DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

This stood out to me. Can you explain how caring for your child 50% of the time (actually slightly more in this case I believe with the additional adhoc days) is the ‘bare minimum’?

This is the exact amount of care the child’s Mum provides but I don’t see you saying she should pay Dad any CMS?

Make it make sense?!

I mean, technically, if DSD is with you for over 50% of the week the the ex may owe your DP CMS.

EX is being thoroughly unreasonable. She has no right to demand your DP’s attention whenever she wants. If she goes around crying wolf every 5 seconds it’s going to blow up on her eventually.

Well done to your DP for manning up and supporting his daughter.

I think he should ignore the calls and maybe send a message asking if its urgent. He should say he will talk when it's convenient for him to.

She shouldn't be calling at times like 1am - thats ridiculous. He should leave his phone on silent after certain times if he can and just not answer if its after a certain time at night.

When it comes to knowing where he is on hols - tell her to mind her own business. Absolutely nothing to do with her.

Sounds like shes a bit obsessed with him and trying to build more of a relationship when there isn't one to be had.

Put it another way: the mother of his child owes you nothing, and doesn't have to consider your feelings when she is communicating with the father of their child.

He's dealing with the unnecessary contacts, not your business to get involved.

You are with a man who already has a child. Accept it or leave. Things won't change there, there will always be the mother in his life one way or another.

And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting
as everybody is saying, you do nothing. Your DP is handling it and he seems to be fine.

Stay well out of it, it's not your role or your place to get involved and uspet the mother of your kids' partner. She hasn't done anything to YOU, and the man she is contacting is dealing with it himself!

You are perfectly right but there is not much you can do as your DP chooses—very reasonably—to ignore the problem behavior. He does not feel it is wise to start a fight to reset the relationship back to where he wants it.

And for those acting like a ONS comes with “family” like relationships obviously it does not. The DP is courteous and supportive but he is not obligated to be the ex’s emotional support when she has her own family and DP for that. She is far too fixated on him.

She can have a say, of course, but it's on her boyfriend to sort communications with the child's mother. If it's bothering him he can easily mute notifications.

And yet that's the only way you can be certain that her lack of boundaries will not continue to encroach on your life in future, if your boyfriend prefers to maintain the status quo.

It doesn't matter if she has been dating him for 1 year, heck it doesn't even matter if DP is single, he is NOT her emotional support after a one night stand 5 years ago especially when the woman has her current relationship.

She needs to have a say when the woman calls and calls and calls when they are out or doing something as a couple, how is that not her problem? Calling at midnight and waking them up over a non issue?

Are you saying she shouldn't say anything now because she's been only dating for 2 years but when she hits the 5 year mark then she can complain?

Yes the relationship should be fun and easy but the woman is having an impact. Her DP is frustrated and that frustration will seep into her relationship so she can't just turn a blind eye and say "la la la" pretending it's not having an impact because she wants to be in the "fun and easy" stage

The right thing to do is share how she feels with her DP and they align on how to handle it. Ignoring it will lead to resentment and get their relationship.

I agree with this.

She’s obviously finding being a single parent hard. Their joint child is clearly her main focus and expects their child to be his too. Which is fair enough, although midnight phone calls aren’t.

If his DD is with you both 50% of the time and more, then your house is her main or at least her equal home. She doesn’t “stay” with you - she lives there. I think that’s important to have in mind.

Your DP is right to ignore the unreasonable bits.

I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to say “don’t phone me unless it’s an emergency” though.

OP has only been dating her boyfriend for 2 years, the relationship should be fun and easy.

She doesn't need to get involved with the two parents chats and communications, it wouldn't benefit her in any way.
Obviously the man should put his phone on silent or do not disturb if he can't stop the kids mother calling in the middle of the night.

WTH has that got to do with anything? He has accepted his responsibility for the child, pays CMS and does more than 50:50 care so what are you on about????

Their relationship is solely based on the child and the woman already has another relationship so no he is not her emotional support and it is not his problem if she thinks her current DP is cheating

Obviously he can support eg if she says I am struggling and need time can you take DD so I can get some me time yes, but she doesn't get to unburden her emotional and relationship issues on his and call at ungodly hours with no respect for his his own current relationship.

Sometimes MM posters are bonkers.
What she is doing it's not OK. You'd wonder what her partner makes of it. I don't know how to advise you OP, but YANBU.

He needs to be he one to enforce boundaries

phone off after X o’clock and don’t answer it , be clear what an emergency is ie ambulance or police involvement trip to A and E ( hopefully she won’t fake these)

make sure he is on school mailing list and WhatsApp group so he knows what’s going on and doesn’t need her to fill him in about school fayre etc

can you do pick up and drop off / answer the door and ask her to email him any info to reduce unnecessary chit chat ?

He obviously didn't mind if she grew him a child or he wouldn't have had unprotected sex with a stranger.

It has everything to do with her if it is affecting her relationship and she also helps to look after DSD.

This weird narrative on Mumsnet that a step parent has nothing to do with the stepchild etc doesn't exist in real life, decisions affecting the stepchild also affect the step parent so she has a say.

Yes they final decision may lie with her DH but she has a say and any man or woman who loves and respects his/her DP also needs to take into consideration how this situation will affect his current DP not play the "it has nothing to do with you" card which is just a cop out to avoid dealing with the issue appropriately.

It's not her boundaries that are the problem - you can't control other people's boundaries; they're something we set to determine what we will accept or tolerate. The only boundaries your DP can control or manage are his own.

Has his phone rung at 1am more than once? If so, why has he not put his phone on silent? If she has the DD, then he has to communicate to his exP that unfortunately he won't be contactable in an emergency whilst she continues to attempt to contact him at times that he deems (and communicates) to be unacceptable. Similarly, if she keeps him talking on the doorstep then the solution is for him to say "nice to catch up about DD, but I don't have time to chat more. See you next week". She keeps ringing on a day out, he text her to say he's blocking her number today and h will of course be in touch if there is an emergency or if DD wants to talk to her mum.

Nothing to do with you-sorry.

You can't control someone else's behaviour here. I think all you can do is respect your DP's position on it, which sounds reasonable, given the context of wanting to maintain an amicable ongoing co-parenting relationship of a child who is still very young, so there's a long road to go.

And respectfully, this woman isn't going anywhere. If her irritating pattern of communication is bothering you to this extent, I think you should consider ending your relationship. It's literally the only thing you can do to ensure she's no longer 'encroaching'. If your relationship is otherwise happy, I'd work on changing my attitude to her contact patterns, though. The only behaviour you can control here is your own, whether that's changing your mindset or ending things.

That's unacceptable and absolute rubbish and if he doesn't nip it in the bud she will continue to push and push and you will find yourselves dancing to her tune to your detriment.

Their one night stand was 5 years ago, the child is now 4 and she has her own current relationship so it's not OPs DP's responsibility to stop her being lonely or deal with the fact that she thinks her current DP is cheating.

Not saying anything will just lead to frustration and resentment in OPs relationship because I can assure you her DP will be frustrated and so will OP and it will affect their relationship.

Saying something doesn't mean he has to be mean or disrespectful but he needs to have the firm conversation about boundaries and that the basis of their relationship is the child not her other relationship issues and he needs to enforce the boundaries.