To think these comments from my mum are slightly racist and unnecessary

that’s awful, I’d be speaking sharply to her and tell her she’s being a racist.
My late mother ( 1920’s born) was extremely racist but would strongly deny she was, my father ( same age) was not a racist but made excuses for her - looking back he probably would be called an enabler, but I used to think he just wanted a quiet life so let her get away with things.
When she met my 2nd husband ( I was in my late40’s so past having more children) she whispered to me “ well at least he’s not TOO dark”…. and “ at least you wont have to have mixed race children”
Awful, but can’t be put down entirely to generation, there have been some horrid cases in the news recently involving racist young teenagers

Blimey op. If thats slightly racist I would hate to hear her full throttle… That language is unacceptable and she needs to stop. End of.

The non Brits being nicer than Brits comment is absolutely ridiculous. And i say that as a dd of an immigrant.

Agree that the dm is being xenophobic and the op should address that with her dm.

It’s racism

my mum has told me iof her suspicions about the number of Indian type people now working at sainsburys and tescos and no local workers are now seen as they seem to prefer these types

I reminded her that my dad is south Asian

apparently this is different 🙄

Slightly racist???
Sorry OP, it’s your mum but she is really nasty and horrible. Luckily it seems you didn’t come after her and neither did your DSs.
Please challenge her consistently, politely and patiently but until she changes - don’t subject your sons and their girlfriends to these disgusting views.
I actually couldn’t past through the very first one - it’s not the attitude of loving grandma, no way.

Read what I wrote again

You are being just as prejudicial and stereotypical as OPs mother.

You need to directly, firmly and politely tell her that those views are not acceptable and she is not to voice them in your presence, your home or in front of the boys and their gfs. Even if you can’t negotiate with changing her views, you can certainly draw a line and I don’t believe age is a factor.

My best friend is gay and was a bridesman at our wedding. My MIL before she was my MIL always knew this about my best friend, but would still make vague comments about “you know what I’m like about “them” I’m just not comfortable with it”…. She’s not remotely religious (I grew up in a Christian household, my dads 75 and loves my best friend and always has so religion and age aren’t factors/excuses ever, but definitely not for her!) so I get the impression she just finds it “gross”.

I’ve always told her I don’t agree and moved on the discussion, but last summer before our wedding in November ( where she’d see my friend) she made some vague “you know I’m just uncomfortable with it” comment having brought it up (I’ve never let her think it’s ok round me so not sure why she did!) and I was direct but polite like a parent or teacher would be. I said to her that while I didn’t agree with her views and thought they were disgusting, I recognised that it wasn’t my place to change them and I was not remotely interested in trying to PURELY to keep the peace between us, but that if she ever brought them it up in front of me again, she was opening the floor to me giving my personal views on her opinion being stupid….which I’m sure neither of us wanted to have.

my FIL seemed to have cogs whirring on whether to say something to me and she just sat in shock. My husband came back from the bar with our drinks and we moved the conversation on and had lunch. She has never brought it up again. While I’d not fall out with her over her views, as its almost so comical to the point it’s a mental disorder you’ve got to feel sorry for, I’d get louder if she was daft enough to bring it up.

I think for you however, given you have three future spouses (if not them, potentially other girls from somewhere else!) and sons that look up to you, you need to say that to her AND follow through if she voices those opinions to you even if it’s not in front of them and openly disinvite her from the next event so she knows you’re serious. If you can sit her down and talk her round from being racist, obviously do that, but in my case it was a MIL who I know (in my husbands own words, is “thick as mince”….) won’t comprehend or listen to me.

People who are racist make excuses for their own behaviour and I bet if you called her out she might say you’re being sensitive. I’m the “foreign girl” in my husband’s family (I’m Indian, he’s white British) and have been on the direct receiving end of racism. It’s reached a point where I’ve cut ties with most of his family - you can tell her that she needs to consider such a scenario.

Another lazy stereotype. My mother is a pensioner and not like this. My grandmother was not like this. Plenty of the older generation are not bigots.

“Older generation” is no excuse. My SIL is Polish and none of the older generation in my family ever said anything like this.

No you're not being unreasonable. I think its very unfair to expose these women to someone with your mother's views. I couldn't in all conscience have them socialising in good faith with someone I knew thought and said these things behind their back. I'd tell my mother this and that she wouldn't be invited in future.

AIBU to stop inviting my mum to any dinners with my sons and their GFs as she is clearly bigoted and unable to get to know them as people. I don’t want to subject these women who are now a part of our family to her xenophobic views!

Sorry I did not see this. If she is talking like this in front of those women I would absolutely not invite her to dinner parties. It’s unfair to your sons and their partners.

That is where my username comes from yes!

@JHoundhow is racism and xenophobia the same thing?

Sorry your mom’s a dinosaur.

Not sure there is anything you can do if she chooses to be a dinosaur.
Maybe explain to her that should things become serious with these women: marriage / kids and she carries on as she does she may find her grandsons distancing themselves from her.

It’s such a strange mindset though. Assuming people with partners of different backgrounds cannot “get” partners of the same background.

Some of us just don’t have racial / nationality / ethnicity based filters when selecting life partners.

Also I am sure some MNs will start to quibble with you as to whether the “correct” term is xenophobia or racism but same difference.

Depends on the colour of your sons and their respective girlfriends whether this is racist or not. If your son is white and dating a black German national for example, her comments are racist and xenophobic.
If your son is black British (for example) and his girlfriend is also black but a foreign national, then it’s solely xenophobia, nothing else. Ugly in both scenarios but entirely different things.

It's xenophobia rather than racism, but that's a technicality. Either way, it's vile and offensive, and of course, it has fuck all to do with her age.

Stop inviting her and tell her why.

Your mum's comments are very racist and xenophobic and I would definitely stop inviting her to any dinners or other social events with your sons and their girlfriends.

My dad would be 94 if he was alive and he was a committed anti-racist all his life. It isn't an age thing, it's a 'your mum being deeply unpleasant about people based on their race/nationality' thing.

These comments are so ridiculous that I'd be tempted to respond with

'Mum, you know when you make those comments it makes you sound really thick, don't you?'

Could be kinder, but i don't see any point in being nice to people who think like this. What a horrible woman, assuming all these nasty things about people.

Don't be daft, it's not a whole generation. Stop making ageist stereotypes. Oh, the irony.

She’s xenophobic, not racist, but those are still awful comments. I wouldn’t be surprised if her grandsons never want to see her again.

Come on! Surely we can't keep excusing racism and xenophobia because of old age. I find that quite agist to be honest. My dad and his siblings all married foreigners (one was a Muslim) and my grandparents didn't make such comments. They would be around 115 if still alive!

@DappledThings completely off topic I know - but are you a fan of Gerard Manley Hopkins by any chance? We read his poem 'Dappled Things' at my mother's funeral as she used to say discovering that she was a 'dappled thing' was what reconciled her to her freckles.

I hope she does not say these things in front of them or your son's? If she behaves herself when with them I would continue to invite her as it's only by getting to know them that she'll be able to see past her stereotypes