DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

You're right to be annoyed,only communication is about his daughter and not at ridiculous hours and should not be involving his family when he dosent answer,if he's having her more than 50% and paying maintenance fair play..glad yo see he's a good decent man but he dosent need all the added extra,as you say she has a partner,unless the DD is sick or visiting needs changing,quick text at a reasonable time and wait for his reply then that's it,all her added attention is not warranted..ignore it for now but if it keeps going he needs to have a word with her and just say,I'll answer when I can,don't text at stupid times and when not emergency..these women saying she's lonely are ridiculous..she needs to get a hobby then or a job if she hasn't one..or text her DP

Probably best that your partner just responds to her text when he gets them so it doesn't escalate but with a to the point curt reply. If it's just nonsense he should also text that in his reply. The getting the kid to sleep over the phone is utter bollocks quite frankly. He should be telling her straight that's not on and is pure manipulation on her part. He needs to turn the phone off at bed time.

Hi OP,

obviously calling over and over and late at night isn’t ok, but from what you have said, it really sounds as though she is struggling. Despite it being right that they have 50/50 custody, as a mum this can be really difficult, every day something new and or scary can happen, there is no guidebook, and some cope better than others.

I have health anxiety, and even now with a 12 year old (separated 9 years) I have to talk myself down from calling dad if something is wrong, nobody shares your love and fears for your child like the other parent.

perhaps she would like a more involved co-parenting relationship, if this was a one night stand, even more to be anxious about as she really doesn’t know the father, won’t know his thoughts or behaviours in different situations, I was with my sons dad 13 years, and so I feel safe having him as a co-parent, it’s would be so hard not to have that.

i get that it’s probably annoying and feels all about setting boundaries but you might find a bit of kindness gets you a lot further towards what you want.

Yeah this is my understanding of it too.

@Yuapp no, you’ve misunderstood me . What I am saying is - based on my understanding - the child support is an arrangement they decided on themselves and it’s NOT been organised through court / child maintenance services (ie. The government body) . Hence I stated “it’s not through the government body”

Again, Op said this : CMS isn’t through court. Just gives her money for DSD, although unsure what she does with it as DSD is with us a lot more. She recently asked him to be guarantor on her and her DPs house. He said no.

I could be wrong but “Just gives her money” as well as other things Op has said suggests it’s something they figured out themselves.

Could you please clarify @surethingmaybe ?

OP, it seems that a lot of posters on here are very subjective about the child's DM. It seems you have touched a nerve among those who might be in a similar position to her, and don't seem able to see straight about your situation.
In your shoes i would be so put out by the intrusiveness - how dare she ask if you are at home, in your own home, or where your holiday is, and above all have anything to say about whether you have children - the cheeky cow! And as for your DP ignoring what she does - if he took any of the five phone calls in one evening, then he is not ignoring it. He needs to be a lot more decisive and have your back as a couple. It seems she could be trying to disrupt your relationship.

@Styker it doesn’t matter if it’s through court! Making a woman go to the child maintenance service to ensure a man pays towards his child is disgusting.

@surethingmaybe do you not understand that he should have paid for his child without her having to go through that channel? I’m not sure your DP is as decent as you think he is

Do you think she would try to withhold SD if your partner shut down her attempts to try to make their relationship more than co-parents? It sounds like the two of you have his daughter more than her mom at her request.

If she did try that, your partner could go to court and work out a set schedule. That might work out better in the long run.

@Blessthismess2

You seem to think you know some “magic words” and if you repeat them often enough it will make you right. That is not how it works you have to make a coherent argument. Repeating “misogyny” and “patriarchy” are not magic solutions for your lack of consistency in your position.

You must be a very entitled person in real life to not see how entitled this women is. Normal people know that other people owe you nothing beyond the bare legal minimum. If you want functional human relationships you have to go out find those people and be worthy of a positive relationship. If you behave badly towards people you will not find many healthy relationships. You don’t get to emotionally dump on someone one else because you feel like it. You need to have fostered the friendship where the person wants to listen to you.

The reason this being a ONS matters is there was no agreement between them to have a child, no relationship that subsequently broke down, this was an accident and she chose to keep the child. He wants to fulfil his obligations to the child. He has no obligation to her. Just as she has no obligation to him if he gets upset.

You seem fixated on the ONS as if it make her a “sex robot” but as they both knew it was a ONS then was she treating him as a sex robot? Was she reducing him to his sexuality? Or does you logic only run one way? (OK, we have all see that it does).

You want him to hold obligations that only exist in your head.

“You do realise that sex isn’t the only thing that defines a relationship or an emotional attachment right?”

How do you not see you are arguing against yourself. The only connection was the sex they had and the consequence of a child. They weren’t friends, a couple or married no ongoing emotional bond at all. You have a gay friend who agreed to be a sperm donor for you is not relevant to this, as he chose to be involved with you.

Are you always this petty and spiteful?
Making a point to the OP that her partner is her boyfriend? grow up.

Nothing petty or spiteful...it's a fact.
That's exactly what her partner is, her boyfriend...so no need for me to grow up.

I really don't see why OP or anyone has a problem when its pointed out that they're making themselves out to be something they're not, then accuse others of being spitefulful and petty.

OP is happy to slate the mother of his DC off for stating something that isn't correct yet doing the very same herself.

And whether you like it or not, the term DSD will apply here if the OP and her partner stay together. Or do you think that the OP should refer to her as “my boyfriend’s child”?

Again, yes, another fact, as that's exactly who the DC is, the OP's boyfriends child.
What's so hard to understand in that?

DSD is a term which blended families use, regardless of whether there’s a wedding ring involved. Marriage in that instance is just semantics.

It may well be a term used, but reality is, whether you like it or not, unless there's a marriage those people that parents of DC become involved with and subsequently spilt are just that, people passing through a DC life along they way.

If OP's DB feels he's being harassed he could easily put a stop to this by going through the courts...if he so wishes.

Yes absolutely that's using your child as a weapon.

Someone not wanting to rock the boat with an ex in case its affects his relationship with his child isnt using his child as a weapon.

it’s a matter of opinion.

If the mother decided to restrict access to the child based on his telling her not to call him at 1 AM or refusing to stand guarantor on her house that is the very definition of using a child as a weapon.

Can you imagine the thread? “I had a one ight stand five years ago and we have a child together. Me and the child’s father have 50/50 access. I feel I should be able to lean on him, so I ring him regularly to discuss my problems, sometimes at 1 AM. I also am about to buy a house and have asked him to stand guarantor. He has said no, and has asked me not to call him all the time and especially in the middle of the night. I don’t feel that he is being a decent co parent. AIBU to stop contact?”

The fact she asked your DP to guarantee her rent/mortgage for her and her DP just show how much she lacks self awareness and sense.

You do realise that sex isn’t the only thing that defines a relationship or an emotional attachment right?

There are all kinds of people in my life who I’ve never had sex with.
(including my co-parent lol).

Anyway I think we’ve been talking at cross purposes for quite some time now, so may be time to agree to disagree.

I certainly do base how much Emotional attachment all apply to somebody based on the number of times we’ve had sex if it’s under five, yes.
That wouldn’t change, whether the fuck ended with me getting my period or getting a baby.

What seems absolutely incredulous to me Is this woman doesn’t actually even know if he is somebody she ought to be leading on emotionally.
She knows nothing about him.

Due to the fact that she was a one night stand.

Surely it’s obvious that the advice to the OO should be, tell your DP it bothers you.
She already has.
Tell him he needs to manage it better.
She already has.
He’s decided how to manage it, so now she just needs to decide if she can put up with it how it is. She has no say over the child’s mother, and not really much say over how her DP handles it - he’s four years down the road with this woman.

OP can only decide if she stays or goes.

NO! I’m saying a person’s relationship to their co-parent is not a simple derivative of how many times they had sex.

What matters is that they share a child.

Fucking history is entirely irrelevant but you seem to be obsessed with it 🫣.

@never2many agree apart from the last point. I dont think that's the definition of using your child as a weapon.

So you’re suggesting that I should have the same emotional obligation to somebody that I fucked five years ago once as somebody that’s in my life and important to me and I love. I have that same social contract with them do I?
my life is about to get complicated then 🤣🤣🤣

I added the "as yet" as OP just can't seem to accept that the DC isn't her DSC no matter how much she does for her.

So what do you call a woman who has a one night stand, falls pregnant and decides not to involve the father at all because it was just a one night stand?

Go and look up the term misogynist. Because people throw that around as an insult in order to counter anything they don’t like about someone.

A one night stand is irrelevant. What is relevant is the child. The end.

And what the majority of people are telling you is that the fact that it’s a one night stand is entirely relevant.

yeh I get that’s what people are saying. because of misogyny. People’s analysis of the situation is sadly entirely shaped by patriarchy.

The realty is that OP’s partner and this woman share a child. Whether they shagged once or 50,000 times changes nothing about that situation.

Jesus Christ, the responses on this thread are more batshit than many I’ve seen on MN. In fact I expect this thread to come up one day on one of those “what’s the most batshit response to a thread you’ve ever seen” threads.

Firstly, what’s with the obsession over the OP’s partner paying maintenance even though he has 50/50? How have we reached a point where people are actively saying that the OP’s DP shouldn’t be paying maintenance? I can only assume that these posters are either men, second wives who resent the DSC, or women whose ex’s don’t pay maintenance and so they’re resentful.

Newsflash, there are men who do pay maintenance in order to provide for their children in their mother’s home. My ex did, and we didn’t go to court for that either. And when the 50/50 arrangement broke down, we didn’t have to quibble about money because it was already in place.

Secondly, anyone who would be happy with an ex ringing their partner at 1 AM, asking him to go guarantor on a house, calling multiple times a day with trivial stuf like the OP’s dp’s ex is is lying. And if this was a woman posting that her ex was doing so the responses would be vastly different.

The man had a one night stand. He became a father out of that one night stand and has a relationship with his child.

He needs to have a decent co parenting relationship with the child’s mother, but that absolutely does not stretch to taking 1 AM phone calls about trivialities or going guarantor on a house. Who the fuck does she think she is?

And for the poster saying that maybe he’s afraid to rock the boat in case it has a detrimental impact on his relationship with DD, way to use a child as a weapon. Well done.