a system for her, ignoring and managing is always best with this type of person

Can't you see that there's a huge difference between a one night stand and two people who've had a relationship?

Yes?

like there are differences between Greeks and Romans?

And?

the emotional and financial interest in this case is established by the fact that they share a dependent child- like with me and my coparent. It’s irrelevant that we have never had a past romantic relationship.

Of course mother is not weird to be interested in having a human connection with the father of her four year old. (Who she slept with , how many times and when has nothing to do with anything- women are people, not sex robots). The fact that you think it’s weird is dehumanising and misogynistic.

Can't you see that there's a huge difference between a one night stand and two people who've had a relationship? It is weird to expect this measure of emotional and financial support from someone you've never had any kind of relationship with. Even then discussing a new partner or asking them to be a guarantor wouldn't be normal in many relationships.