DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

It's nothing other than stating exactly what she's doing. That's not misogyny. To be clear.

Actually a lot of people have called her behaviour weird , crazy etc. but everything you are saying is just as problematic and misogynistic. “Sniffing round this man”, desparado, pathetic.

Awful. And personally I don’t think it’s helpful to the OP or her step child but hey ho.

You're the one that keeps referring to her as deranged.

Back in the real world and the rest of the thread, she's just desperate for a man that doesn't want her, using a child to contact him for no reason, so simply a bit pathetic and frankly embarrassing herself. Not deranged. Just a desperado. Which if you are the actual woman in the man's life, must get fucking tiresome, that this idiot pretends she's sniffing round the man "in the best interests of her child.".

There was a poster who a few pages back offered what I thought was really insightful analysis .
She suggested that this woman might be struggling to cope with parenting . maybe she is seeking a closer coparenting bond- anxious to know more about the father of her child -to better understand his thoughts and behaviours in different situations- since her 4 year old spends so much time in his care.

Again, none of this suggests she is going about things the right way , or that OP and her partner can’t set firm boundaries, it’s just to recognise that the desire for connection isn’t necessarily reducible to how many times they had sex and isn’t completely bizarre/ unintelligible.

I’m not condoning her behaviour, or suggesting that she is modelling some kind of new age feminist example, nor suggesting this situation has anything to do with mine, I’m simply objecting to people suggesting that these two parents are nothing to each other because all that connects them is a ONS , and therefore this woman is deranged , no less, (a stage 5 clinger if you will) for having/ expressing an attachment to this man.

I would see your point if fighting heteronormativity and misogynistic assumptions about coparenting were what was going on here. But you are really struggling to force the woman described here into that interesting model because she is absolutely not fighting the power or doing snything other than exploiting cultural (misogynistic) tropes about helpless women incapable of managing their own shit.

She is trying to turn the DP into s confidante in her conflicts with her dp, has asked him to be a guarantor yo a property, and frequently leaves the shared child with him without regard to the agreement. How is that some radical reinterpretation of the misogynist text? How does she choose to support the OP snd her DP as parents and coparents in some new age way? She isn’t. She is, in fact, badgering them and extracting more support than she puts into the pot. Her model is not particularly evolved, feminist, nor does it have anything to do with your situation.

Ah well, I feel like we are all just repeating the same points over and over again.

I don’t think it’s weird at all to seek to form a relationship with one’s co-parent- in fact I think it’s entirely normal, appropriate and absolutely in the best interests of one’s children.
But then I am personally a coparent operating outside of the typical nuclear hetero- bubble, so maybe that’s why I don’t think parenting relationships are entirely defined by / reducible to sex/ romance as everyone else seems to.
I think it’s really problematic that social norms have dictated such a narrow perspective on parenting relationships. I do think it objectifies women/ mothers, and I don’t think it’s helpful for parenting or in the best interests of children.

But I don’t think I am going to persuade anyone here of this or vice versa sadly.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Right.

It’s weird to badger somebody who is essentially a stranger into trying to form a relationship outside a child they accidentally created together.

She knows he’s the father of her 4 year old- she’s known that for the last 4 years and that alone makes it not the least bit strange/ deranged etc that she should feel/ express some kind of human connection/ attachment to him- ONS or not!

Wrong.

He was a stranger. In many ways he is a stranger. What does she really know about apart from him being that father of her child.

There has never been any meaningful relationship between the two of them. They simply co-parent a child.

Instead you are substitute fighting with posters—sealioning really—and substituting your own fantasy issue for the real one

I don’t know why it’s so impossible for people to accept that others have a very different opinion/ perspective to them without resorting to this kind of personal attack.

I guess it’s an aversion to having one’s assumptions/ prejudices challenged? 🤷🏼‍♀️

his life now is nothing to do with her

Yeh we’re just going to have to completely disagree. Just a totally different set of values.

I'm not using sexual or romantic history, it doesn't matter how long they've been together his life now is nothing to do with her. I'm so glad DH just used to ignore his ex when she called him, it made life so much easier for all of us as everyone knew where they stood.

ETA their kids were adults which meant there was no need for her to call him at all so I appreciate so I appreciate it's different circumstances. However OP's DP will only get through to this woman by having minimum contact. I would say that whether she was a ONS or a longer term partner.

They have a relationship but its one of fiduciary duty to the child. If he’s no good, ir she is no good (abusive, violent, drug addicted) they each have a higher duty to report and take full control of the child than absolute strangers. But that is a duty to the child, impised on them by biology and kaw, not a duty to each other.

At any rate the instant question is how should the man and his new family deal with an intrusive and inappropriate ex—to grant her the term—? Why are you unable to grasp that this is the issue? Instead you are substitute fighting with posters—sealioning really—and substituting your own fantasy issue for the real one.

These are false , objectifying and dehumanising distinctions. Parents are human beings.
Like all human relationships, of course, there are boundaries that need to be respected - like don’t call in the middle of the night , or repeatedly call - and it’s not ok for her to cross these, but it’s totally unfair to use sexual / romantic history to diminish her relevance as the mother of this child and as a co-parent. They have a relationship, it’s important, and it’s not founded on romance or sex.

The only attachment is the child. Anything else about him and his life is none of her business. She doesn't need to speak to him about her relationship, she doesn't need to call him unless it's an emergency with the child. It's none of her business when or where he's on holiday unless it affects his time with the daughter. Maybe if he actually ignored her she'd get the message.

Is it something that you would do ?

You have a one night stand with anybody You could literally be creating 50% of Ted Bundy to come and live in your house with you.
People really ought to be more circumspect to they breed with

This lady had one night to make a decision that she wants to be tethered to him for 18 years. I mean it’s just ludicrous when you say it out loud. Nobody knows what kind of person this man is

What are you saying here? It was ludicrous for her not to get an abortion?

One of them in their teens, early teens.
To a degree, I accept that the age is matter but the point stands.
I had 14 years to get to know that he is a deeply unpleasant person that nobody should be around on a regular basis.

This lady had one night to make a decision that she wants to be tethered to him for 18 years. I mean it’s just ludicrous when you say it out loud. Nobody knows what kind of person this man is

Are people calling him deranged and a woman-trap/ scammer because he was only a ONS?

How old are your children 10 years after you split?

There’s another thread running where the man is over stepping the mark post split with a child and everyone is rightly telling to tell him where to go

I have 4 children with my ex who i lived with for 14 years.
He is a stranger 10 years after we split, we know nothing about each other anymore and nor do we want to.

A Bond over a shag turned into a 4 year old is ridiculous suggestion.