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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to do an exhausting trip every year in perpetuity?

39 replies

Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 11:48

My grandmother is 89, she lives in Russia by herself and we've been taking turns visiting her. We moved over in 1999 when I was 9 and I have visited almost every year.

The trip from US now is 3 hour + 9 hr + 45 minute plane and a 6 hour wait at the border+ 7 hour bus ride. It is EXHAUSTING and all I do while there is help my grandma with whatever she needs, and sometimes meet with a friend for lunch once. It's not a real break. It kills all my vacation time.

I now have two children, 2 yo and 10 week old. Despite this, because I love my grandma and want to spend time with her, I plan on going over in September for 3 weeks (anything less and the trip isn't really worth it). My MIL and mom will be helping with the kids

My mom and I were talking about what to do once my grandma can no longer walk (she's unfortunately been slowing down, despite doing great for her age).

She apparently expects me to travel to Russia every year, using my 12 days of vacation, even if my grandma is no longer there (passed). I told her that's not going to happen. I want to take vacations with the kids and my husband sometimes, and what would I do in Russia without my grandma there, what would be the purpose?

My life has been mostly here for the past several decades. Russia has also been a bully on the world stage lately. There's really nothing there for me, except maybe free healthcare but even that's pretty shoddy.

Am I unreasonable to not want to go over as often if my grandma is no longer around, esp considering I have a husband and kids?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 14:22

Tmor · 08/06/2025 14:20

I am Russian living abroad and understand the old fashion views of your mum. You need to look after yourself and put your family first.

My grandma lived alone in her last years, my mum organised private nurses visits for my grandma, May be this is something your mum and you can look into, talk to the neighbours, I am sure you will find someone who would be happy to come in, check on your grandma, do her grocery shopping and cook if needed.

We have organized social workers through a government program who come over twice a week to clean/cook

OP posts:
Tmor · 08/06/2025 14:20

I am Russian living abroad and understand the old fashion views of your mum. You need to look after yourself and put your family first.

My grandma lived alone in her last years, my mum organised private nurses visits for my grandma, May be this is something your mum and you can look into, talk to the neighbours, I am sure you will find someone who would be happy to come in, check on your grandma, do her grocery shopping and cook if needed.

ConstantIllness · 08/06/2025 13:58

This is going to continue being an issue until your mum dies, let alone your grandmother. You need to decide on and set your boundaries now otherwise you're in for years more guilt tripping and unreasonable expectations.

SwedishSayna · 08/06/2025 13:52

Good god no, with only 12 days holiday I wouldnt be going again to be honest. You're doing more than enough for your grandma with the daily calls.
You can say no to your mum you know.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/06/2025 13:51

It can be very difficult for parents when their children have an upbringing that's very different from theirs. Some parents take for granted that their kids will end up valuing the same things as them (like a country of origin) and it can be hard when they don't because the children don't have the same experience.

I think you can be sympathetic to a parents feelings and still live the life that makes most sense for you.

nomas · 08/06/2025 13:42

Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 13:22

At this point there's no much to be proud of as far as Russian heritage, no much good since we left

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Russia is more than just its current leadership, surely?

I’m from Asia, I often shake my head at the government of my country but it doesn’t define my heritage.

However, YANBU, your mother is being very unfair and it’s best you set her straight now. She thinks because you did for DGM, you have to do it for her. But she emigrated so can’t expect the same consideration.

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 08/06/2025 13:42

Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:10

I call my grandma for about 20 minutes every morning and show her the kids and the cats. She's really sad she can't meet them in person but I don't feel safe taking them over at this point, and there are no US visas being given to Russian citizens.

Edited
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Very few people would do this much

krustykittens · 08/06/2025 13:37

Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 13:31

I just feel like I have a decent amount of responsibility because of the things my mom endured when we first moved over, the immigrant experience is not for the weak of heart, but I didn't ask her to do that and shouldn't feel like I owe her for the rest of my life.

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You have NO, responsibility, OP, NONE. You were a child. Your mother made decisions that were best for her family. Life cannot be perfect.

krustykittens · 08/06/2025 13:36

I'm Irish, living in the UK. We are only a couple of hours away from 'home', but my DD, who was six when we left, never goes back and I don't expect her to. She has grown up here, her life is here, she has no emotional connection to Ireland at all really. Her grandparents have passed away and now that they have grown up, she has very little contact, if any, from her cousins. That's what happens when you take kids to another country and build a life there - that country becomes their home. Your mother is being completely unreasonable and you do not have to justify not wanting to go back by saying you are angry at Russia etc. It is perfectly reasonable to say you feel nothing for Russia, because YOUR life is in the US. Your mother is trying to force you into being Russian, probably because she feels homesick, I see this all the time in immigrant communities. It is fine to want your children to be connected with the heritage but she cannot expect you to view a place you lived in only briefly to be home and expect you to do a pilgrimage back there every year.

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 13:31

LifeExperience · 08/06/2025 13:28

Your mom made her life decisions and you get to make your life decisions, even if she doesn't like it. It's time to stand on your own two feet and vacation where and how you like.

I just feel like I have a decent amount of responsibility because of the things my mom endured when we first moved over, the immigrant experience is not for the weak of heart, but I didn't ask her to do that and shouldn't feel like I owe her for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 08/06/2025 13:28

Your mom made her life decisions and you get to make your life decisions, even if she doesn't like it. It's time to stand on your own two feet and vacation where and how you like.

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 13:22

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 08/06/2025 13:05

its up to your mum if she chooses to go back to Russia each year but its certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to go too. Nice for you to visit occasionally to see your grandmother but once your grandmother has passed I’m not sure why you would go back at all. I get the thing about showing your kids where you came from but in the current political situation I wouldn’t do this at all .

At this point there's no much to be proud of as far as Russian heritage, no much good since we left

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 08/06/2025 13:05

its up to your mum if she chooses to go back to Russia each year but its certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to go too. Nice for you to visit occasionally to see your grandmother but once your grandmother has passed I’m not sure why you would go back at all. I get the thing about showing your kids where you came from but in the current political situation I wouldn’t do this at all .

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:47

Bournetilly · 08/06/2025 12:44

If you don’t want to go at all once your grandmother has died then I think that’s absolutely fine, there’s no reason for you to go.

Maybe just enough to keep my citizenship current? Definitely not more than that as my feelings towards Russia have turned from nostalgia to anger and disappointment these last few years.

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 08/06/2025 12:44

If you don’t want to go at all once your grandmother has died then I think that’s absolutely fine, there’s no reason for you to go.

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:42

4forksache · 08/06/2025 12:39

You gm could live for several more years. Are you really going to forgo holidays with dh and your kids for more years?
i think you need to prioritise your family now, not just when she dies.

She needs help and it shouldn't be all on my mom. Until the kids are both potty trained, holidays aren't going to be that much fun anyway, at least that's what I have heard.

OP posts:
4forksache · 08/06/2025 12:39

You gm could live for several more years. Are you really going to forgo holidays with dh and your kids for more years?
i think you need to prioritise your family now, not just when she dies.

PITCHpink · 08/06/2025 12:38

Once every few years is plenty. Once a year is far too much

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:37

TaupeMember · 08/06/2025 12:32

With kids that age, I think it's unreasonable to expect you to go over annually now

It's actually not that bad because my mom takes my daughter for the whole weekend while I'm there and it is a wonderful chance for them to bond. Obviously it would be better if my grandma could come over here or lived closer.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 08/06/2025 12:34

There’s no reason for you to go at all once grandma has died.
You don’t really need to discuss it now, just book some other holiday when the time comes.
Also, in your shoes, I don’t think I’d be going now and leaving the children behind given what’s going on in the world. What if you got stuck there without your babies?

TaupeMember · 08/06/2025 12:32

With kids that age, I think it's unreasonable to expect you to go over annually now

Createausername1970 · 08/06/2025 12:26

You are not unreasonable. This whole situation came into being when you were 9, so you had no say in it.

I get that your mum doesn't want to completely cut her roots with her home country, but that's her decision. I also get that they went to US originally for your benefit, they put you first. But you have your own kids and family now, you have to, in turn, put your kids first.

As others have said, once ever 5 years would be a good compromise. But to use all your vacation every year is not fair on you, or your DH or your kids.

Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:10

PermanentTemporary · 08/06/2025 12:03

I'd set up video calls and wouldn't go again. Not with 10 days of vacation time or whatever terrible shreds of holiday you get. But I'm quite a cold fish I've come to think.

I call my grandma for about 20 minutes every morning and show her the kids and the cats. She's really sad she can't meet them in person but I don't feel safe taking them over at this point, and there are no US visas being given to Russian citizens.

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Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:08

WhatNoRaisins · 08/06/2025 12:06

You were a 9 year old child when this move was decided for you. It's not on you to make this long distance work especially when you didn't choose it.

I've been doing it for my grandmother's sake but I don't see the value for me in keeping on with this if she's no longer there. Sure St Petersburg is beautiful but I want to see other places too.

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Original poster
Kate8889 · 08/06/2025 12:07

Rapunzle · 08/06/2025 12:04

Is that because your DM has nobody else to go with if you weren’t to go (going forwards)? If so that’s not your problem or job to fix. You have your own life & DC & are being more than a good grand daughter & daughter in your support of your GM to date. Your DM needs to be told that she will have to find someone else to travel with or go it alone if she wants to retain her ties with her morherland & that it’s not your job to facilitate that. I mean you were moved aged 9 from it so it’s hardly reasonable to expect to you to return in perpetuity. Obviously there may be reasons for why you had to move (& your DM maybe didn’t have much choice I don’t know) but if there are t other family members that she can stay with when there or meet on arrival that’s again not your fault. I think it puts you in a very difficult position but your DC & family needs do come first.

She's fine by herself but she doesn't want to be living there full time so she wants me available to help take care of life admin there if needed.

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