I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

It sounds like she jealous that you’ve got all this in place for your daughter and she’s worried that your DD will succeed and hers won’t, so she’s trying to copy your strategy. I think I’d be annoyed too as she’s using you. I’d ignore her texts and tell your DD not to answer her questions. It’s competitive and you want your DD to have the best chance. Good luck to her.

Are you scared you’re dd won’t get in so you’re bit telling her? A bit like not telling everyone when your driving test is?

I think it is sneaky and underhanded for an adult to ask a child a question that they wouldn't ask the parent. Going as far as to get your DD to help her find him in her phone.

I don't like adults that do things like this. I think you should always go through the parents and let kids be kids. On the surface she's "just asking about the tutor", but actually, she waited until you were gone and then began asking your DD questions.
I wouldn't like this at all.

Once you are out of the ridiculous insanity that is the 11+, you'll realise that it doesn't really matter which tutor and which books because different things work for different people. Also, her DD won't be competing with yours for a place so who cares how she goes about her preparation?
. If you want, you can be quite vague, "Oh I just got the standard 11+ books off Amazon", or "We found the tutor on this website".

Also, please don't let your DD know you would be embarrassed if people knew she sat the exam and didn't get in. There is no shame in missing out on a highly competitive exam you sit at 10 years old.

But letting someone copy your homework is a choice. I used to let one of the most terrifying girls at my rough school copy my maths in return for her implicit ‘protection’ (I was dreadful at maths, so I think she felt it was more credible than if she copied from a maths prodigy). I stand over the decision more than 30 years on, because it got me through school relatively unscathed. (And the copier died in her thirties from an overdose after two prison sentences, the poor woman.)

I wouldn’t share the information, if you don’t want to, but you can’t prevent someone asking. You can only decide how to respond to someone asking. It’s always a choice.

Totally get where you are coming from. I do like to help people, however I've noticed some people just take and take and never help or share anything back. I've since become a bit more cautious. I still help people and I will share some things even if I feel their taking advantage of me because I know it may benefit, but I don't share much about my private life anymore except with a small group of family/friends. Have had to teach my children the same. Some people are just users and nasty and you should protect yourself from them.

I had someone like that. She didn't like me but wanted to know stuff. At first I told her and felt used and annoyed. Then I started telling her wrong things, that worked well! If she pulled me up on it I'd say, oops sorry! She stopped asking me. However I do share info with friends! Just tell her to ask the tutor as you can't remember. Tell daughter to stop telling her everything and just reply," I don't know, ask my mum" from now on!

I know, on both counts. I used to feel that someone wishing me good luck would jinx me.
You have a competitive parent OP. I had one at primary school. Our girls were the youngest in class. One morning, I arrived to find this woman going through my daughter's exercise books to see her marks. I didn't hold back! Try it.

OP, I’m not surprised you’re annoyed with the bloody woman.

She’s made zero effort with you before but now you have something she wants (tips and information), she’s hassling both you and your daughter for it.

Teach your daughter that it’s ok to ignore her and not answer her questions. I’ve taught my DS that it’s ok not to respond to intrusive adults if he doesn’t want to.

As for the text, I’d ignore it completely and block her. Don’t feel obliged to reply, apologise or explain yourself. You owe her nothing.

OP, I get it. You got no help from anyone and had to find the tutor yourself. Now, a person you barely know is trying to get information from you, which you got by trial and error.

I don't know if posters are being stupid/naive or are deliberately trying to wind ypu up. They SAY that THEY would share information. From what you have experienced, even decent people would not share the information with you.

This is like spending ages doing homework and then letting someone you barely know, copy it. I am sure a lot of posters won't understand this either. They will say, we are adults. Why is she talking about school.😂

Just try to teach your daughter to be vague about cheeky questioning in future. A great thing would be to say 'why do you want to know' or I would NEVER ask this' . I have seen people repeat the question back to the cf and start laughing., then changing the subject.

Is it actually about control maybe? You have had to make the effort to find a good tutor, and it feels like your "territory" that your DD is having lessons with this tutor?
i get that this private arrangement may feel as though it has been intruded upon by neighbour and that it feels uncomfortable.
Don't engage with this woman, don't reply to messages, and keep walking if you see how, with just a throwaway Hi over your shoulder, so you don't get into conversation with her.
Teach DD not to answer her or anyone else who asks nosey questions.

She’s a CF.

You resent her because she’s only communicating with you when she wants something, and is otherwise unfriendly. Why should you help her out? I’d feel the same, but if you know her dd then I’d probably share for her sake and not her mother’s. It’s not as if she might end up taking a space your dd could have had, if they are in different years.

OP haven't you irretrievably jinxed yourself by announcing your aspirations to the entire internet?

I think asking a 7 year old for information is most inappropriate although I’m baffled as to how a child of that age could provide full name, address and phone number. Maybe message her saying you would prefer her to ask you for any information she is looking for and then direct her to any generic websites that exist and give vague answers about differing learning styles.

Surely any good tutors will be fully booked anyway?

However as I say, it’s most inappropriate to ask a young child for this information rather than her parents.

Yeah, she’s using you for info and isn’t even polite or thankful about it. The grilling needs to stop, for starters. The best way is to tell her that you have been very careful to apply no pressure on your child and that you don’t want her to keep having to answer questions about exams when she’s playing etc. Tell your daughter to answer ‘I’m not sure’ or ‘I don’t know’ or where possible. As for books etc, type in something to Amazon and whatever comes up first, tell her that. Then she gets nothing from you that she wouldn’t find herself.

Sorry but you are very odd. Your child is going to feel immense pressure regarding this exam.

I understand your annoyance but if this is for grammar school, you’re both trying to game the system by using tutors, so using your privilege to gain advantage over other people’s DC so you’re both as bad as each other imo.

Have some self-awareness and get a grip of yourself.

Yes you're being ridiculous.

If they’re not the same age then why on earth does it matter if she knows the books or tutor? There’s no competition.

I get it OP. Ultimately, your business is your business and you don't have to tell her anything about anything.
You don't like her and her quizzing you or your daughter is getting your back up because she hasn't attempted to be friends with you or share the day to day niceties so why should she then try to benefit from the hard work you are putting in to researching tutors etc? You feel used maybe?
You are too busy to reply to her text. You don't owe her your time or knowledge if you don't want to share it. But don't fester on it. No need. If you see her and she asks why you haven't replied, very breezy "Sorry, crazy busy at the moment!' and that's it.
Good luck to your DD. 😀

But the only behaviour you can change here is your own. Whether or not your neighbour is nosy is not within your control, only how you respond to that nosiness.

And yes the birthday bit gets evened out

I assume OP believes its bad luck to 'count your chickens before they hatch'... its a pretty common thing.

People don't like to share news that isn't set in stone until they know everything is going safe and smooth and they don't have too.

Its not nice to be interrogated, have people know your business or have people say insensitive things IF things go wrong (and most people do put their foot in it, especially nosy gossip types).

Of all the exams the 11+ tends to bring out the crazy in people because it is competitive and brings out that side. Tutors are like gold dust and fought over any form of useful revision material highly sort after and any practice exams dates filled incredibly quickly!

it is also incredibly harsh as well on those that fail.

DD is in Year 11 at Grammar and I still get asked about tutors!