I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

Hi
Just as an aside, your daughter won't be at a disadvantage being young for her year as the marks are adjusted according to the month they're born in to account for that (both mine sat it and both August born).
And if she's 2 years younger, there's no competition for a space in the same year so helping them in any way won't affect your daughter's chances.
I do understand the annoyance when someone who is normally distant is creeping round to their advantage, when normally they wouldn't consider you worthy of their time. I always feel like raising kids is a challenge so many are going through and it makes such a difference to all help one another - the ones who are only in it for themselves do stand out!
For me, it wouldn't be worth the energy for bad feeling or confrontation I'd just silently seeth and be distant and only confirm if cornered and I had no choice.
That aside though, I did everything I could to help my daughters friend get a good tutor, get the right papers and support (they were living abroad for a year so it had lots of extra challenges for them). They were nice people, so it's not the same.
But in the end despite odd stacked against us they both passed and both have places, and will start together soon, which is so much better than my daughter going alone.

I get you OP, I've had that feeling you have....she's got more information about you than you have about her....she took it from your daughter (therefore 'unlawfully'...you feel 'violated' in some way. Your story in some way reminds me when I was a child some adults would interrogate me about my parents' possessions so as to have an idea about the amount of money in my family, and being a child I didn't know how to say 'mind your own business' to an adult.

I agree.

There is a competitive parent at my kid’s sports club. The mother has gone as far as stand behind an object and video my kid doing the sport. It’s completely out of order.

@Refvs I totally understood your first post (no idea why others seemed confused). Im not superstitious at all but I do understand the frustration of feeling that someone is being intrusive, rude, nosy and that their questioning and their knowing the details might somehow jinx the result - or if the result isnt as hoped for then Eeeeek how embarrassing. I get it. I guess the answer in future is to be even more deliberately evasive with your answers and explain why! Presumably she wont be annoying again though until your child is potentially seeing tutors pre GCSE exams so it could be a while. 😂
Maybe you could react by asking deliberately annoying questions about something in her life.........

That’s not great behaviour I agree, but bring secretive isn’t either. Admittedly we’re not in a grammar area, so it’s a different situation, but I have a child with dyscalculia / maths dyslexia and I was lucky enough to be recommended a tutor who we have now used for years just to keep her learning at the same pace as her class. I wax lyrical about this woman to anyone who asks. She’s removed all the fear of maths and worked miracles.

They crunch the data by age to allow for summer babies, so don’t worry about that.

I was brought up in a grammar school area. Admittedly in the days before there was all this angst. I don’t think any of us revised very much and none of us had tutors. I went to the grammar school, but I’d have been just as happy with the school that had a farm. It finished at 16, so kids who wanted to do A levels joined us again in the sixth form.

I’m aware it’s not like that now as my niece went through it last year. Pressure on places has increased due to population growth among other factors, but I still think it’s deranged to be secretive, as if this might give your own child a leg up. It amounts to try to prevent another child from thriving. I honestly don’t think that attitude impacts outcomes, but I’m pretty sure it damages relationships. It’s better to keep your integrity by being friendly and helpful.

Incidentally, my sister is so wrapped up in her own work and doesn’t do school runs, so she didn’t think about tutoring until the summer of Y5, but her daughter did very well with a few self-study books over the summer holidays and got into her first choice school.

Are your kids at grammar school? Were you? Maybe you've got to have been through the competitive madness to at lest understand the dynamics, not agree with them but understand them.

I would find it rude if a neighbour who barely acknowledged me when our children talked a lot then suddenly started asking me for advice when she wanted something. Taking out the specific topic, it’s rude.

Add the fact that this isn’t someone asking me casually for something I can respond to easily, like legal advice when I’m a lawyer, so that’s easy. But someone asking me for information when I’ve taken the time and effort to research that with time and they’re trying to skip that stage, when we’re not even friends and you can’t normally bear to be nice to me.

Many women will openly say that the mean girl suddenly wanting to know where your perfume/dress is from gets met with a “oh I can’t remember” because she doesn’t deserve the advice 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, you sound crazy.

Yes it's very annoying but presumably DD has been chatting about it and didn't realise it was something you hadn't wanted her to speak about. It's very underhand of the neighbour to ask DD direct and I would definitely be annoyed about the way she had gone about it.

I also understand why you may want to keep it under wraps if there is a chance your DD may not pass.

Ignore it. If she asks you face to face, just go vague and say oh yes you probably have a list somewhere and you’ll dig it ouy. Vague, vague vague. Your daughter also - vague oh my mum has a list she’ll dig it out for you. I’ve had this - and thd people who pump for info are always thd ones who never share

I was worried I'd been a bit harsh there, but honestly, I get every feeling you're having.

It's a bitch of a couple of years that really drag out. First the test prep and worry, then the wait for results, then the months of waiting to see if your child got a place - I guess, with hindsight, I wish I'd been a lot more chill about it!

What I would say is, now that all of the kids are well into year 7 and parents are chatting about schooling, it seems like all of them are settled and, arguably, in the right place.

For a long time there everyone's focus was on just getting in, but looking at it now, a few of the kids who's parents forced them to do it would have really struggled at grammar but are happy at high school. Of the couple who just missed out, one is loving the sporting facilities of a private school while the other is flourishing in the praise and rewards that come with being one of the highest achievers in top set (whereas those rewards might not have come if surrounded by full classes of other high achievers in grammar). The couple that got in, including DS, are happy and finally surrounded by other boys like them.

I guess what I'm getting at is that in the end they are all happy and are where they are meant to be.

Hopefully you have both good grammars and high schools around you where DD can flourish whatever happens.

The 11+ isn't the be all and end all and really one of the best things I think DS got out of it was the realisation that he can achieve when he revises and that he has a love of learning.

Kids who know that will do well anywhere.x.

Why does it matter if she is a friend. Altruism doesn’t have to be limited to people we are friends with. You can be kind and helpful to others too.

That's not true. Results are adjusted. My DD is July born and passed her exams so dont stress over their age.

Don't give this woman any information and ignore her .messages. also tell your daughter to stop giving strangers Information.

Its absolutely ridiculous for a person you dont know to be asking about tutors and prep... this is very individual and personal choice and I wouldn't want this information being shared.

I also get the superstitious thing.

Good luck to your kid! It will ebay tough summer for them but I hope you get the results you hope for! ❤️

I'm sure that's exactly how you speak to people in real life 😅😅😅

It's pathetic.

OP is saying I had a shit time so should everyone else and even though I have information that could make it so someone else doesn't have a shit time like I did, I'm keeping it. Let them suffer.

The DCs aren't even in the same year.

Any adult who does that is pathetic, unempathic and immature.

Your assertion that 'even decent people' wouldn't share the information is the most bizarre bit about this.

What's your definition of 'decent?'

Neither you or your daughter should feel ashamed of trying for something and not succeeding. That sort of attitude, success = pride / failure = shame is sooo toxic and can do a lifetime of damage.

I say this as a child of parents with this life view and am unpicking this via therapy and self exploration. It sounds like you may need to do the same, I feel for you, it is really hard, but you can start with your child. You can encourage her to be proud of herself and hold her head up high for all of who she is, even if sometimes that may not be conventional 'success'. Most importantly she should be happy and feel worthy of love (her own, yours and the world) whatever her academic or other achievements.

You need to reflect on why you want to gatekeep the tutor from helping another child. You don’t want that sort of thing to rub off on your daughter.

Oh yes, we had this with one of my DC. I took great delight in replying to one parent exactly as you describe who wouldn't give me the time of day until my DS was doing well at football. I said "well the main reason he has progressed is because he's actually good at football" 😂

I really feel you are over thinking the whole thing.

“Please don’t interrogate my daughter again. I am very wary about complete strangers knowing our business. As for the resources you asked for demanded, I think that it’s best if you do your own research to find what you think will suit you best.”

You sound deranged. It’s normal conversation and it’s slow normal to recommend good tutors.

Your reaction is over the top. I assume your daughters sessions with the tutor are booked so it makes no difference it's not like her finding this tutor means your daughter isn't able to get sessions. Is she asking you to mind her daughter on the bike? If not yabu to expect gratitude it's up to her to decide if the activity is safe if you don't want to be looking after her child don't!

I get it OP. One of my children who is 6, is doing v well at a sport. They have been getting lots of recognition for this. I have parents coming up to me who have ignored my attempts at hello by the school gates for 3 years 'demanding' to know where my dc trains, how they got 'spotted' etc etc. Its awful. They want the contacts details of the scouts etc. The sport doesn't work like that. You cant just rock up and blag your way in. My dc is really shy and I hate how parents walk up and quizz them at school, parties etc. One mum is particularly awful, she was rude to me for years yet now she wants my dc around for a sleep over 🙄. Hell nah