DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

Thats Not being decent. That’s being taken for a mug

Is it odd that she’s struggling with a young child and looking for help from the person she had the child with? No. I’m sure you and do tag team, she doesn’t have that, the person she can talk to about her child isn’t there. I don’t agree with her looking for her help from him all the time but I definitely don’t think it’s strange

Or maybe she enjoys pulling the strings! The OP's partner needs to fix the time the child's with him and not respond to her demands to change the time to suit her for no reason.

You know CMS is the minimum suggested to support a child?
It is not good that he pays CMS, it's the absolute minimum.

I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to say “don’t phone me unless it’s an emergency” though.

Why not? Surely if it's not urgent she can text. She doesn't need to speak to him unless it's about something urgent.

Just stay out of it OP. It's up to your DP to set boundaries and stick to them. His child's mother's behaviour is his problem to deal with. If he chooses to ignore it, that's up to him. Let him get on with it.

It’s quite funny the change in a BM behaviour when a new girlfriend arrives in the picture. It’s almost textbook.

Either that or she didn’t need to have boundaries prior to your existence because your DP didn’t need her to.

You are not being harsh. Her relationships with other men is not your DPs responsibility to help with.

However, he is right you are best off keeping out as much as you can. You have no ability to influence the situation and it will wear you down. He should probably seek advice on the best way to manage the interactions.

Except I don't think anyone's said that, only that the OP can't control how anyone else behaves, however unreasonable that behaviour might be, only her own responses to the behaviour.

Tbh, she sounds incredibly fragile to me, and if my child was spending 50% of her time with a parent who appeared not to be coping, if she were phoning me at midnight because she couldn't get our child to sleep, or trying to confide in my on the doorstep about her boyfriend's infidlelity, I'd probably want to keep the channels of communication open and take calls even at inconvenient time. I imagine there's a lurking fear he can't even articulate to himself that at some point she'll be calling to say she's parked on the edge of the river with the four year old in the car and can't take it any longer.

It’s odd and annoying but I think he is right to ignore her, if he says something it could cause further problems and her behaviour could become worse. It does sound like she still wants to be in a relationship with him.

What do you want him to do? Would it assuage your concerns if he cut her off completely

I would suggest your partner looks at one of the parenting apps. He can then insist all communication goes through that - gicing him a record (admissable in court if need be) That enables him to block her through other means and also suggest his sister, mum and anyone else she uses block her too.

It feels like she is still wanting a relationship with him and isn't taking no for an answer sadly.

Id out phone on mute once 8pm comes and tell her to ring landline if its an emergency. Then you answer the landlines any time she calls. She might get the message

She can’t, no

so your dp needs to do it for her and it sounds like he is

I’d advise to make sure it doesn’t come between you two - I’d support him and not go down the road of getting annoyed with him.

phones can be switched off, doors unanswered

This thread is absolutely bonkers 😂Everyone saying that she's well within her rights to keep ringing the OPs DP in the middle of the night because she has a child with him?! Um, they had a one night stand 5 years ago?! It wouldn't even be ok if they'd been married or in a long term relationship!

You don't ring your ex repeatedly - especially at odd hours! - unless it is an emergency.

Anyway, regardless, it's on your DP to deal with this one @surethingmaybe .If he is ok with it and doesn't want to put his phone on silent / turn notifications off then he obviously doesn't mind the contact. No matter what he is saying to you. Which is fine and his prerogative. However you just have to decide whether you can live with it - for potentially the next 10-15 years - or not.

I think these situations are common when a childfree woman/man gets involved in a relationship with a single parent. My ex was childfree while I was a single parent and he used to get annoyed when I coparented with XH. I know when I was childfree, I would never have got involved with a single parent as it would probably irritate me too.

She shouldn’t be constantly calling him but as long as their communications are regarding the child, then you will need to swallow it up.

What SHE does is absolutely none of your business.
How your DH responds to it, can be your business. But if you’ve talked to him and he is adamant that he is dealing with it the best way he can, you just have to accept it. He is a parent and has to deal with his daughter’s mother.
Alternatively, you leave him! This is an issue between the two of you. You have no right to judge or comment on HER behaviour.

You're right, my response was clumsy. However I feel if you have a child with someone it's in that child's best interest that both parents feel supported by each other regarding their child. I'd imagine that must be very difficult to manage as it's a situation that will continue for years and both sides may not always be reasonable.

Your partner is right to pay child support.
He is also right to dedicate only realistic time to the child's mother.
Would it be better for the girl if the days she stayed were more predictable?
Your DP should have a friendly and respectful relationship with his daughter's mother. Ideally you should too - if you are in the girl's life for years and years.

My guess is that she is now fully aware that DP is a decent bloke, unlike her current partner, and she is wishing DP was more than just "DC's dad".

OP, stay out of it as much as you can, but support your DP if he is struggling to deal with it. You have been given some good suggestions about strengthening his boundaries, which you could pass onto him.

@surethingmaybeI really feel for you OP.
Would your partner ever consider becoming the resident parent so that he has more formal responsibilities and control- this might help the mum to cope better too and be more settled for the child.

I don’t know what they are called but you can get an app that limits communication to solely about the child and care arrangements used in less amicable co parenting situations, it would mean your DP could block her number , it’s less personal and he’d have a record of unreasonable communications.

Edited to add we found it worked so much better and was less stressful for everyone when this happened to us when DH became resident parent, was a relief to the child and it meant the stress of the constantly changing plans and adhoc requests don’t impact us all as much and it also means that the my DH doesn’t feel like he’s just a kindly relative doing his ex favours by caring for his own child.

I have no idea what your post has to do with what I said.

Them having an unprotected one night stand does not mean he has a duty of care towards her simply because she chose to carry a child to term. He has an obligation to the child.

He owes the child’s mother nothing.

You might think that, and I might think that, and the OP might think that, but ultimately, it's the decision of the OP's boyfriend how he deals with contact from his child's mother. The OP can communicate what she would like to happen, but ultimately it's not her call. All she can do is decide if she's unhappy enough with the status quo to end things.

You seem determined that your boyfriend should have no relationship with the mother of his child, but he does and always will.

It comes across that you'd like them to exchange terse texts about arrangements only. Who do you think this woman is 'disrespecting'? You? It seems that you really want her to acknowledge you as number one in your boyfriend's life which comes across as petty.